When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

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Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.

 

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This Path I Walk, It’s a Walk Alone

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Even now, on a fantastic and sunny 70 degree day I am hiding in my room from my sister and her man. I don’t think I have ever felt more alone in my life. At this point in my life, I know the path I am going to walk is going to have to be the one alone.

I messaged a friend on Facebook, who I saw was landing in New York,  to ask if he would like to get together for some coffee or lunch since he was in the area. No response. I messaged my good friend several times this week. No response. My sister gave me a fake telephone number which I called to tell her the good news about my new job, it said the number was a non-working number. 70 percent of my friends list on Facebook had unfriended me. It’s becoming weary and tiring, and I am hurting really bad because of it.

But I know this much, I am going to walk this path – the one God instructed me to walk. I may not go out with friends or have fun anymore, but this is what my life is going to be like now. No, it’s not depressing. I am not going to sit here and say “woe is me, I have no friends and nobody likes me” I am going to say that I am going to get through this and make friends that actually want to hear from me and be with me.

Through all of this, I have my best friend. He is my rock and has gotten me through the worst times in my life. When I was in the hospital, my parents left me in there and was going to send me to a Group Home. My sister didn’t visit me at all during the 10 months I was in there. The fact of the matter is, I am disposable – especially to my family.  I am working to cutting ties all together by this time next year. When I do leave, there will be no family Thanksgiving, No Christmas, because I can honestly say in my heart that I really hate them. I do, at the bottom of it, and it brings me close to tears. They abandoned me to rape, torture and abuse, and I will never forget it. Even now, as they laugh and talk outside my window, I am excluded and left to my own company.

I never thought I would be in this place – this place of unknowing and pain. In a world where you say you believe in God is now a “bad word,” I feel out of touch as to where I belong. My Star Trek group completely excommunicated me, and I have nowhere to call “home.” Even some friends I thought were friends stay silent in my presence. I feel so out-of-place, so lost, and so “not my self.”

I need to move on. I need to leave here and start anew. I feel like I have been shot in the heart by the ones I most loved.

But at the heart of it, I know ultimately that I am not alone. I know that somewhere are people who want to be my friend and that want to know me. I know I have a voice, and I know I have a lot to contribute.

I wish for the day to come where I will break free of these chains and actually make something of myself and hopefully become famous at something. Whether it’s for advocacy or writing something of merit, but I want all the people who abandoned me to feel pain and guilt for shunning me. I hate them too, even though God doesn’t want me to hate them.

I hate them in my world of loneliness where they all left me to rot.

I will make something of myself, and they will all pay for what they have done to me.

I am un-sorry and unforgiving. They don’t deserve forgiveness.

That’s evil in my heart that I need to purge.

Forgive me dear ones for my rage.

It’s coming from a place of hurt and pain.

I will overcome it though, and find my place.

Stay tuned.

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When Your Sister Gives You a Fake Number and Your Close Friend Ignores Your Messages

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I don’t think people realize what they are capable of. I am going to come from a place of strength from now on, I mean I have to. I don’t know what my sister’s reasons were for doing what she did, but I’ve had enough. I made a mistake on Christmas by telling my parents that her boyfriend was smoking and drinking too much because I was concerned because he just came out of the hospital for a cancer scare – but obviously it was none of my business to say anything. I apologized so many times because of it, and I am tired. I am so tired of pleasing people, chasing people, and catering to everyone’s needs and ignoring my own.

I am hurt.

I am hurt I am being ignored and toyed with.

I am hurt that people who are supposed to love me don’t give a shit.

Why do we let people do this to us?

I have such a big heart, but that just invites people to stomp on it.

Stay Tuned.

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I Was Okay, Till Tonight…..

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Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can be a benefit or a heartbreaker. It is even harder when you have some sort of mental illness, or in my case bipolar. It seems the world is totally unforgiving, even from people who you thought would stick by you in hard times.

During my last really bad episode, I said a lot of crazy things on social media – mainly Facebook and Twitter. The repercussions for that was me losing every group, friend and gaming partner I had ever built on these platforms.

That realization hurt me the most tonight. 

I used to part of such a cool Star Trek group. In my area there is channel called Heroes and Icons that show all five Star Trek shows back to back from 8pm-12am. Since I talk to my best friend for a few hours a night, I usually made it to my Star Trek group by at least 11pm in time for Voyager and Enterprise. I had tweeted here and there on the hashtag we use over the past couple of months, but tonight I realized that the CHANNEL Heroes and Icons may have blocked me from their Twitter feed altogether – which is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I didn’t realize how bad my behavior really was until tonight.

