When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger


Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.


Posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”


Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 


Posted in Bipolar | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Where I Have Been, To Where I am Now. The Journey and Awareness of A Remarkable New Truth.


How many mistakes have you made in your life? Could you count them all up and revisit them now? Would it be painful for you? Or would it be empowering? I have seen myself through other people’s eyes and words these past few weeks, and it made me come face to face with an alarming truth just yesterday. A wonderful new blogger, The Chapstick Switch (who I just followed and has amazing work), reblogged this post of mine from April 14, 2017, Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me. In that post, I completely give up – I mean REALLY and UTTERLY give up. I throw my hands up in complete frustration and defeat, and BEG my Bipolar Illness to murder me, in what turns out to be an epic plea to the God Almighty Himself for Forgiveness in the end.

I can’t tell you what reading that post did to me – bringing me back to that place that I was in almost a year ago, and in turn looking at my life now, and how MUCH I have achieved and accomplished since being in that sad, helpless place. One of the things I did after writing that post last year, was change my psychiatrist. I hit a wall with the current one I had, and even though I had stuck with him for a while, he REALLY wasn’t a good doctor. He was young, probably fresh out of med-school, no older than 35 (maybe), trying to help a patient like me, who quite frankly was WAY out of his league to try to diagnose with medication. He was very much “by the book” and treated me like a “patient,” which meant that the environment of his office was very “sterile,” almost like a hospital. I realized back then that I needed a confidante, a friend, an older and much wiser psychiatrist to treat me for my Bipolar 1 disorder, not this young kid who really didn’t know what the HELL he was doing. So, I did just that, and changed doctors.

That was the turning point, the plot twist, the epic CLIMAX of my story AND journey that is unfolding here with you at this present moment.

This new doctor, (my hero), is a wonderful Christian man, who LISTENS to everything I say carefully – listens to all the nonsense that goes on in my clouded mind, and suggests actions we can take to help me correct some of the chaos that I have been suffering with for years. He suggested last summer (2017) that I try Seroquel, an older drug, that serves mostly as a mood-stabilizer, rather than the Haldol, (anti-psychotic), that I was on for nearly a decade. The change to Seroquel ended up working wonders, I am talking Miracle type shit, and the fog and craziness of my Bipolar Life suddenly started to make sense. I now find myself a million miles away from the woman who wrote, Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me just a year ago. I should note that this GENIUS new doctor told me how OLDER medications, not these new “improved” drugs that are being flooded into the Mental Health market, are the BETTER choice for most patients. Just another example of how “old school” remedies are ALWAYS the best.

Anyway, I am here with you now, in a SOLID frame of mind ready to throw down some epic literature with you in this post.

I watched a movie yesterday called Winter’s Tale and JESUS CHRIST, I bawled like a baby throughout the entire film. The words “unbelievable” and “fantastical” don’t do this film justice, and if you were to research this movie, you will find that the 13% Rotten Tomatoes Score as well as other reviews, showed an overall negative rating from most audiences. And Black Panther is now known as the BEST MOVIE EVER?? Excuse me while I roll my GODDAMN eyes please. In a world where today’s society is lacking deep thoughts, critical thinking, and profound respect and admiration of the beauty of literature, I can’t say that I am surprised at how badly Winter’s Tale was received.

Anyway, since the revelation of how my journey has unfolded this past year, from that blog post last year, to the new doctor and new life changing medication, I think watching Winter’s Tale last night has put things into a brand new perspective for me during this new AMAZING time in my life.

So now, I submit to you some of my favorite quotes from the movie, (Winter’s Tale is actually a film adaptation of the BRILLIANT novel by Mark Helprin):

“All great discoveries…are products as much of doubt as of certainty, and the two in opposition clear the air for marvelous accidents.” 

“…to be paid for one’s joy is to steal.”

And I will now make a special tribute to those who are reading, in which the quotes I choose below will make sense to each of you right now in your individual lives:

To all those who love the beauty of horses and animals:
“He moved like a dancer, which is not surprising; a horse is a beautiful animal, but it is perhaps most remarkable because it moves as if it always hears music.”

To the truth seekers of the world:
“The beauty of truth is that it need not be proclaimed or believed. It skips from soul to soul, changing form each time it touches, but it is what it is, I have seen it, and someday you will, too.”

To the naysayers who don’t believe:
“If nothing is random, and everything is predetermined, how can there be free will? The answer to that is simple. Nothing is predetermined; it is determined, or was determined, or will be determined.”

