When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

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Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.

 

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Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”

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Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 

 

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Bipolar Twins – What is it like for a Bipolar I Person Vs. a Bipolar II Person?

So in the DSM, (what these psychiatrists use), there are two classifications of Bipolar – I and II, (sometimes I think there should be 10 but that’s just the 50 Shades of Lynn talking). Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I back in 2004 and my amazing friend Iain, (and Bipolar Twin), was diagnosed with Bipolar II roughly around the same time.

Over the years, Iain and I have shared tears, fears, heartaches, catastrophes, breakdowns, hospitalization horrors, (that little gem is just reserved for me so far), and overall love and friendship between two continents. Through the magic of Google, (I still have issues with their nosy, unreliable maps), Iain and I have had long and wonderful conversations of support and love through their “Hangouts” feature – which by the way you guys should totally get in on, it’s the best little gizmo for your phones – from my home in NYC and his home in the UK.

Recently, Iain and I have decided to launch a breakthrough campaign of “Mental Health Awareness” to educate people, (mostly bipolar people), on what its like to live with bipolar – what it’s REALLY like because we would be bringing you both perspectives – inside the world of both Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

So without further adieu, I bring you the first video, (of many more to come). Please follow us on Twitter @TwinsBipolar, Facebook (Lynn Iain), and Vimeo – Bipolar Twins.

Thanks for all your support.

Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Stay Tuned.

 

 

 

 

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Weakened and Broken – How the Psychiatric Industry Can Cripple You With Pills

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I have been suffering with Bipolar Disorder for a long time and a lot of it wasn’t by choice. What has your experience been? For me, I was just handed pills to fix my depression and after that my life was completely destroyed. I really don’t want to be on any drugs – my heart, body and soul are screaming at me every day. I have no energy, I sleep too late, and I am such a broken version of the amazing woman I used to be.

A lot of people don’t understand depression – they think you are “just lazy” and just need to “snap out of it.”   But there are words that go through your head when you are depressed – like right now for me a little voice keeps saying, “go take all your pills and swallow them, just go to sleep then you won’t be a burden to anyone ever again.”

My best friend’s Dad just passed away last week, and you would think that would stop the suicidal thoughts because I have been given a gift that is life and I should make the most out of it.

It hasn’t stopped the thoughts.

I still cry almost every day after the horrible ordeal I went through in a Psych Ward this year. I was a soldier in there – fighting them when they threw me in isolation for just waiting at the door for my parents at Visiting Time – I took all the drugs they gave me and bawled Tears of Hell and Mercy to sleep at night for months. I never recovered from that, and when I told them that the pills they were giving me were way too strong because I slept all day and night, they didn’t care at all as long as I wasn’t troublesome or making a scene anymore.

I am a broken woman. I can’t get myself out of bed at a decent hour. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I signed up for all these classes, lessons and projects but my heart just isn’t in them. I think the thing psychiatrists don’t realize is you can’t just drug and drug someone – that person is a human with real thoughts and feelings and all the over-drugging will just damage them – like they damaged me. I understand that I was manic, well overly manic, but does that buy me 8 different pills at ridiculous milligrams for the rest of my life? Do I have to stay a lump of dead flesh with no feelings or hope for the rest of my life too?

If that’s the case just kill me now and be done with it.

I am so unbelievably depressed and I just can’t get out of it. These pills are forced on me and I have absolutely no hope.

I want to die so badly, so so badly but death won’t come.

Stay tuned.

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Survival of the Fittest: There is Only ‘Do and Do not’ There Is No Try.

I often wonder to myself how it is I get through life. I take a thousand risks, am overweight, and will drink two beers and swallow all my medication and go to bed. Yeah, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but screw it right? Look, all I know is that when you play hard, sometimes you lose hard, and sometimes you just have to put your legs between your legs and go home.

I did the latter.

I booked an amazing trip to Orlando from here in New York, (god I needed to get away), and planned all these amazing things to do – Kennedy Space Center, Clearwater Beach with Dolphins, Sea Life Aquarium, etc. I booked my car, hotel and flight and was on the plane with $900 to spend. Guess what? Somewhere along the line, everybody grabbed deposit money from me (they never did this years ago), and it left me with -$20 on my card and with the $10 I have in the bank.

God help me, the worst had happened.

There I am sitting outside this beautiful entertainment area filled with restaurants, stands, waterfalls, cobblestone streets and even a working choo-choo to shuttle all the kiddies around and I am on the phone crying my eyes out because I have no money for food, gas for the rental car and no frickin’ idea how I am going to make it with 6 more days left on my vacation. I arrived on Sunday, today is Monday and I have a whole week planned of fun things in Orlando, how the hell is this shit happening???

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Operator: This is Delta airlines how may I help you?

Me: I have no money. I have no way of getting food or gas for my car and I need to get home, I need to change my return flight to tonight not Saturday. Can you help me?

Operator: Ma’am I am sorry but we don’t do that and you have Basic Economy as it is.

