When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.

 

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Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”

psychcentral-2015-08

Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 

 

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Deja Vu, and It’s Not Good

goddess crying

It was Fall 2002 when my boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to go on a “date” and I shouldn’t come over that night. You’re probably thinking, “WTF??” right? Well, when you have no self-esteem and you don’t feel good enough for anybody, you usually let people treat you like dirt. I remember that night like it was just yesterday, especially how much I had cried and what I put myself through for a piece of shit like him.

Fast forward 17 years and I still feel like that stupid 22-year-old who let that guy walk all over her. I love the person in my life now more than anything, and when he told me that his female friend was going to be spending the next three days in his apartment, I fell to pieces and I am now reliving that nightmare from 2002. Sure it’s different because my current guy isn’t anything like that douchebag from 2002, but the mental anguish I am going through is still the same – especially since I begged my guy to see him this weekend and he kept telling me no – now he has his friend coming over for the weekend and there’s no problem?? I am big enough to put that aside though, in fact I am big enough to put this whole situation to rest.

But why the heck is it bothering me so much and why am I crying buckets and buckets of tears? Is it just simple jealousy? That can’t be it. Me and my guy have been through so much and he has done more than his share to be there for me, so what is it??

Only one word comes to mind: Guilt.

When I met James last year, I know my guy hurt inside. I pretended he was an afterthought and focused in on this new beau of mine. Who could blame me? Me and my guy are just friends on the surface anyway and we don’t have sex, in fact some would argue we don’t even have a relationship. But does that stop me from loving him 1000%?? No way. So why is it that I am crying so much and feeling so much pain?

Because it doesn’t take much to offer to pay for a hotel room for your friend if you know its going to kill the person you love on the inside.

I am dying. I feel the pain in my chest and the tears don’t stop coming. I know I am guilty and that God is punishing me, but did I really do anything wrong? I was just trying to move on and be happy. My guy did break up with me in 2013 – so what happened? Is it because we both couldn’t find anyone else that we just stood together all these years? Was there nothing more??

I think now we are both going to find out the answer to that because in my heart and in my soul I can honestly say I hate him. I don’t know where its coming from or why it’s there but I really hate him right now and I don’t want to talk to him. My heart is burning, why did he make such a big deal about me coming over this weekend, why didn’t he want to see me? Why is it okay for HER to come over? Does he even care about me?

I know I am going to read this post in a couple of days and chastise myself because I know after all we have been through, this is nothing.

But ultimately, it’s not nothing because I am going to spend the next three days crying my eyes out and wishing I was dead.

Stay tuned.

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The Season of Change

Winter-to-Spring

So who else is with me when I say, “Bring it On Springtime!!???” I am itching to get out there in the warm weather because I think it will bring some inspiration. I am so lost right now with trying to find the right career for my future that I feel some sunshine will just “bring out the answers.” Wishful thinking you say? Possibly. But I don’t know man, I am just desperate for some direction.

I have two choices: Computer Science and English. There is no guarantee I will get a job instantly with either one of these degrees, but damn it, I have to try. I am almost 40 years old and this may be my last chance to get a Bachelor’s Degree. I also want my Dad to see me accomplish something by graduating school. I was such a good student when I was growing up, and it really was disappointing to my Dad that I never graduated High School. I guess I want to make up for that in some way. I understand that it’s my life not my Dad’s life that going back to school will impact, but I can’t help that it’s part of the reason that I want to go back and finish. I had such potential back then, and I still do, but I can’t seem to focus and get it together enough to succeed at a career. Come on girl you’re almost 40, get with the program already!!!

Anyway, I am lucky that I am a position to decide what steps to take with my future now because I don’t really have to work right now. Sure I am dead broke and barely making it, but I do have a bit of wiggle room. Now is the right time to decide this, so I better make my move soon. I think it was serendipitous that I dropped out of that online school and found that other “real” school, (and what I mean by real is an actual campus), because now I think I have a real shot at that Bachelor’s Degree because I NEED to be in a classroom to succeed.

On a another note, I would like to take a moment and thank my Mom and Dad, (and even my little sister even though we are not speaking right now but that’s okay), because without them this bipolar illness would have left for dead in the street. Every day I curse the doctors who put me here and destroyed my life, but you know, I never would have considered a writing career and been able to share any of this with the world.

I have been given a second chance to succeed and I thank God every day for it.