To those who are lonely:
“Lonely people have enthusiasms which cannot always be explained. When something strikes them as funny, the intensity and length of their laughter mirrors the depth of their loneliness, and they are capable of laughing like hyenas. When something touches their emotions, it runs through them like Paul Revere, awakening feelings that gather into great armies.”

To those who face The Madness like I do:
“To be mad is to feel with excruciating intensity the sadness and joy of a time which has not arrived or has already been. And to protect their delicate vision of that other time, madmen will justify their condition with touching loyalty, and surround it with a thousand distractive schemes. These schemes, in turn, drive them deeper and deeper into the darkness and light (which is their mortification and their reward), and confront them with a choice. They may either slacken and fall back, accepting the relief of a rational view and the approval of others, or they may push on, and, by falling, arise. When and if by their unforgivable stubbornness they finally burst through to worlds upon worlds of motionless light, they are no longer called afflicted or insane. They are called saints.”

And finally, when you are at The Absolute End of Your Time Here On Earth:

“They gave themselves up to the stars the way swimmers can surrender to the waves, and the stars took them without resistance.”

The story, Winter’s Tale, basically says that all life here on Earth end with our souls being placed among the stars.

It is where our Bipolar Hero, Carrie Fisher looks down at us from.

And it is where the Mathematical and Revolutionary Hero, Stephen Hawking looks down at us from now too. I would hope the Stars that he loved so PASSIONATELY is now his final resting place. Don’t you?

Stay tuned.



Posted in Uncategorized, Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

An Attempt To Rejoin The Real World After Hiding Behind Being Bipolar For a Long Time

back to work

Those who don’t suffer from any mental illness may not know this struggle, but if you have social anxiety you might relate to what its been like for me. I have been “out of commission” for almost 14 years now. I mean, I have attempted to go back to work here and there during that 14-year-span doing part-time work – but if I am honest with you here, part-time jobs are absolute shit! I mean the ONLY perk about it is just the “PART-TIME” part, meaning it’s just a few hours a week. But in my experience, not only are you robbed of ANY kind of benefits, (time off, medical, etc), but with the crappy pay you get ($10-$12 on average), they make you WORK YOUR ASS OFF for EVERY DOLLAR of that horrible salary. Why? Because they can and they know you’re probably really desperate, that’s my guess. Trust me, I know this is #Truth because I have had a good slew of part-time jobs since I have been on disability.

Yes, I am on disability. Now the first thing most people think when they hear this is: “You’re just lazy, mental illness isn’t really a disability.” Yeah, okay jerk-off YOU TRY and walk ONE DAMN DAY in my shoes living with this bipolar crap, I guarantee you will be singing a different tune. BUT, as much as I want to lash out at people for thinking this way, (like I just did), there is some actual truth behind the whole, “just being lazy” argument. I will admit that I have been lazy, well really lazy, since I have been on disability. But I will also admit, that there were times where I was completely crippled in which I couldn’t even get out of bed, and times I was manic as hell and ended up in the psych ward, but I am getting off subject.

I have to say, I am REALLY scared to go back to work full-time. I have come to the conclusion that part-time work isn’t for me, (based on the reasons I mentioned above), and I KNOW that even if I find a really good Part-Time Job, the government WILL take away my disability because I am working and doing well. Crazy right? A lot of us who are on the “system” are encouraged to go back to work – to find meaning in our lives, pride in something, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and to socialize with other people. Those are ALL wonderful and positive things. But what they DON’T tell you is that if you go out there and do really well for yourself, they have their fingers quick on the trigger to YANK your benefits away from you. Oh, I am not paranoid, I KNOW this crap is true because they tried to do it to me several times when I was working part-time.

I am FULLY aware that they are trying to weed out the folks that are trying to play the system, take advantage and get away with shit, trust me, I get it. But what bothers me is that ALL the people who aren’t trying to “play” the system end up getting lumped into one big group and are all penalized and “watched like a hawk” the same way. It isn’t fair, and honestly it is totally discouraging and absolutely FRIGHTENING to take the chance and go out there and work to make a better life for yourself, knowing the only income you depend on could be taken away from you in a heartbeat.

Look, I don’t want to be on disability for the rest of my life, I truly don’t. But I can’t help but be petrified to go out there and work again. Since part-time work isn’t an option, I have to take the leap and go full-time. I decided to be smart about this though, so I am looking for Government or State jobs because they won’t discriminate against me for having a disability and the pensions are also fantastic. In fact, I learned that most Government and State jobs have an actual quota of hiring disabled people that they have to fulfill each year. That is really good news for a person like me, you know?

