When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger


Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.


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Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”


Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 


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A New Year, A New Vision – 2019


2018 was Hell. It was Hell for me and a lot of people. So, how does that set us up for 2019?? With Hope. I have come up with a plan in my mind that will get me off of disability by the end of 2019 and into 2020. I have a lot more going for me for the first time in a very long time. My goals are solid in my mind, and I have made realistic moves to make that dream a reality.

Invention: For the new year, I have finally decided to go forward with my “Yoga Chair” invention. I had already got the ball rolling, but I am short about $599.00 to get everything together. However, in 2019 I will have enough capital to get my invention on the market and hopefully make a killing.

Website: In 2019, I am going to attempt to build another website. I mean I put a lot into my blog already, but I am guilty of abandoning it. I need to be more proactive and dedicate more time to my site, be more interactive with people who visit my site, and be more specific in a particular theme or subject rather than being all over the place. Something is pulling me to center it around New York, but that’s just a rough idea.

Retail Job: This holiday season, I had a fantastic job at Sears, (no they are NOT going under). I learned that I need to be around people. For the past 10 years, I have been cowering and hiding in my room from the world, blaming my bipolar disorder and depression, (who else can relate?), and just being lazy. I realize now that interacting with people, helping them, and being overall connected with them is what I need and what was missing from my life. (Here’s hoping I get that Barnes and Noble job I just applied to).

School: This year, I will be going back to school. I am finally going after that Bachelor’s Degree. I hope all my other projects don’t cause me to fall behind though, (I have a tendency to make too plans to handle on my plate). I think though, that keeping busy with all of these things will bring meaning back to my life, (if I end up with an idle mind bad things usually happen).

Investments: This is the year I am going to explode on the stock market. I have a lot of ideas of how I want 2019 to play out, I have the necessary materials to make the right choices, so hopefully between everything I am going to be participating in on this list, my goal of being off disability will become a reality. (I have also decided that even if I make a killing in 2019 between all my projects, I will stay with whoever hires me part-time. I still will need to be around people).

So that’s it. That’s my 2019 wrapped up in a little pink bow. It’s amazing, you know, I never in my life made one resolution, or one goal at New Year’s. Maybe things are finally coming together in a way that will make my life easier in the coming years.

Also, I am finally going to be rid of my cowardice of hiding behind my bipolar disorder. I think we who have mental illness should not let it beat us and get too comfortable on disability. I understand it is VERY hard to even function on a daily basis, but if we sit still and let it consume us by being in bed or at home all day, every day, we will never break the cycle of pain. Getting out, doing something, being a part of your community is the BEST medicine and greatest healer for mental illness, (also taking your pills, TRUST ME!)

So here’s to a prosperous 2019 everyone, may your new year be filled with joy, happiness, and success for you and your families.

And to our troops abroad, thank you again for making our country safe for another year, we are in your debts.

Stay tuned.

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Gaming Culture, Sensitivity and Bullying


Online gaming. It’s one of those most lucrative and addictive platforms out there and it is probably more addicting than social media or Tinder swiping, (hard to believe right?)

I thought of something today. Why are kids getting bullied in school as much as they are? Why are people more depressed, suicidal and overall anti-social? Granted. these problems have been around for a long time but not to the extent as it is today.

I was playing an experimental online game today, and some of the other players were going around shooting and trying to chase me out of my car that I paid for in the game. Is that funny? Or should I say, is that considered fun? Basically, is everyone just going online and bullying other people online virtually? Some would argue that point as “lighten up” and “it’s only a game,” but a lot of people, (kids included), take their games very, very seriously.

I am an extremely sensitive person. I cry at almost anything, especially if something makes me feel bad. I am not saying I would cry over a video game, (I am way too smart to let some small dicked asshole bully me online to the point of tears), but generally, if I am uncomfortable or in pain the tears just come. They even come down like a giant waterfall sometimes. In addition to the sensitivity, I shy away from confrontation. If I am provoked, my gut reaction is to let the other person go first or have their way, as long as it doesn’t affect my bank account or my family’s safety. You know what that makes me right? A pussy. And you know what, I am glad that I am a pussy, cause all the macho hard asses will be long dead before they see their grandchildren.