But you know, I thought about it some. I have recently rejoined a great mental health community called Forums at Psych Central and I realized that maybe all the people in pain must have triggered this “aloneness” I feel. I am not trying to bad talk them, they are in pain and seeking help from their peers – but the fact of the matter is I haven’t felt this horrible in a long time.

The good news is, I have this blog and the few friends left on social media. To be able to write all of this out and talk it out to myself is going to help me get through this. I have been through so much in my life that all the online groups and communities I had been a part of, was probably not a good idea to get so involved in. One thing I have learned is that real people, real friends (like the amazing friend I saw today), is what life is really about and I shouldn’t get so hung up on what I lost in the digital world.

Losing my Star Trek group is probably the toughest thing I have had to deal with though. But, not staying up till wee hours in the morning will help me to get going in my career and on to a better life. And who knows? Maybe I will be part of a REAL Star Trek group in the future, one that is more forgiving. You know, part of the reason it was so easy to block me is that I was just some “crazy” person behind a Twitter handle – if it was a real life group they may have been more concerned for me than just abandoning me. Needless to say that my “real life” friends on Facebook that de-friended me really hit me like a dagger in the heart – people from my old schools, people who I knew in person and hung out with just decided to just click a button and end a friendship with me. What’s crazy is I still think of them and how much they meant to me.

My heart is such an ocean, I wish I had some more friends to swim in it with me.

Stay tuned.

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When You Know He’s “The One,” Because You’d Rather Live Life the Hard Way….

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I have thoughts of the guy in my life, warm thoughts, and feelings of love. But I can’t ignore the lack of intimacy and what I give up each day to be with him. I am at a crossroads in my life – mainly where I am finding myself struggling while I search for employment to help me catapult my writing career. I am starting at the bottom, leaving myself vulnerable and open to failure.

Then “He” came along, the “Older Man” who stopped me in my tracks. When I first laid eyes on him I didn’t know what to do – I mean how could a man like this even look at me? But he did, for weeks, months – always showing up so he could bump into me. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. This man, this “Older Man,” has been with his share of women, some of whom were Playboy models, and other than my own insecurities, what exactly is stopping me? Tonight, the “Older Man” called me and just came right out and said it, “Do you want to be a kept woman? You don’t have to work, I will take care of that, all you have to do is do what you love, spend your time at the gym being healthy, and go on adventures with me.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?? Jesus Christ, I found myself bawling at the foot of my bed tonight.

I threw my guy away before. I have thrown him away many times over the past nine years. Most recently, it was for a guy named James who is probably drunk in a ditch somewhere with the $100 gift card I gave him. I gave so much to James and he threw me away like garbage, which goes to show you my taste in men. But this guy, this “Older Man” has been pursuing me for a long time, and he looks incredible for his age. I stop and question myself every time I am with him, and pinch myself to make sure it’s real. All he wants from me to be this “kept woman” is to make him happy and be there for him. It wouldn’t be a hooker-type situation because we both know each other too well for it to ever be like that.

But my heart-strings, my heart in general, I am just bursting on the inside. I hung up on the “Older Man” for the first time tonight, and as my phone rings and rings, the tears pour down my cheeks. I NEED my guy. I NEED the man who stood by me through all the madness that has happened over the years. I opened up my pictures and saw his face with mine smiling, and I was beside myself with pouring tears.

Yes, I could have life handed to me now on a platter if I wanted it. Yes, I may never get an opportunity like this again – but I MUST pass on it. God is telling me to, screaming at me to let this “Older Man” go. I have to. Sure, I may have to scrimp, struggle, save and be poor for the next few years, but I will have peace of mind because my guy will be my side. I love him. God I love him so much. I have to, just HAVE to let this “Older Man” and this opportunity go.

This is the way it was meant to be.

Stay Tuned.

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The Face of the Monster and Learning to Forgive Yourself For It

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It’s been years since I thought about my job at the Yale Club – but tonight was a special night. I had just posted some pics of me and my soon-to-be husband, (one day – way, way, down the road), and I started reminiscing. I pulled out my old box of pictures, letters and diaries and found so many treasured pieces from my past and wondered to myself, “what might have happened if I never went to that psychiatrist?”

The world of mental health has changed drastically over the past 20 years – more kids are getting diagnosed with a host of ailments, (that they probably don’t even really have), and more and more people all around the world are popping pills for the answer. Well, let me tell you – its is NOT the answer.