I took a Civil Service test in January, and it was REALLY hard. You have to pay a $40 fee to take the exam (its mandatory, so even if you fail, oh well too bad), and even with that, people STILL walked out on the exam without finishing. It was no joke, and I think the reason it was so hard was because it had a lot of “Reading Comprehension” components in it that most people don’t know how to deal with anymore. The fact of the matter is that we, as a society, have lost the ability to FOCUS on something we are reading these days. Everything we do is in constant motion – click here, there, open this page, thousands of browsers open, clicking, clicking, with our eyes darting at different things on a screen. Since we have been CONDITIONED this way, I am not at all surprised that a multiple-choice type question which involves you reading a paragraph EXTRA carefully and discerning which is the right answer is a daunting task. Oh, and they make it so EVERY choice could be a possible right answer that fits the question, they ain’t playin’ around, let me tell you! UGH! But I pushed through and finished the exam in 3 1/2 hours. “Headache” isn’t a strong enough word to describe what I felt afterwards, trust me.

Anyway, it takes six months to get any kind of answer or even see how you did in comparison of the others that took the test. Depending on your score, you are put on a list and they call the person with the highest score in for an interview, and if that doesn’t work out, they move on to the next person and so on. It’s a rigorous, and meticulous system, but I have to say, if you DO GET a Civil Service job, man, your ass is set for life!!

So, even though I am deathly afraid of going back out there and working again, knowing full well that once I give up my disability it will be SO HARD to get it back, I am hopeful that I am doing the right thing here by going after the right kind of job for me. The Government does have a program called “Ticket to Work” in which you can work up to 10 months while on disability with no financial constraints, (the rule is you are not allowed to work while on disability and make more than $1000 a month), but with this program you can make whatever and your disability payments won’t be in jeopardy. It’s a GREAT idea, especially if you decide you want to try working full-time again and you’re a bit fearful about it. The problem is that once you USE UP the 10 months, you NEVER get another chance or get it back. EVER. Jesus Christ man. I used up my “Ticket to Work” 10 month allowance 6 years ago, and even though its been 6 damn years, I CAN’T get another chance at the “Ticket to Work” Program. Geez, can they make this shit any harder for you to better yourself and rejoin the working population?

Anyway, that’s where I stand today. I am going for it you know, giving it all I got, as much as I can give. It doesn’t help that the statistics say that people with bipolar disorder have a reduced life span of around 9 years. So, if I was hoping in at LEAST making it to 80 years old by the time I die, my crazy butt will be dead by age 71. Thanks bipolar disorder for another wonderful gift you have given me.

Oh, crapola!

Stay tuned.


Posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Frustration and Anger – How Do You Deal With It In Life?

inner peaceI feel myself very angry these days, and I truly know its unhealthy for me. You’ve all been there right? You know, someone cuts you off in traffic, or maybe just PEOPLE and their general crappy behavior towards you and each other.

Irritability has been my mantra these days, (ugh what kind of friggin’ mantra is that right?), but it has been mine and I know in my heart of hearts, its due to the absolute frustration I have been feeling in my life recently. A lot of it has to do with the fact that since I have been doing EXTREMELY well these days, (with organizing and taking charge of my life), I have this INTENSE FEAR in the back of my mind that things are going a little TOO good and that all of this may be a prelude to a trip back to the psych ward. I understand that all of this is probably complete paranoia, in all its full crazy glory, but you guys have no idea what it’s been like for me ever since I first got diagnosed with “Bipolar Type 1” 14 years ago.

My mother was talking to me this afternoon about what I put our family through over the years – seeing me on the floor of a psych ward, bawling my eyes out and begging for answers and help – all because of a visit to a psychiatrist a few months prior to get some help in dealing with some of my life stressors at the time, which honestly, EVERYBODY deals with at one time or another in their lives. My mother simply said, “I honestly thought he would just talk to you, you know? Maybe give you a pill to help you sleep or something, not push drugs on you that would end up destroying your life.”