Without Him, we all wouldn’t be here. And for those who don’t believe in Him, he loves you too anyway because He gave you that choice.

Stay tuned.

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Gods and Monsters

So who else feels small compared to the Universe? I think I have always known how big the known Universe was but I didn’t know how God fit into that. In an age where everyone seems “agnostic” or “atheist,” saying you believe in God somehow gets you ostracized. I am not sure where it happened, or how it happened, it just IS now.

I have always believed in God, but as a Muslim born woman, let’s face it – I was basically told to just bow and worship and cover my face while doing it. Soooooo not me. I was just born rebellious and even though I respected my family’s Muslim beliefs, I was in NO WAY getting on that bandwagon.

So, like most people searching for answers these days, I considered myself “spiritual.” The only downside about that is you kinda get grouped into a category of “peace-loving Hare Krishnas having wild sex while burning bras.” Okay, maybe not that far, but you get the idea. I wanted to consider myself as a spiritual person who believed in God and Jesus Christ. But Not Christian and Not Mormon either.

So where in the heck does that leave me?

In the middle of nowhere, that’s where.

You’re probably wondering why “Monsters” is in the title at this point. Well, in my search for God, (without teaming up with any church), I ran into some demons along the way. This demon I live with is called “bipolar” and boy is she a bitch. I experienced things along this mental illness road that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So how does being bipolar affect the way I think about God??

Well I hear Him now, and probably more than I have ever heard Him.

I wrote a post a while back asking the question, “Why does a priest get praised for saying he feels the spirit of Jesus and the bipolar person who feels the same thing get locked up in a psych ward?” Okay, maybe it’s not that black and white, but in some form, that is what happens and been done for thousands of years to the mentally ill. In fact, people used to get burned and experimented on to the extreme back then too.

Whoa, that just got dark didn’t it???

Sorry about that!

Anyway, between God and the Monsters of bipolar, I find myself still in limbo. Now I hear the voice of the Lord clear, and at times the voice of Jesus too – but do I dare tell my doctor?? Hell no.

I just wish we can get to a point where people’s connection with God can be accepted if they have a mental illness. I know beliefs are accepted, but I know from first hand experience that the overwhelming power and energy that comes from my connection with God is something I will never discuss with my doctor for fear of being thrown back in a psych ward. It happened to me on Easter 2018, and I will be damned if I let it happen again.

But I feel Him.

And I KNOW He’s there.

Stay tuned.

 

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What Direction Is The “Right” Direction??

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Ever wonder what it’s like to hit crossroads in life? Or maybe what it’s like to get a second chance at something great? Divorced? Moved out on your own? New town? All these are changes people welcome – but what if you’re stuck?

For the first time in my life, I FINALLY have direction. I mean, I never realized how aimless I was until last year. Could you imagine living 12 years in a bubble? Better yet, a cage of your own making?? In 2004, I was handed a judgement of being “bipolar” when I never had been in my entire life, and from there, things just got from bad to infinitely worse. I couldn’t hold a job, I was spending money recklessly, I was sleeping with countless men and worst of all, I BECAME what being bipolar IS by definition in the DSM 5, (you know, that handy-dandy book psychiatrists use to hand out judgements to patients, changing their lives forever – and I could go on and talk about how I HATE that they “box” people in categories like this, but I won’t because it’s too off-topic).

Anyway, I never recovered from that day in 2004 – and for those that know me, this road that I have been on since then has been so, so hard on my mind, body and spirit. On a positive note, I have been given yet ANOTHER chance after falling hard so many times. Now, I have come to a question that mostly everyone has at one time in their life:

What career is the best for me? What can I do to make money and be happy??

I envy people who went all the way in school. They went from kindergarten to college, got out and just MADE IT. (Yes I can see you eye-rolling me), I KNOW it’s not that easy and a lot of hard work and sacrifice goes into all that, but I am wondering – will I get a chance at that??

So now, since all the craziness has passed and I am back down on Earth, I am faced with some options – I have a chance to go for an actual career in Earth Science that would be fulfilling, but the problem is, will I find a job in New York doing that? LIU Post has a great campus 30 minutes away from home, and they offer some great programs, but I just don’t know what I want to do with my life. Can I go to college at my age? And NO online schools are not the answer – my ass needs to go into a classroom and take courses, I have absolutely NO self-discipline what-so-ever! Have you guys tried an online school?? I got in and lasted approximately 20 minutes – no joke – I opened the browser to my courses, looked through and said “I ain’t doing this shit,” and quit just like that, lol.