I was never ever really stable. For as far back as I can remember, I had a drinking problem and I had a problem with men – either I was sleeping with too many of them, or throwing myself at them. But man, that drinking, that was an animal. When I was at the Yale Club, the guy I was “kinda” with at the time was sober and was trying to get me sober and I tried for a while to walk the right path, but that animal alcoholism, I couldn’t hide from it. There is no mystery that most alcoholics suffer from some sort of mental illness, whether it be bipolar or depression – so when the team of doctors started poking, prodding and medicating me, I wasn’t surprised by my diagnosis. In fact, it has taken years for them to get it right and to be honest, I still feel like I am not winning this battle.

I am unsure how my life will play out. I alienated myself from SO MANY friends, from my past and future due to this “thing” I become. I am a monster, in the worst form when this bipolar shit decides to rear its ugly head. I mean, I was a monster when I was a drunk – now they just added some mental illness and pills on top of it. I am not at all surprised though. My father is a monster, an absolute monster. He has calmed down over the years due to heart issues, but the man’s temper is very much like my own = that hot-blooded West Indian thing, who knows. All I know is, I am still walking on eggshells around him sometimes, even after all we had been through as a family.

Tonight, I took a nice hard look at my actions. I went down the list of Facebook friends who have deleted me over the years, and even sent a message to an old friend from the Yale Club whose life I tried to ruin. I had no right to message her, but I felt that I should at least apologize and wish her well – I was the most monstrous to her and believe you me, I have shed many tears over that.

But who are we to blame for any of that? I had some drinking issues and I was in a self-destructive relationship with a man who didn’t really love me so was it inevitable that I would just implode in on myself and lose everything? When the psychiatrist I met with pushed pills on me, why did I just take them? Why does anyone just take them? As medical professionals, you would think they would be responsible when dealing with people in a fragile state. I guess for me, I had the worst luck and got an asshole who didn’t give a shit what happened to me – and then the years of darkness followed, in and out of hospitals, being raped and never heard, never feeling peace, broken relationships, failed career attempts – all of it started with that first trip to the psychiatrist. Don’t mental health professionals realize what could happen to someone who isn’t prepared for psychotropic drugs?

I am at a fault too, because I know the drinking didn’t help. But I know this, after all that has happened, and the horrors I have faced, I am so much stronger than I ever was. I cry so much more now, so much more than I ever did – because I found salvation, because I found hope – because I found God — because my faith is ever-strong. Being naked and cold on the floor of a psych ward endless times can teach you one thing – that when you stretch your hand to the Heavens and ask Him why He put you here to endure this – He simply says, “To make you a stronger woman.”

And a stronger woman I am.

Stay tuned.

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Who and “What” We Are In Comparison to a Mighty Tree.

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I heard a beautiful saying the other day, and it was simply this: “Fall in Love with Boredom.” It seems that there are so many of us looking for the next “quick fix,” the next “beep” of our phones, the newest Netflix show to binge – and with all of that I can’t help but wonder – what does that tree outside of your door think of that???

I am not going to deny that trees are majestic beings, they are without a doubt, our last connection with mother nature. Sure, there are animals out there that make us stop and wonder – but on a sunny day, in a nearby park, we can walk in silence among these great beings and never feel alone.

“In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfill themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. She wants to be nothing except what she is. That is home. That is happiness.”

I never thought I could understand something so beautiful. In my small mind, in comparison to this Universe, I think that I am somehow closer to God. God made the Mighty Tree, He made the Earth, but can I, will I, could I understand how infinitely Grand this Life is from where I stand.

I found solace in the New Testament this year, but I’m not typical compared other readers of the Bible. I masturbate, in my mind a sin, so I think I am not “Holy” and what makes a “good’ Christian. But here I stand, after enduring the horrors of my past, surrounded on a beautiful island with majesty’s trees – walking upon what Jesus taught me to finally “see,” and what we are taking for granted around us. I can SEE so clearly, beyond the hospitals, the doctors, the pills and everything else in between. I am not perfect, but in His eyes I am.

Who makes the twisted limbs and barks of a tree? Who makes the dark spots on my face from all the acne? Who makes the rings of Her bark after years of enduring the weather and turmoil of the Elements? Who makes the Sun shine in my eyes as I look upon Her, with Grace and Beauty of my old age?