Me: (Tears start falling while I am sitting on a bench in a public place) You don’t understand. I have no money for food. I have nothing to eat, I HAVE TO GET HOME. PLEASE HELP ME!!

Operator: I spoke to my Supervisor, and we can get you on one flight that leaves at 7:27pm from Orlando International Airport and lands at 10:00pm at JFK Airport.

I look at my watch: 5:22pm.

God help me.

The following occurred through some miracle of Jesus Christ Almighty God. I don’t know how I get by sometimes, I really don’t. 

5:22-5:54pm – Run out of Entertainment Complex (I didn’t even get to go to the Aquarium and that was the whole point of going there in the first place).

5:58-6:20 – Run into hotel, drop by the front desk and tell them to get my check-out ready. Then run to room pack insanely fast and have a beer, (I had to leave three behind, sigh). Check out and leave.

6:20-6:52 – Drive to Car Rental place, drop off car, pass inspection, then get shuttled to the airport.

6:52-7:10 – Run all away across the airport, (the shuttle left me on the other side of the airport and I can literally feel the tears swelling up in my eyes), make it to Delta, check-in and run to the security checkpoint.

7:10-7:25 – Make it through security and jump on the airtrain to the Gate.

7:25-7:27pm – Haul ass to Gate 75 and at the empty gate the attendant scans my Boarding Pass quickly and closes the doors behind me – I am the last one in.

Delta Flight from Orlando to New York at 7:27pm – 10pm makes it on time.

Hallelujah!

Just another adventure to strike off my “to do list” of the shit I get myself into and somehow got my way out of.

I have to say this though, even though my trip ended and I have to make a ton of phone calls to make sure I get all (or most) of my money back tomorrow, it’ good to be home.

I am here with my friends, my family, my neighbors of Nassau County, and of course Dave.

Home is where the heart is, and in the case of my home, there is no place like it.

God works in mysterious ways, and as much as I put myself out there and in harm’s way, He always brings me back –

HOME.

(The above song is what made me cry as I descended into New York this evening).

Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

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Universal Truths: and How The Afterlife is Intertwined with Earth Mysteries and Space

Why are we here? Did you ever sit down and really think about it? When we were kids we were so innocent and carefree, that our imagination went to the stars and beyond. Nothing was impossible for us and nothing was farfetched in any way.

Now, when you think of the universe we think in a one-dimensional term in which One God or One Being or One Universe is all there is – this type of thinking is very limited. Multi-universes do exist but on a very cosmic scale.

Where do you go when you die? What is death? What are pain and suffering? How does that correlate with the known universe and outer space? Indulge me as I try to explain. For humanity to understand the fundamental truths of spirituality, God, the universe, what is and what was and what was the beginning, we have to understand what is now.

What did you do today? Were you kind to your friends and family? Did you say hi to your neighbor? Did you smile at a stranger? If you said no to any of this questions, then you will never understand anything beyond this world or past the afterlife.

Science will come up with all these theories and reasons for things that were and things that are – but the TRUTH between all the calculations and conspiracies is that IF you are a horrible person, they or whoever you pray to will not talk to you and won’t help you.

It’s simple: sin is not what books of religion tell you what it is.

Science is limited as in we haven’t made contact because they simply don’t want to know us.

As far as I am concerned you all will keep looking and you will spend your whole lives looking.

I am a scientist as well as a child of the Lord. Which do I put first?

Why the hell do I even have to choose one?

You want answers? Love first. Just love. Just smile. Just feel joy.

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What It Is That I Really Want (Finally!)

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Money. Is that what drives you? Is that what you depend on for everything? Do you put money ahead of your friends, family and overall health and life? If so, I suggest you do a major overhaul pronto!

I have lived on disability for the past 11 years making $1485/month which comes out to roughly $350/week, and you know what? I was just fine. Sure, I was living with my parents, but I had everything I needed and wanted and I lived in a magical place with all these wonderful people as my neighbors.

And that’s how it’s going to stay.

I will be honest with you, the spirit of my son is still with me. I know to the average person, or non-believer, this may be farfetched or shrugged off as nonsense – especially in the scientific community.

The fact of the matter is I had my chance at a multi-million dollar career in either finance, technology, science, or any form of art – like singing, dancing and writing.

I know why I cry now. I cry for James, and I cry for my son. When I finally get my period, his spirit will leave me and the marks and swelling of my over-inflated stomach will go down, because whoever I was died with both my husband and my son. I am a shadow of the person who I used to be, and I think I am done in the corporate world.

I just got myself enrolled in an amazing medical plan that will help me on my road to recovery, weight loss and overall good mental health. All I need is about $1000 more a month and I will be okay. I need just enough to pay rent and a few bills with some extra cash on the side to be happy.

I will write for free.

I will sing for free.

I will dance for free.

I will trade on the stock market for free (just invest and throw all the money in not making a profit).

I will even give the country my patent of the “Yoga Chair” (make it a national item American made) so that everyone can get it for free.  I will just give away my idea and ask for no profits – I don’t want it.

All I want is to keep some of the things I have going on right now – I would love a job teaching Science to children, I would love a job as a dog walker, I would love a job bringing alcohol to your door too!