Anyway, any advice anyone has will be super helpful as I am in a bit of an abyss right now with ideas floating around in my head. I have also thought about putting some real effort into a writing career, but would anyone really listen to my blathering??? I mean, you guys are, but you’re special 🙂

Please fill up the comments section!!!

Stay tuned.

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Love, “Secret Sex Online,” Spirituality and Awareness

cyber artist

In the world of online dating and sex, how many of you have had secret sexual encounters behind a screen? You know, like secret sexts and secret pic and cam sessions online? I ask this because, even though I have a man in my life I love more than anything,  the “sexual” part of our relationship isn’t there. It’s almost like what happens after 30 years of marriage.

I know to most people, sex is an important part of any relationship. For me and my partner, it isn’t. I have always been a sexual person, so the kind of “secret sex” sessions I had online filled the void that I didn’t have in my relationship. It is cheating, and NOW I am finally starting to realize HOW it’s cheating.

I know from reading many blogs and articles, “secret sex online” isn’t really cheating to most people. First of all, no liquids are being exchanged, and for the most part your face is covered and you are completely anonymous behind a screen, (shame on you idiots for showing your face in a nude pic, come on!) And for years, I have been justifying all this secret sex as just a part of my masturbation routine, (a level up from plain porn).

Tonight, I had my eyes fully open to what is cheating and what is not. Being a very spiritual person, part of the best “secret sex online” was Spiritual Sex. What is that? Well, there are certain extra sensory perceptions going on when you are having fun online. If you are not exchanging nudes or camming, a lot of the fun is in the “vision” of the person you are playing with in your mind. You are going off of just words and sext, and the imagery your brain fills in for you can make your body tingle in a way that can be more satisfying than actual sex, (I am talking about the kind of sexting done right obviously, not “bae show ur tits”)  And over time, I have used Spiritual Sex in many ways. I remember camming with one of my friends over in Scotland, and we would just have the cam at our eyes while playing, and let me tell you – if you think locking eyes with someone during regular sex is hot, locking eyes with someone on cam while playing is even hotter. You can literally FEEL their passion through the cam and it can last hours. Obviously, what I am trying to convey is, you can actual put your body in such a heightened awareness with someone who is just as equally aware as you spiritually – ie. erections caused by universal awareness through peace and love rather than erections caused by tits.

Anyway, I haven’t had any sort of Spiritual Sex since I came out of the hospital, (mostly because the rape and trauma in there stunted all the sexuality I had left). But tonight, I had a rare opportunity to revisit my life in Spiritual Sex. I met a guy tonight in an adult chat room and I was very excited to meet a such a spiritual person with strong sexual impulses. We started talking about spirituality when he told me he was having an erection and that he would like to relay those feelings over to me. I laid back and thought about it, and as my heightened senses could feel the excitement of what was happening, (for the first time in so long), the thought of my partner entered my brain. This, for me, was the first time I had EVER felt guilty of engaging in “secret sex online” and moreso the Spiritual Sex. As we continued to chat, the feelings bubbled more in my stomach that this is NOT RIGHT. I ended the chat by just closing the chat window and ghosting him, (another horrible reality of “secret sex online”)

What’s the moral of the story? That I truly LOVE my partner. I don’t care if we don’t have sex, or if we never have sex, I am not going to be able to have anymore “secret sex online,” EVER. He means the world to me, and even though I still have to masturbate to some really stupid porn to get my “release,” that’s just what I am going to have to do. The days of Spiritual Sex and “secret sex online,” is long over.

Please share any comments you have, and if you have “secret sex online.”

Stay Tuned.

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A New Year, A New Vision – 2019

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2018 was Hell. It was Hell for me and a lot of people. So, how does that set us up for 2019?? With Hope. I have come up with a plan in my mind that will get me off of disability by the end of 2019 and into 2020. I have a lot more going for me for the first time in a very long time. My goals are solid in my mind, and I have made realistic moves to make that dream a reality.

Invention: For the new year, I have finally decided to go forward with my “Yoga Chair” invention. I had already got the ball rolling, but I am short about $599.00 to get everything together. However, in 2019 I will have enough capital to get my invention on the market and hopefully make a killing.