And destroy my life it did, oh man, DID IT EVER. After visiting that psychiatrist, the pills he gave me called Lexapro, was a MASSIVE screw up on his part. My current psychiatrist, (an absolute genius and my current hero), said that Lexapro is the worst drug for a person like me. Granted, you can argue that maybe the psychiatrist who gave me the Lexapro didn’t really know that it would affect me so negatively, but you know what? Screw that! He didn’t even take the DAMN time to get to KNOW me and my case, he just threw the drugs at me without even a second thought or care about it, which is angering me and boiling my blood at every word I am typing about it, because in all honesty it is what SO many “so-called mental health professionals/pseudo-psychiatrists” are doing these days, and its so damn sad. My mom was telling me that you can’t even go to a damn doctor anymore, PARENTS can’t even go to a damn doctor for their struggling child anymore either, because the IMMEDIATE answer for all of that is: PILLS, PILLS, PSYCH DRUGS, PSYCH DRUGS, FREAKIN’ DAMN DRUGS as a cure-all for every damn thing!

Breathe Lynn, Breathe.

Anyway, I totally got off topic there. In regards to my frustration and anger, I have been writing a lot about my battle with my Faith and belief in God and Jesus, and how believing in them, or any type of “Divine Feeling of Utter and Total Enlightenment,” can send me straight back to the psych ward. I told my hero yesterday, (my current psychiatrist I mentioned), that I was in a state of PERPETUAL FEAR of going back to the psych ward because I FEEL the presence of God and Jesus showing me the signs of their Infinite Wisdom these days. I FEEL SO enthralled that all these wonderful and AMAZING things are happening, but at the same time, I am being crippled, dare I say, absolutely damn TORTURED, of going back to the psych ward because of all of this enlightenment. How damn sad is that? UGH!! And the fact that SO many amazing people out there PUSH this idea that “the truth of the Buddha is that all things are connected and shown to you as part of God’s plan,” on you as part of their teachings, you know in the words of preachers and gurus and all of that is really FRUSTRATING because I can’t follow it at all. Following the truths of the Lord handed down by priests, or even the wisdom of Buddha one way or the other, leads to disaster for me because these mystical forces hit me so DAMN hard, my mania kicks in, and off to the hospital I go. And I am not going back to any of those horrible places, I can’t, I WON’T!  Those places are so damn traumatizing, that the thought of them is bringing me to tears right now.

So my friends, this is where I am at right now in life – In a state of perpetual fear of the psych ward that is manifesting itself in the form of INTENSE anger and absolute frustration. My best friend even said, “you’re that scared because you had a really good day?” As ridiculous as that sounds, I totally am, and it’s just plain frickin’ sad. I did ask my doctor for a medication increase of the Seroquel I am on yesterday though, (even though I ABSOLUTELY HATE, DESPITE AND DOWNRIGHT LOATHE medication), I mean can you really blame me after what I have been through since that initial trip to that psychiatrist 14 years ago? But, I have to be smart about this. I know something is a bit off because I haven’t been able to get a full 8 hours sleep every night and my mind IS racing A LOT these days, and as you can probably tell, obsessing a bit too, (the whole fear of the psych ward thing).

Today is Day One of the new dosage, and I am doing pretty well. The FEAR of the evil psych ward is STILL there, but not as strong today, and I did manage to get a full night’s sleep last night too. I am also a bit calmer, and my mind is not racing as much, so I can say “so far so good” I suppose, right?

Oh, and as far as the FEAR of feeling enlightenment when God or Jesus speaks to me, well, I had a nice experience when I went out for some fresh air just a few moments ago:

Jesus told me: I know its hard believing sometimes, but don’t stop believing in ME.

Then I simply answered: I won’t Jesus, I won’t.

And after I came inside, I didn’t obsess over it, or think it was my bipolar mania, and “off I go to the psych ward,” and all of that. I was simply grateful and at peace, so much so, I just wanted to come sit down and write to you guys about it – and maybe reach those of you who are struggling with these same kind of issues and help you all find some peace with whatever anger and frustration you are having these days.

God Bless You All – You Are All Such Amazing Warriors.

Stay tuned.


Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

I Sit Here and Ask Myself, Why Bother and Believe in God, When You Are Just Told It is Mental Illness – Shocking Update

Joy Behar of-page-001

Joy Behar was PUSHED to apologize because she said that people who hear the Voice of Jesus are suffering from mental illness. In my ongoing battle to understand faith and MY battle with Bipolar 1, I find it interesting that all this comes up about a week after I made the post below. As much as every fiber of my being is telling me to “look at the signs” and the “hypocrisy” here, I am holding it together, perhaps stronger than ever.