We live in America, and we are primed to be tough. We are told not to back down and chase after our dreams. But when did it become a National Trend that we have to break other people down, step on other people, or even insult and steal from other people in order to be successful?

That’s where this new dysfunctional “gaming culture” came from. These games are violent sure, but what they teach is even worse than that. I think a game can be violent, (Resident Evil and Dino Crisis were bloody as Hell in my day), but the culture that is coming out of it is very disturbing. Kids are playing games where they are basically rewarded for going around and bullying their peers. They are taught to lie, cheat and steal in these games too.

It is a sad, sad state for gaming affairs, but I hope one day game developers will come with ideas to promote comradery rather than bullying.

Stay Tuned

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I Will Never Speak To My Little Sister Again


Does the title seem harsh? It’s funny, but with as much kindness and love that exists in my heart, I never thought I would be able to think such a thing, but there is a reason for it. I was hospitalized for most of 2018 due to my Bipolar Disorder. I experienced horrors and trauma in there that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and now, finally, I understand how much of a changed woman I am.

It was innocent enough. I am not supposed to drink because of my meds, but I have been cheating here and there. My sister and her boyfriend know my parents worry about it, so yeah, they covered for me. My sister’s boyfriend isn’t innocent either – after almost a month in the hospital undergoing lung and heart surgery, he shouldn’t be smoking. I shouldn’t be drinking, he shouldn’t be smoking. We are both in the wrong, and on Christmas I slipped up and let his secret out to my parents. And boy, am I paying for it.

My sister’s boyfriend is combative, you know, that macho bullshit. When they are out and about, he gets into it with people around him, and honestly one day my sister is going to get hurt by someone he pisses off. No matter where you are or what is going on, you never know what someone is carrying or capable of – starting fights in bars or concerts can easily get you killed. You are not a pussy if you walk away, you’re not a pussy if you let some asshole get away with something, you are not a pussy if you are a better man and decide to honor your woman and your safety.

When I would hear about these “stories” about all these altercations, I honestly felt scared for my little sister. When my sister’s boyfriend was smoking on Christmas Eve and I could hear the heavy cough, (fresh from the lung cancer scare), I got really worried, so I let the secret slip. As insignificant as my mistake is, I knew in my heart that he would hold it against me. And he did.

So, here I am, the night before my sister’s birthday with a text saying that she is cancelling her birthday plans with me and that I am not allowed over her house unless my parents are there for fear of my drinking. The old me would have probably apologized 1000 times, tried to make it up to her and make plans for another time. However, the traumatized me thinks it’s incredibly fucked up that she took the asshole’s side over me and is now permanently cut off from her big sister.


I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t be fake around people. When my sister gets married, I don’t want that awkwardness. I honestly don’t want anyone in my life who is going to hurt me anymore, even if it is my own little sister. I love her so, so much, I changed her diapers growing up, I did everything I ever could for her but I can’t be someone I am not.

During the six months I was hospitalized and traumatized, I realized that I am incapable of forgiveness. That’s a really hard concept for me to accept, but I really feel that now. God and Jesus both say you must forgive, but I will be the only Holy Crusader who can’t do that. I have so much love in my heart, I am incredibly sensitive and kind, but I cannot let people hurt me anymore, even if its close family.

Now I know why families are torn apart.

Now I know why there are feuds, (no I am not going to feud with my little sister, it’s just an example).

It is a real eye-opening experience for me.

I am not the woman I was and I completely changed forever.

Goodbye little sister, I will love you always.

Stay Tuned.

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Bipolar Twins – What is it like for a Bipolar I Person Vs. a Bipolar II Person?

So in the DSM, (what these psychiatrists use), there are two classifications of Bipolar – I and II, (sometimes I think there should be 10 but that’s just the 50 Shades of Lynn talking). Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I back in 2004 and my amazing friend Iain, (and Bipolar Twin), was diagnosed with Bipolar II roughly around the same time.