Website: In 2019, I am going to attempt to build another website. I mean I put a lot into my blog already, but I am guilty of abandoning it. I need to be more proactive and dedicate more time to my site, be more interactive with people who visit my site, and be more specific in a particular theme or subject rather than being all over the place. Something is pulling me to center it around New York, but that’s just a rough idea.

Retail Job: This holiday season, I had a fantastic job at Sears, (no they are NOT going under). I learned that I need to be around people. For the past 10 years, I have been cowering and hiding in my room from the world, blaming my bipolar disorder and depression, (who else can relate?), and just being lazy. I realize now that interacting with people, helping them, and being overall connected with them is what I need and what was missing from my life. (Here’s hoping I get that Barnes and Noble job I just applied to).

School: This year, I will be going back to school. I am finally going after that Bachelor’s Degree. I hope all my other projects don’t cause me to fall behind though, (I have a tendency to make too plans to handle on my plate). I think though, that keeping busy with all of these things will bring meaning back to my life, (if I end up with an idle mind bad things usually happen).

Investments: This is the year I am going to explode on the stock market. I have a lot of ideas of how I want 2019 to play out, I have the necessary materials to make the right choices, so hopefully between everything I am going to be participating in on this list, my goal of being off disability will become a reality. (I have also decided that even if I make a killing in 2019 between all my projects, I will stay with whoever hires me part-time. I still will need to be around people).

So that’s it. That’s my 2019 wrapped up in a little pink bow. It’s amazing, you know, I never in my life made one resolution, or one goal at New Year’s. Maybe things are finally coming together in a way that will make my life easier in the coming years.

Also, I am finally going to be rid of my cowardice of hiding behind my bipolar disorder. I think we who have mental illness should not let it beat us and get too comfortable on disability. I understand it is VERY hard to even function on a daily basis, but if we sit still and let it consume us by being in bed or at home all day, every day, we will never break the cycle of pain. Getting out, doing something, being a part of your community is the BEST medicine and greatest healer for mental illness, (also taking your pills, TRUST ME!)

So here’s to a prosperous 2019 everyone, may your new year be filled with joy, happiness, and success for you and your families.

And to our troops abroad, thank you again for making our country safe for another year, we are in your debts.

Stay tuned.

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Gaming Culture, Sensitivity and Bullying

antibullyinglogo3

Online gaming. It’s one of those most lucrative and addictive platforms out there and it is probably more addicting than social media or Tinder swiping, (hard to believe right?)

I thought of something today. Why are kids getting bullied in school as much as they are? Why are people more depressed, suicidal and overall anti-social? Granted. these problems have been around for a long time but not to the extent as it is today.

I was playing an experimental online game today, and some of the other players were going around shooting and trying to chase me out of my car that I paid for in the game. Is that funny? Or should I say, is that considered fun? Basically, is everyone just going online and bullying other people online virtually? Some would argue that point as “lighten up” and “it’s only a game,” but a lot of people, (kids included), take their games very, very seriously.

I am an extremely sensitive person. I cry at almost anything, especially if something makes me feel bad. I am not saying I would cry over a video game, (I am way too smart to let some small dicked asshole bully me online to the point of tears), but generally, if I am uncomfortable or in pain the tears just come. They even come down like a giant waterfall sometimes. In addition to the sensitivity, I shy away from confrontation. If I am provoked, my gut reaction is to let the other person go first or have their way, as long as it doesn’t affect my bank account or my family’s safety. You know what that makes me right? A pussy. And you know what, I am glad that I am a pussy, cause all the macho hard asses will be long dead before they see their grandchildren.

We live in America, and we are primed to be tough. We are told not to back down and chase after our dreams. But when did it become a National Trend that we have to break other people down, step on other people, or even insult and steal from other people in order to be successful?

That’s where this new dysfunctional “gaming culture” came from. These games are violent sure, but what they teach is even worse than that. I think a game can be violent, (Resident Evil and Dino Crisis were bloody as Hell in my day), but the culture that is coming out of it is very disturbing. Kids are playing games where they are basically rewarded for going around and bullying their peers. They are taught to lie, cheat and steal in these games too.

It is a sad, sad state for gaming affairs, but I hope one day game developers will come with ideas to promote comradery rather than bullying.

Stay Tuned

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