I have been faced with many truths these past few weeks; signs and events in which a “normal” person would feel “enlightened,” “enthralled,” and perhaps touched by the “Hand of the Divine” itself. Not me though. I have to fight the bitter reality that IF I EVEN HAD THE SLIGHTEST THOUGHT of that, I would be thrown into a mental institution and drugged up from here to Kingdom Come, (when I tell you they use every DAMN medication known in creation to give you, I am NOT kidding at all), and then simply told by the entire TEAM I am usually assigned of Mental Health Professionals, “It was all mania, it isn’t reality.” I got news for you “Mental Health Association,” I just moved my Queen into a prime position on the Chess board, (I plan on going to my monthly psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and ask him to increase my Seroquel dosage so I can get a better control of my sleep and ENSURE the mania stays away).

So I plan on staying out of the mental hospital, while all this bullshit is going on. Keep it up, someone WILL take notice. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus himself would be the one who will.

Below is the post I published on March 2, 2018 entitled: I Sit Here and Ask Myself, Why Bother and Believe in God, When You Are Just Told It is Mental Illness:

I can’t even tell you what I face now. In the wake of my recent family struggles, all the drama with friends, difficulty in setting realistic goals, I picked up a book today called “Lord Help Me Change,” and I literally laughed, scoffed and then got so angry I fought furiously in complete opposition of what a “Pure, Good Believer in the Eyes of God,” is supposed to be. (Or what I think it is supposed to be, according to what I have heard about Sin and all that jazz).

I took my drugs tonight, like a good bipolar patient, and couldn’t seem to find rest or peace because my mind just REFUSES to give me that simple necessity. I was angry. SO ANGRY at the fact that reading the pages of the amazing book The Captain’s mom sent me, (from a wonderful minister in Chicago), made me feel absolutely nothing but mistrust and absolute disdain as I laid there in bed. I had been granted with a miracle, escaped the clutches of psychosis, and STILL, I don’t believe. You know, I can’t. I just can’t. Not after all I have seen and done – the pills, the doctors, the mental hospitals, all the alternate realities, and the full on madness of my mind.

I struggle with finding God, I do, because the countless times I have heard His Voice, SO LOUD AND CLEAR IN MY HEAD, the times I heard Jesus himself, the times The Hand of The Almighty reached out to mine, I found myself on the floor of a psych ward, begging the nurses and doctors not to pump me up with countlesss drugs. I can’t, I can’t do this. I am faced with the bitter reality that the safety net I thought I could enjoy for the next few years is slowly being ripped from right underneath me, with me powerless to stop it.

I wanted to turn to God. I wanted my pills to work. I wanted my blog to reach more people. But like everything in life, my words fall on deaf ears, no one hears my call, no one sees me, and I suffer alone and angry at myself that I am nothing but a selfish, spoiled brat. I have been hiding behind being bipolar way too damn long. People suffer with this illness you know, most even fight the battle totally untreated, but they pull it together, go to work, provide for their families and they MAKE it through life. What is my excuse??

And can someone please tell me WHY the preacher who hears the voice of Jesus, and sings loudly in joy and excitement at the “Word of the Almighty Lord, Hallelujah!!!’ Why he doesn’t get locked up in a psych ward for hearing voices? Isn’t the voice of Jesus a voice?? Go ahead, call me a sinner, a blasphemous harlot, I don’t even care. I am angry tonight. I am angry at the fact that I can’t pray without thinking its a damn joke because of what the doctors called my epiphanies, and then in turn drugged me up with medication. Where do I fit in the grand scheme of things? Why is it, that if I were to scream “I hear the voice of Jesus, let’s all rejoice!” outside of a church, I will be locked up in mental institution?

In the face of ALL of this, I still refuse to become an atheist. Despite EVERY logical thing I have learned, EVERY fact that has been presented to me, ALL the drugs that are in my system, I BELIEVE. I laughed in God’s face you know, and yet I know he STILL loves me. I am a fool in the biggest prank ever made, but I was robbed of my rest tonight to reach you out there. You, the person who is reading this post right now. In regards to me screaming that I hear Jesus in my mind outside of the walls of a church, I will simply say this:

Jesus said… the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood… and I am there, lift a stone… and you will find me.

So yeah, that’s what I believe, even though that quote is COMPLETELY discredited as being heresay, but that’s what keeps me going. In the face of mental illness, in the face of the horrible stigma placed upon us, in the face of the all the judgmental fingers being pointed at us around the world in the wake of the latest school shooting, that’s what keeps me going.

I am going to pop a Melatonin pill on top of all this damn Seroquel I am on to try to rest tonight.

And I am going to say a prayer as I fall into slumber, scoffing, refusing to believe in God, but at the same time completely, and utterly believing in Him anyway.