Over the years, Iain and I have shared tears, fears, heartaches, catastrophes, breakdowns, hospitalization horrors, (that little gem is just reserved for me so far), and overall love and friendship between two continents. Through the magic of Google, (I still have issues with their nosy, unreliable maps), Iain and I have had long and wonderful conversations of support and love through their “Hangouts” feature – which by the way you guys should totally get in on, it’s the best little gizmo for your phones – from my home in NYC and his home in the UK.

Recently, Iain and I have decided to launch a breakthrough campaign of “Mental Health Awareness” to educate people, (mostly bipolar people), on what its like to live with bipolar – what it’s REALLY like because we would be bringing you both perspectives – inside the world of both Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

So without further adieu, I bring you the first video, (of many more to come). Please follow us on Twitter @TwinsBipolar, Facebook (Lynn Iain), and Vimeo – Bipolar Twins.

Thanks for all your support.

Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Stay Tuned.





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Weakened and Broken – How the Psychiatric Industry Can Cripple You With Pills


I have been suffering with Bipolar Disorder for a long time and a lot of it wasn’t by choice. What has your experience been? For me, I was just handed pills to fix my depression and after that my life was completely destroyed. I really don’t want to be on any drugs – my heart, body and soul are screaming at me every day. I have no energy, I sleep too late, and I am such a broken version of the amazing woman I used to be.

A lot of people don’t understand depression – they think you are “just lazy” and just need to “snap out of it.”   But there are words that go through your head when you are depressed – like right now for me a little voice keeps saying, “go take all your pills and swallow them, just go to sleep then you won’t be a burden to anyone ever again.”

My best friend’s Dad just passed away last week, and you would think that would stop the suicidal thoughts because I have been given a gift that is life and I should make the most out of it.

It hasn’t stopped the thoughts.

I still cry almost every day after the horrible ordeal I went through in a Psych Ward this year. I was a soldier in there – fighting them when they threw me in isolation for just waiting at the door for my parents at Visiting Time – I took all the drugs they gave me and bawled Tears of Hell and Mercy to sleep at night for months. I never recovered from that, and when I told them that the pills they were giving me were way too strong because I slept all day and night, they didn’t care at all as long as I wasn’t troublesome or making a scene anymore.

I am a broken woman. I can’t get myself out of bed at a decent hour. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I signed up for all these classes, lessons and projects but my heart just isn’t in them. I think the thing psychiatrists don’t realize is you can’t just drug and drug someone – that person is a human with real thoughts and feelings and all the over-drugging will just damage them – like they damaged me. I understand that I was manic, well overly manic, but does that buy me 8 different pills at ridiculous milligrams for the rest of my life? Do I have to stay a lump of dead flesh with no feelings or hope for the rest of my life too?

If that’s the case just kill me now and be done with it.

I am so unbelievably depressed and I just can’t get out of it. These pills are forced on me and I have absolutely no hope.

I want to die so badly, so so badly but death won’t come.

Stay tuned.

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Survival of the Fittest: There is Only ‘Do and Do not’ There Is No Try.

I often wonder to myself how it is I get through life. I take a thousand risks, am overweight, and will drink two beers and swallow all my medication and go to bed. Yeah, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but screw it right? Look, all I know is that when you play hard, sometimes you lose hard, and sometimes you just have to put your legs between your legs and go home.

I did the latter.

I booked an amazing trip to Orlando from here in New York, (god I needed to get away), and planned all these amazing things to do – Kennedy Space Center, Clearwater Beach with Dolphins, Sea Life Aquarium, etc. I booked my car, hotel and flight and was on the plane with $900 to spend. Guess what? Somewhere along the line, everybody grabbed deposit money from me (they never did this years ago), and it left me with -$20 on my card and with the $10 I have in the bank.

God help me, the worst had happened.