I have had my fill of this world. This world murdered my son and killed my husband’s spirit. What they did to me in there was so unforgivable and so much of a sin, I swear that mark of pain is still with me – I carry it in my face and I know people can see it.

So here is where I will stay – in Long Island, by the beach (I want to go to Long Beach), living my life till my dying day. I don’t know if I will ever have kids – or ever get married – my heart and my life died with my son, and died with James.

I am the last of my kind.

Be kind to me, I just want to be at peace now.

All my love,

ShatteredWishes

Stay tuned.

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Where Are You?

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I know you have been listening. You have been following me all my life. But where are you? You have been hidden from me for a reason I do not know. Men, they come in and out of my life like the wind – leaving a mark on my soul with each departure. But you – you have been there waiting all along.

I am moving to Georgia. I realize that after being with my family for so long, that they are the main reason I have suffered so much. My parents called the cops on me twice – both times it ended with me begging for my life at the mercy of doctors, pills, and institutions.

I am NOT bipolar. I know what I am. I am not an alcoholic either, well not anymore. What happened between April and this September was completely unnecessary and the scars it left behind have been excruciating to the point where I find myself alone crying for no fucking reason whatsoever. I am a soldier – I do not cry.  I have a monumental heart and what I am asking is, does that buy me six months in jail? That’s what that place was – JAIL. I have never been in so much pain all my life.

But I have to really look at the outcome. I am being taken care of now. After 38 years of being silent you are finally with me  – you all are – and I am utterly thankful and so grateful for all the wonderful support my carefree friends are giving me.

I want to say this though – my husband is still out there. I KNOW HE IS. He is waiting for me. Will I meet him on October 26th? I sure as hell hope so. I want to move on November 9th too so there is a lot that is going to happen hard and fast over the next month. But who I am kidding? I LOVE it hard and fast! No, but seriously, everyone around me is in complete fear of me ending up in NUMC again. Dave is always on my back these days, with fear in his voice and heart. I can’t say that I blame him – I put him through a lot. That was pure horror and the horrific things that happened to me are so unforgivable that it is left to the Lord God Almighty to punish them – a lawsuit won’t even matter at this point.

Always remember this when you think of me……..

I am the daughter of a carpenter.

I am the wife and mother of a carpenter.

Life is simple, everything about our existence is simple.

Stop making it more complicated than it is.

x+y=z

Stay Tuned.

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A New Age is Born

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21st century, is it yay or nay for you so far? Is the world of online dating a mountain of disappointment? Is internet addiction taking over your life? Has mental health issues and hospital costs ruined your existence recently? One out of three of these things is my burden to bear but that’s not what I want to talk about.

Things are happening to me that I can’t explain. I have come to realize that what I have isn’t Bipolar Disorder it is clearly something else. My mind is calculating like a machine – the way it used to be before I first became diagnosed. I have come to the conclusion that all this overdrugging and multiple hospitalizations have destroyed my life for 14 years. I became a vegetable – a science experiment to the powers of the status quo – poked and prodded like a rat in a cage. I remember the conversation I had at an intake evaluation with one of my favorite psychiatrists just last year when he asked me what medications I took. I simply answered, “all of them.” From Lexapro to Depakote, to Lithium, to Seroquel, to Respirdal, and my worst nightmare of 8 years – Haldol. Do you want to know the secret to staying out of a psych ward? Haldol and heavy drinking. See? Your life doesn’t seem so bad now huh?

Anyway, I am on my way to a very bright future. I am creating and reinventing myself times ten. I hope to have a new kind of exercise product out in the market by 2019, I plan on getting some experience trying my hand at the World Financial Market, I want to learn about Astrophysics, I want to learn Earth Science and weather patterns so we can predict some of these devastating world tragedies before they happen.

The fact of the matter is I know Mother Nature. We have lived and died together 10 times over, especially during my last hospitalization.

I want to take a moment here to think of James. Since my last entry I learned that my husband has become a monster and is now on the O1 floor of NUMC – that’s where the worst of the worst psych patients are. He gained another 30 pounds, he is unkept and just a horrible human being now according to my friend that’s still there on the inside.

They destroyed him.

They destroyed us.

And the fact that no lawyers have called me back tells me that those bastards are going to get away with what they did to me, and what they did to us.

I have cried my tears for it though and when I really think about it Dr. Barris really helped me when I got thrown back in that dungeon in August. Do I really need to go into that ant’s nest or ruffle executive feathers? Some may say no, but I think justice must be served.

Anyway, on a good and positive note I am fully functional and connected straight into the Matrix in a way that the world has never seen. The way I view the world and the universe is on a subatomic level almost in a way I can bend time and space with my mind. It is incredible to see what I see when I close my eyes. The best way to describe it would be this:

 

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I also want to say that I have finally come to understand that Dave is the man for me, I guess he was always “The One” but it took falling in love with someone else and a traumatic experience for me to appreciate all that is “Dave.” I do love him and he loves me just the same.

Stay tuned.

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