I dare you any of you who are reading this post to tell me I am losing my mind here. Somethings you just can’t ignore, you just can’t.

Stay tuned.


Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Spreading the Good Vibes – Wouldn’t It Be Nice If There Was More of That In the World Today?


You all know it – Open any news app, or basically anything on the internet, and all you see is a bunch of horrible crap. I know some people who actually avoid the News all together just to maintain their sanity, and not make themselves miserable. But with ALL that going on, here I am, chugging along in my own little bipolar world, feeling like a million bucks…..and kinda worried about it.

I woke up at 5am this morning, and I can honestly say that I leaped out of bed like some kind of jack rabbit on crack. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday because I have just been running myself ragged trying to get my whole life in order. Isn’t it amazing that when you put off little things one by one, you find out that not only do they add up, but when you actually attempt to make a dent in fixing the mess you made of your life, you’re like: “Where the Hell do I even Start?” But, that hasn’t stopped me at all though, I have literally taken “being productive” to a whole other psychadelic level, and THEN some.

I am not even going to try to explain to you what kind of focus and drive I have developed in the past few weeks. I have been wracking my brain, (mostly in total disbelief), at how much strength and discipline I have managed to implement for my new mission in life. As far back as I can remember, I have been just whining and complaining about SO MUCH SHIT – “I am not skinny enough, some guy isn’t answering my text/calls, I hate my job, I hate being depressed, I need to drink my sorrows away, and since I am bipolar I may as well stay on the system and totally give up on life because I am too afraid to even try.”

What an endless loop of utter stupidity.

I won’t lie to you when I say, “I feel that the Universe is leaving me clues, because things are totally lining up, just right, and they are so good that I kinda feel that they are TOO good.”  Look I am going to be real here – I have had some MAJOR spiritual/psychic/religious/multi-dimensional experiences in my life, and to me, they ALL felt 100% real. Of course, as some of you may know, they locked my ass up, threw me in a psych ward, slapped the label of “bipolar” on me, and pumped me up with almost every medication possible. I am not even kidding either. As a matter of fact, when I went to have my annual psych evaluation with my psychiatrist last month, and he asked me to list the medication I have been on in my life, I literally told him, “don’t bother with a list, just put down ALL of them.”

So now, I find myself in this REALLY good place – like where I am just killin’ it, making moves, being productive, things are lining up JUST right for me, and a little question mark pops up in the back of my mind saying, “you sure you’re not going manic, you crazy bitch?” I am currently on 100mg of Seroquel and .05mg of Klonopin, and I take them both religiously every night at the same time. I can honestly say that it has been an absolute MIRACLE combination of meds for me, but I am still like hmmm…I don’t know about all of this……

Anyway, I also find myself in a place where I am kind of just laughing at things now, in a total “Alanis Morissette – Ironic,” kind of way. I have been reading some really good books on Buddhist practices, mantras and meditation lately and they ALL say, “Everything in the Universe is connected because the Buddha realized that everything is connected. There is only the One. Separateness is an illusion.” Nice right? Okay, now hear me out when I say that when I FELT that, I mean like REALLY felt the connection that Buddha speaks about: I literally found myself walking in the park one day, actually HEARING the tress and the wind speaking to me. When I experienced pure ONENESS with everything in the Universe like the Great Buddha says, in comes the ambulances, police sirens, straitjackets, psych wards, pills, pills and more pills, with my parents crying in the background. Yeah Buddha, explain that one for me will ya? And don’t get me started on my whole rant about the time I heard the voice of Jesus speak to me and I got thrown in a psych ward, when a preacher screams all sorts of shit about hearing the voice of Jesus and everything is A-Okay. Yeah religion, your turn, explain that one for me will ya?

But through all this new kind of learning and self-discovery, I am going to ignore all the fears I have about getting sent back to one of those horrible mental hospitals and just enjoy myself, love myself and spread some of those GOOD VIBES out into the world, because it is in such desperate need of some positivity. I am so thankful for people too, like my fellow Bipolar Warrior over in the UK, for talking to me this morning and putting my mind at ease about this whole thing. He simply said that all I am feeling is just excitement.

Isn’t it sad that when a person has been tormented by mental health professionals and medication for half of their life, FINALLY feels joy, excitement, peace, tranquility, and pure ONENESS – they are almost crippled with fear that it may be another manic episode and its off to the psych ward again? Isn’t it sad, that I am living in fear because things are finally going well?