There I am sitting outside this beautiful entertainment area filled with restaurants, stands, waterfalls, cobblestone streets and even a working choo-choo to shuttle all the kiddies around and I am on the phone crying my eyes out because I have no money for food, gas for the rental car and no frickin’ idea how I am going to make it with 6 more days left on my vacation. I arrived on Sunday, today is Monday and I have a whole week planned of fun things in Orlando, how the hell is this shit happening???

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Operator: This is Delta airlines how may I help you?

Me: I have no money. I have no way of getting food or gas for my car and I need to get home, I need to change my return flight to tonight not Saturday. Can you help me?

Operator: Ma’am I am sorry but we don’t do that and you have Basic Economy as it is.

Me: (Tears start falling while I am sitting on a bench in a public place) You don’t understand. I have no money for food. I have nothing to eat, I HAVE TO GET HOME. PLEASE HELP ME!!

Operator: I spoke to my Supervisor, and we can get you on one flight that leaves at 7:27pm from Orlando International Airport and lands at 10:00pm at JFK Airport.

I look at my watch: 5:22pm.

God help me.

The following occurred through some miracle of Jesus Christ Almighty God. I don’t know how I get by sometimes, I really don’t. 

5:22-5:54pm – Run out of Entertainment Complex (I didn’t even get to go to the Aquarium and that was the whole point of going there in the first place).

5:58-6:20 – Run into hotel, drop by the front desk and tell them to get my check-out ready. Then run to room pack insanely fast and have a beer, (I had to leave three behind, sigh). Check out and leave.

6:20-6:52 – Drive to Car Rental place, drop off car, pass inspection, then get shuttled to the airport.

6:52-7:10 – Run all away across the airport, (the shuttle left me on the other side of the airport and I can literally feel the tears swelling up in my eyes), make it to Delta, check-in and run to the security checkpoint.

7:10-7:25 – Make it through security and jump on the airtrain to the Gate.

7:25-7:27pm – Haul ass to Gate 75 and at the empty gate the attendant scans my Boarding Pass quickly and closes the doors behind me – I am the last one in.

Delta Flight from Orlando to New York at 7:27pm – 10pm makes it on time.


Just another adventure to strike off my “to do list” of the shit I get myself into and somehow got my way out of.

I have to say this though, even though my trip ended and I have to make a ton of phone calls to make sure I get all (or most) of my money back tomorrow, it’ good to be home.

I am here with my friends, my family, my neighbors of Nassau County, and of course Dave.

Home is where the heart is, and in the case of my home, there is no place like it.

God works in mysterious ways, and as much as I put myself out there and in harm’s way, He always brings me back –


(The above song is what made me cry as I descended into New York this evening).

Stay tuned.





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Universal Truths: and How The Afterlife is Intertwined with Earth Mysteries and Space

Why are we here? Did you ever sit down and really think about it? When we were kids we were so innocent and carefree, that our imagination went to the stars and beyond. Nothing was impossible for us and nothing was farfetched in any way.

Now, when you think of the universe we think in a one-dimensional term in which One God or One Being or One Universe is all there is – this type of thinking is very limited. Multi-universes do exist but on a very cosmic scale.

Where do you go when you die? What is death? What are pain and suffering? How does that correlate with the known universe and outer space? Indulge me as I try to explain. For humanity to understand the fundamental truths of spirituality, God, the universe, what is and what was and what was the beginning, we have to understand what is now.

What did you do today? Were you kind to your friends and family? Did you say hi to your neighbor? Did you smile at a stranger? If you said no to any of this questions, then you will never understand anything beyond this world or past the afterlife.

Science will come up with all these theories and reasons for things that were and things that are – but the TRUTH between all the calculations and conspiracies is that IF you are a horrible person, they or whoever you pray to will not talk to you and won’t help you.

It’s simple: sin is not what books of religion tell you what it is.

Science is limited as in we haven’t made contact because they simply don’t want to know us.

As far as I am concerned you all will keep looking and you will spend your whole lives looking.

I am a scientist as well as a child of the Lord. Which do I put first?

Why the hell do I even have to choose one?

You want answers? Love first. Just love. Just smile. Just feel joy.

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