I stand, like the tree. I am in love with boredom and monotony. I can live a regular life and go to work, pay taxes, and just be happy with the mediocrity. Adventure, hah, is that what we seek? Is that “rush” and that “thrill” all we seek? The highs of marijuana. Bah. The high of alcohol. Bah. The “high” of whatever drug out there, or just the “high” from a new “spark” kindled from some idiot we met on a dating site that we are just gonna ghost anyways. Do you see how we have limited ourselves?? Why can’t we stand tall and proud in the breeze like a mighty tree? Or even just take a nice book and sit at her base and read happily on a beautiful Spring Day?

We have lost our way.

I envy Her, the mighty tree – but I know when I talk to Her, she makes me feel alive again because after all, she is my lovely neighbor on this Good Green Earth.

God Bless.

Stay tuned.

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Coming to Terms With Who You Are – (And Your Ghosting)

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So since my crazy ordeal last year, I was left with questions about my romantic life. Being traumatized as I was, I didn’t think I could ever have sex again, and the prospect seemed so far out of my reach – I wondered if it was even possible again.  After you go through a life-changing event, everything you do and say goes right under the microscope in your effort to “figure out” what and who you need in your life.

I will admit, I became a hard person. I became very unforgiving and angry – angry for what was done to me especially, but I realized these past few months that forgiveness is the key to salvation and peace of mind. God has a plan for me – and I know it sounds so cliché and corny to say that but He does. In a world where we are now taught to laugh at folks who are believers, even talking about God seems weird. But, I know in my heart it’s a personal relationship and with all relationships we’re in, its nobody’s business what goes on in them. So for me, His Infinite Wisdom is teaching me what is good and not good for me at this point in my life and I could give less of a crap about what anyone thinks of that.

I met “The Older Man” a few years ago. Somewhere in my Google Hangouts messenger history is our old conversations, but for the life of me I can’t find it. I know I have spoken to him before at some point in my crazy online dating life, but heaven help me if I know where to look for those messages. I met him again recently, in an Adult Chatroom and sparks were flying like crazy – it was fun, flirty and he was sharp, witty and oh so handsome. BUT – I stopped going and I ghosted him, for what feels like the second time. I have been ghosting a whole lot of people lately and I know I am shitty for doing so but here is my reasoning:

I am alone most of the time, (practically single), but I am totally in love with someone.

So where does that leave me? Alone and horny? Not quite. I have to say, that for the first time in my life, sex is not essential to me in any way. Yeah I masturbate, but who doesn’t? And to be completely honest, I don’t even do it that much anymore because it feels like a “job” that I need to just “do.” And if I am being even MORE honest, I think sex for me now will be just like another chore that I would just end up “doing.” It’s amazing the things trauma can do to a woman’s sex drive – but I won’t harp on that because I have to move on and rebuild from that experience.

I can’t help that I feel lonely sometimes or that I ghost. I mean I do love my best friend,  but what do I do with myself during the time at night when I’m all alone? I’ve gone to Reddit and made some great friends but like I said, I end up ghosting them. And the crazy thing about all my ghosting is that I don’t see anything wrong with it and I don’t know how to tell these guys, “you’re boring as Hell.” I am fascinated by the whole culture around internet friendships and romances though – it’s like everyone wants that long-lasting “spark.” I mean I see it EVERYWHERE:

“Looking for something long-term where we can talk for hours and not get bored.”

“Looking to message someone all day and get butterflies every time my phone beeps.”

“Looking for someone I am attracted too – don’t be depressed and overweight.”

There are so many things wrong here because it seems like everyone is looking for something and that something just doesn’t exist. Don’t people realize that a “spark” literally means something that lights up then dies almost immediately? AND you’re only really lucky if a fire gets started – and honestly do you want a fire? Hot sex? Is that what having a “spark” is? To light a fire?? When did we start casually sharing our genitals this way? What the heck happened to courting? And WHY are you condemning people who are overweight and/or depressed? Are they THAT undesirable? I guess the only answer to all of that is that’s just the society we live in now.

*Sigh*

But what about lil ‘ol me? Well lil ‘ol me is just a horrible ghoster. I accept it. BUT the one thing I am gonna do is stop messaging people and giving out my KIK. I think if I don’t have a commitment to a messenger, it is less likely for me to ghost. I am gonna stick to chats and forums. Oh, by the way, forums are a lot of fun if you can find the right one. Forums at PsychCentral is good for if you’re having a hard time, and forums like HipForums and Elliquiy Roleplaying, are just for fun and silliness.

The moral of the story is that if I’m lonely, I will stick to casual conversations – because at the end of the day, my best friend has my heart and always will.

Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

 

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