But I am just going to shrug it off, and dance to the rhythm….because as you all know, it is a FACT that the rhythm is gonna get you. True story. What? You don’t believe that Gloria Estefan had this all shit locked down and figured out?  Haha. Man I am totally nuts, and I know it, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.


(And steer clear of psych wards if you can)

Stay tuned.



Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen


How do you feel when you are ghosted? Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them. In the age of online dating, these acts of cowardice have become so acceptable in our culture, that’s its just downright scary.

I am of a different generation. I think it’s Generation Y, and sometimes I think it’s totally fitting because I often think, “Y the Hell was I even born?” But that’s a whole other story in itself. Dating when I was younger was very much like what Drew Barrymore describes in the amazing movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” (2009). Her character in the movie really has a hard time navigating through the whole world of Online Dating. She says, (and I believe most of us can identify with this), “If I want to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, I don’t go get a new haircut – I update my profile.” Put simply, that’s what we all are now – just words and pictures on a screen, clicking away, swiping away, in the most inhuman way of interacting. Taking it a step further, Drew Barrymore’s character also points out how much of a damn struggle it is to even REACH someone to talk to them anymore, compared what it was like Once Upon A Dating Ago:

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting!”

I’m gonna go ahead and bring it into modern times and just simply say – #PREACH, Drew!

Anyway, when you finally get to the actual “date,” (I almost feel like that’s not what people are even doing anymore), it usually goes more or less like this:




Banter, Fun, Drunk. (IF it goes well – taking out the “no spark” and Catfish elements)

Sex. (Usually within the first week, or even first date)



Then back to Match – Repeating this whole self-absorbed, harmful, inhuman behavior over and over again, till you find yourself in your 40s. I have to say finding yourself in your 40s, still doing this crazy shit, is a REALLY scary thought – I mean at least it is for me. But you know, some people are just COMPLETELY oblivious of the whole thing. And in the case of one of these 40-year-olds, he made it work for him in a way that is just downright disturbing.

I watched something on Netflix this morning called, ” Hot Girls Wanted – (Episode 2 of the Series) – Love Me Tinder,” – and it was an inside look into the life of a serial-dater who became so good at his game, (on dating apps and sleeping with tons of women), that he had ZERO intention of ever settling down, or even slowing down. He was always in motion – swipe, swipe, text, date, sex, ghost, swipe, swipe, date, text, text, ghost, and then on to the next. One of the things that stuck out to me the most is the fact that he INSISTED on communication via text – indicating to me that same element I mentioned earlier – ABSOLUTE FEAR and TOTAL COWARDICE. The fact of the matter is, calling up someone, hearing their voice, listening to them cry, makes you FEEL really bad for the shit that you did/doing to them, and in this day and age, people just don’t want to deal with that. Fact of the matter is, they don’t even care.  The serial dater even says, “I just don’t want to deal with their feelings.” I mean as horrible as that is, MOST people feel the same way you know, men AND women. It’s really damn sad at how cold-hearted people have become towards each other, I mean even to people they had SEX with – which is even sadder because this society seems to have turned such an intimate act of love into some straight up porn shit.

Anyway, James Rhine, (The serial-dater in this documentary, and former cast member on Big Brother Season Six), had his 15 minutes of fame years ago, and kinda ran with it for a LONG time. I could even excuse the fact that he was a serial-dater, having his fun and living his life, ’cause you know no one wants to be a hater. BUT, what he was doing was very damaging to the women he was just discarding, over and over again, without giving it a second thought. His behavior REALLY disturbed me though because he used the fact that he was in his 40s, (you know older and wiser), to manipulate women – described in his words here:

“I think because I have been in this dating world for so long, and I have been able to cross over into all the new technological advancements, you know going from the old-school to the now hook-up culture, I take the best from all these worlds and compile them into what I think girls want and what other guys are lacking. You know the chivalry from being old school, the phone call, the holding the doors that stuff – I think I’ve put together a nice little strategy.”

That really hit me hard because he was using the values and behavior that most women look for, (which, for the record, is from previous generations), to methodically manipulate them. I mean this guy went the extra mile to “play the nice guy” that will melt your heart, you know making these women think “awww, he’s so sweet, he really cares about me,” and use it to his total advantage. And of course, when the women say the wrong thing, or he gets tired of them, he simply moves on.

This documentary was REALLY well done, and even though because of what I said here about James makes him look like a total sociopath, the FACT of the matter is, THIS is EXACTLY what people do these days, I mean, in one way or another.

I am sure you have heard that the main reason we have such a problem with commitment in this society is because there are way TOO many options out there. It’s a fact that has also affected marriages and people who are already in committed relationships. You know, you have been with this person for X amount of years, and you just want to try something “new” – you are tired of the same face, and I hate to say it – you are tired of the same genitals.

In this day and age, people are stuck in a perpetual NEED to stay in the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship, and when that’s over they just move on. A Need for Speed and the Rush of Excitement is the Name of the Game now, and it’s like frickin’ crack.

Anyway, James ends up coming face to face with the consequences of his actions, and he REALLY begins to realize what he has been doing for all these years:

“Sitting there watching her cry and break down like that over something that I personally didn’t think was that significant was a good reminder as to the fact that you sit back, get off your phone, and pay attention to how these other people are feeling. You’re affecting other people, and you’re not doing it in a good way, For me being 40 years old and still doing this, is just completely unacceptable behavior.”

I have to say that I really enjoyed this documentary, and I just want to tell you now, that when you’re out there dating, remember, PLEASE REMEMBER, that these are REAL people you are talking to and getting to know. They have REAL emotions and feelings and you should honestly respect them.

(Oh, and total disclaimer here: I ABSOLUTELY know women are fully capable of this behavior too. Please believe me that this wasn’t a man-bashing post, it was just done from James’ story and can be totally applicable for a woman’s story too).

Thanks for reading.

Stay tuned.



Posted in Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Lying in a Bed at a Psych Ward. Body Drugged So Much You Can’t Move. Then A Voice Says, “Get Up.”


I thought of that moment tonight. I tried to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight because I am giving it everything I have got to beat this illness, and that starts with developing healthy sleep patterns to improve my life.

Maybe having “The Shack” on the TV in the background wasn’t the best idea, especially knowing the struggles I have been facing in terms of “God” and “Faith” and what the doctors ended up telling me was just mental illness. How do you believe? Why is this such a struggle for me? Why can’t I let it go and just live? Why does this rob me of sleep?

Questions so many questions. I sit here typing at 4:32am, knowing I have to sleep, knowing that I can’t pop a Melatonin because I will NEVER be able to get up and help my father shovel the mountain of snow that is left for him alone to do, (Why the HELL did God make is snow?) I may be wracking my head too hard for answers, and what I am searching more may be simpler than I think. “Keep it simple,” they say – a mantra I have come to know well.

God may have shown me the answer I needed tonight, the proof I was looking for, beyond the doctor’s opinions of my mania, beyond of what believe is my mania.

It may be just as simple as remembering a moment that I haven’t thought about in many, many years.

I was hospitalized more than 17 times in 2004.  I was a guinea pig for the doctors because I beat them at their own game, took their pills, got better, and then threw them the hell out. I didn’t want them, I just didn’t want them. Up until the first moment I popped a pill, I NEVER experienced ANY kind of PSYCHOSIS in my ENTIRE DAMN LIFE.

Until I popped a pill, I was just your average kick-ass, hard working American Woman. 

Then from there my entire world collapsed. I lost my job, my apartment, my boyfriend, my self-respect, and most of all, my sanity. 

They caught me finally, and drugged me up SO MUCH, that I was nothing but a vegetable lying in a hospital bed of their psych ward prison. Lying in a bed, all day, every day, unable to move, barely able to eat, an absolute broken woman as a result of “the system’s solution to my mental illness.”

Then one night, there was a voice. The voice was weak, small. It simply said two words, two words I will never forget, two words that may be the answer to the questions I have been searching for:

“Get up”

“Get up”

“Get up”

Over and over again. Repeating louder and louder. 

No other message was sent. There was no complicated scripture, or nonsense religions teach you. Just two simple words for the tortured soul of a newly diagnosed bipolar patient. 

After the message was loud enough, I completely jumped – NO LEAPED – out of bed, ran to the nurse’s station and called my mom to tell her it was time we talk to the doctors and work out a plan to get me out of there.

That was the last night I lay helpless and broken in a psych ward bed.

It’s funny you know, that same message came through as I tried to sleep tonight. “Get up.”

I am not even going to ask why, all I know is that I am here typing this out for the world to see it.

In a time where there are SO many drugs being continuously fed to us, prescribed to us, pushed on us, and at the same time religious fanatics push their agenda on us, so many people are caught in between – and for the people like us, with mental illness, the battleground for our soul and sanity is embedded deep in our mind. It may be that the mind of someone with a mental illness is where all the answers of the Divine that has been sought after since the Beginning of Time.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments