When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.

 

Posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”

psychcentral-2015-08

Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 

 

Posted in Bipolar | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Who and “What” We Are In Comparison to a Mighty Tree.

tree

I heard a beautiful saying the other day, and it was simply this: “Fall in Love with Boredom.” It seems that there are so many of us looking for the next “quick fix,” the next “beep” of our phones, the newest Netflix show to binge – and with all of that I can’t help but wonder – what does that tree outside of your door think of that???

I am not going to deny that trees are majestic beings, they are without a doubt, our last connection with mother nature. Sure, there are animals out there that make us stop and wonder – but on a sunny day, in a nearby park, we can walk in silence among these great beings and never feel alone.

“In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfill themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. She wants to be nothing except what she is. That is home. That is happiness.”

I never thought I could understand something so beautiful. In my small mind, in comparison to this Universe, I think that I am somehow closer to God. God made the Mighty Tree, He made the Earth, but can I, will I, could I understand how infinitely Grand this Life is from where I stand.

I found solace in the New Testament this year, but I’m not typical compared other readers of the Bible. I masturbate, in my mind a sin, so I think I am not “Holy” and what makes a “good’ Christian. But here I stand, after enduring the horrors of my past, surrounded on a beautiful island with majesty’s trees – walking upon what Jesus taught me to finally “see,” and what we are taking for granted around us. I can SEE so clearly, beyond the hospitals, the doctors, the pills and everything else in between. I am not perfect, but in His eyes I am.

Who makes the twisted limbs and barks of a tree? Who makes the dark spots on my face from all the acne? Who makes the rings of Her bark after years of enduring the weather and turmoil of the Elements? Who makes the Sun shine in my eyes as I look upon Her, with Grace and Beauty of my old age?

I stand, like the tree. I am in love with boredom and monotony. I can live a regular life and go to work, pay taxes, and just be happy with the mediocrity. Adventure, hah, is that what we seek? Is that “rush” and that “thrill” all we seek? The highs of marijuana. Bah. The high of alcohol. Bah. The “high” of whatever drug out there, or just the “high” from a new “spark” kindled from some idiot we met on a dating site that we are just gonna ghost anyways. Do you see how we have limited ourselves?? Why can’t we stand tall and proud in the breeze like a mighty tree? Or even just take a nice book and sit at her base and read happily on a beautiful Spring Day?

We have lost our way.

I envy Her, the mighty tree – but I know when I talk to Her, she makes me feel alive again because after all, she is my lovely neighbor on this Good Green Earth.

God Bless.

Stay tuned.

Posted in God, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Coming to Terms With Who You Are – (And Your Ghosting)

Confused Ghost

So since my crazy ordeal last year, I was left with questions about my romantic life. Being traumatized as I was, I didn’t think I could ever have sex again, and the prospect seemed so far out of my reach – I wondered if it was even possible again.  After you go through a life-changing event, everything you do and say goes right under the microscope in your effort to “figure out” what and who you need in your life.

I will admit, I became a hard person. I became very unforgiving and angry – angry for what was done to me especially, but I realized these past few months that forgiveness is the key to salvation and peace of mind. God has a plan for me – and I know it sounds so cliché and corny to say that but He does. In a world where we are now taught to laugh at folks who are believers, even talking about God seems weird. But, I know in my heart it’s a personal relationship and with all relationships we’re in, its nobody’s business what goes on in them. So for me, His Infinite Wisdom is teaching me what is good and not good for me at this point in my life and I could give less of a crap about what anyone thinks of that.

I met “The Older Man” a few years ago. Somewhere in my Google Hangouts messenger history is our old conversations, but for the life of me I can’t find it. I know I have spoken to him before at some point in my crazy online dating life, but heaven help me if I know where to look for those messages. I met him again recently, in an Adult Chatroom and sparks were flying like crazy – it was fun, flirty and he was sharp, witty and oh so handsome. BUT – I stopped going and I ghosted him, for what feels like the second time. I have been ghosting a whole lot of people lately and I know I am shitty for doing so but here is my reasoning:

I am alone most of the time, (practically single), but I am totally in love with someone.

So where does that leave me? Alone and horny? Not quite. I have to say, that for the first time in my life, sex is not essential to me in any way. Yeah I masturbate, but who doesn’t? And to be completely honest, I don’t even do it that much anymore because it feels like a “job” that I need to just “do.” And if I am being even MORE honest, I think sex for me now will be just like another chore that I would just end up “doing.” It’s amazing the things trauma can do to a woman’s sex drive – but I won’t harp on that because I have to move on and rebuild from that experience.

I can’t help that I feel lonely sometimes or that I ghost. I mean I do love my best friend,  but what do I do with myself during the time at night when I’m all alone? I’ve gone to Reddit and made some great friends but like I said, I end up ghosting them. And the crazy thing about all my ghosting is that I don’t see anything wrong with it and I don’t know how to tell these guys, “you’re boring as Hell.” I am fascinated by the whole culture around internet friendships and romances though – it’s like everyone wants that long-lasting “spark.” I mean I see it EVERYWHERE:

“Looking for something long-term where we can talk for hours and not get bored.”

“Looking to message someone all day and get butterflies every time my phone beeps.”

“Looking for someone I am attracted too – don’t be depressed and overweight.”

There are so many things wrong here because it seems like everyone is looking for something and that something just doesn’t exist. Don’t people realize that a “spark” literally means something that lights up then dies almost immediately? AND you’re only really lucky if a fire gets started – and honestly do you want a fire? Hot sex? Is that what having a “spark” is? To light a fire?? When did we start casually sharing our genitals this way? What the heck happened to courting? And WHY are you condemning people who are overweight and/or depressed? Are they THAT undesirable? I guess the only answer to all of that is that’s just the society we live in now.

*Sigh*

But what about lil ‘ol me? Well lil ‘ol me is just a horrible ghoster. I accept it. BUT the one thing I am gonna do is stop messaging people and giving out my KIK. I think if I don’t have a commitment to a messenger, it is less likely for me to ghost. I am gonna stick to chats and forums. Oh, by the way, forums are a lot of fun if you can find the right one. Forums at PsychCentral is good for if you’re having a hard time, and forums like HipForums and Elliquiy Roleplaying, are just for fun and silliness.

The moral of the story is that if I’m lonely, I will stick to casual conversations – because at the end of the day, my best friend has my heart and always will.

Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hormones are Buzzing, But I am Gonna Follow My Heart Instead.

couple-flirting-while-drinking-wine-1

So, in the age of swiping, ghosting, Vegas weddings, (yes they still are a thing), and the infamous one-night stands, what’s your take on the whole “relationships in 2019??” I mean, there are plenty of people who have found their mates, but what about the rest of us?

I have loved my best friend since we met in 2010. We met on Eharmony, sparks flew, and we lasted a good three years together. After the relationship went kaput, we stayed friends, and remained, to this day, as best friends. I actually have never gotten into a relationship since then, but it’s okay because me and my bestie became even closer than we did when we were together.

I could say I have moved on from him, especially since my little fling last year with a tattooed hottie named James – but every time I want to go have a nice romp/relationship, my thoughts always goes back to my bestie.

Look, things are going great in my life – I am at home with my folks enjoying my time with them, playgirling it around whenever I wish, and on my way to a new career in writing, or going back to school full-time for that elusive degree I have always wanted. To be honest, in my 20+ years of dating, having a man is hard work – all the endless waxing, blowjobs, and whatever the hell else is required so you don’t get cheated on. Yeah, that’s a real issue cause for every good man out there, at least 10 bitches are lined up ready to pounce on your Prince Charming. Sorry ladies, it’s a FACT. So, I am kinda happy and comfortable with my bestie and all the freedoms I have as a woman. I think after you reach a certain age, you grow out of the “ring” and the elaborate “wedding” and you like your big bed and your hairy legs and as Carrie Bradshaw once put it, “Your Secret Single Behavior.”

Anyway, this all is nice and comfortable – (especially since I have a pact with my bestie that when everyone dies out and it’s just me and him, we are gonna retire and live out our lives together), BUT what happens when opportunities pop up for a chick? I am nothing to sneeze at – I am still rockin’ it at 38 with a good amount of 20 year-olds on my tail, but I have also attracted two very nice prospects recently. One of them is a hot 50 something with a rockin’ body and great career, the other is an old friend who I saw recently and I’m looking at in a whole new light cause – DAMN! Was this man this FINE the whole time I have known him?? And his voice can turn any woman’s panties into a creamsicle. Gross yes, but strangely accurate!

I guess what I want to say is, (and the point of this post), is that no matter what is out there, you KNOW it’s true love when you are willing to turn down some nice piece of tail. I mean I think I could turn one (or both) of those guys into relationships, but what happens to my bestie? I suppose he will always be my bestie, but I have just grown so used to him that I will really miss him – I mean I fart and burp around this man! Haha.

I know what love is and I am very happy to have it. Maybe my relationship with my bestie isn’t the typical kind of relationship, but we’ve made it work for 9 years and counting. I love him, I do, and even after I was upset at him a month ago for having a female friend over – he was on the phone with me most of the time she was staying with him, asked me to come over and have dinner with them, AND volunteered to put her up in a hotel because I was uncomfortable with it. But I didn’t want him to waste his money, AND even if he wanted to sleep with her. he can because technically we aren’t in a relationship. I mean if I am out there considering some BOOTAY, he should have that same option right? Fair’s fair.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have someone who loves and cares about you, hold onto it and treasure it. I am pretty sure if I slept with one or BOTH of those guys, my bestie would still call me every night – cause that’s just who he is and that’s what we have. I won’t do it though, I wouldn’t be able to live with it because I just love him like oh so much. So I guess it’s no adventures in Cabo with Bachelor #1, and no sex romps in Delaware with Bachelor #2.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Deja Vu, and It’s Not Good

goddess crying

It was Fall 2002 when my boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to go on a “date” and I shouldn’t come over that night. You’re probably thinking, “WTF??” right? Well, when you have no self-esteem and you don’t feel good enough for anybody, you usually let people treat you like dirt. I remember that night like it was just yesterday, especially how much I had cried and what I put myself through for a piece of shit like him.

Fast forward 17 years and I still feel like that stupid 22-year-old who let that guy walk all over her. I love the person in my life now more than anything, and when he told me that his female friend was going to be spending the next three days in his apartment, I fell to pieces and I am now reliving that nightmare from 2002. Sure it’s different because my current guy isn’t anything like that douchebag from 2002, but the mental anguish I am going through is still the same – especially since I begged my guy to see him this weekend and he kept telling me no – now he has his friend coming over for the weekend and there’s no problem?? I am big enough to put that aside though, in fact I am big enough to put this whole situation to rest.

But why the heck is it bothering me so much and why am I crying buckets and buckets of tears? Is it just simple jealousy? That can’t be it. Me and my guy have been through so much and he has done more than his share to be there for me, so what is it??

Only one word comes to mind: Guilt.

When I met James last year, I know my guy hurt inside. I pretended he was an afterthought and focused in on this new beau of mine. Who could blame me? Me and my guy are just friends on the surface anyway and we don’t have sex, in fact some would argue we don’t even have a relationship. But does that stop me from loving him 1000%?? No way. So why is it that I am crying so much and feeling so much pain?

Because it doesn’t take much to offer to pay for a hotel room for your friend if you know its going to kill the person you love on the inside.

I am dying. I feel the pain in my chest and the tears don’t stop coming. I know I am guilty and that God is punishing me, but did I really do anything wrong? I was just trying to move on and be happy. My guy did break up with me in 2013 – so what happened? Is it because we both couldn’t find anyone else that we just stood together all these years? Was there nothing more??

I think now we are both going to find out the answer to that because in my heart and in my soul I can honestly say I hate him. I don’t know where its coming from or why it’s there but I really hate him right now and I don’t want to talk to him. My heart is burning, why did he make such a big deal about me coming over this weekend, why didn’t he want to see me? Why is it okay for HER to come over? Does he even care about me?

I know I am going to read this post in a couple of days and chastise myself because I know after all we have been through, this is nothing.

But ultimately, it’s not nothing because I am going to spend the next three days crying my eyes out and wishing I was dead.

Stay tuned.

Posted in God, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Season of Change

Winter-to-Spring

So who else is with me when I say, “Bring it On Springtime!!???” I am itching to get out there in the warm weather because I think it will bring some inspiration. I am so lost right now with trying to find the right career for my future that I feel some sunshine will just “bring out the answers.” Wishful thinking you say? Possibly. But I don’t know man, I am just desperate for some direction.

I have two choices: Computer Science and English. There is no guarantee I will get a job instantly with either one of these degrees, but damn it, I have to try. I am almost 40 years old and this may be my last chance to get a Bachelor’s Degree. I also want my Dad to see me accomplish something by graduating school. I was such a good student when I was growing up, and it really was disappointing to my Dad that I never graduated High School. I guess I want to make up for that in some way. I understand that it’s my life not my Dad’s life that going back to school will impact, but I can’t help that it’s part of the reason that I want to go back and finish. I had such potential back then, and I still do, but I can’t seem to focus and get it together enough to succeed at a career. Come on girl you’re almost 40, get with the program already!!!

Anyway, I am lucky that I am a position to decide what steps to take with my future now because I don’t really have to work right now. Sure I am dead broke and barely making it, but I do have a bit of wiggle room. Now is the right time to decide this, so I better make my move soon. I think it was serendipitous that I dropped out of that online school and found that other “real” school, (and what I mean by real is an actual campus), because now I think I have a real shot at that Bachelor’s Degree because I NEED to be in a classroom to succeed.

On a another note, I would like to take a moment and thank my Mom and Dad, (and even my little sister even though we are not speaking right now but that’s okay), because without them this bipolar illness would have left for dead in the street. Every day I curse the doctors who put me here and destroyed my life, but you know, I never would have considered a writing career and been able to share any of this with the world.

I have been given a second chance to succeed and I thank God every day for it.

Without Him, we all wouldn’t be here. And for those who don’t believe in Him, he loves you too anyway because He gave you that choice.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, God, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Gods and Monsters

So who else feels small compared to the Universe? I think I have always known how big the known Universe was but I didn’t know how God fit into that. In an age where everyone seems “agnostic” or “atheist,” saying you believe in God somehow gets you ostracized. I am not sure where it happened, or how it happened, it just IS now.

I have always believed in God, but as a Muslim born woman, let’s face it – I was basically told to just bow and worship and cover my face while doing it. Soooooo not me. I was just born rebellious and even though I respected my family’s Muslim beliefs, I was in NO WAY getting on that bandwagon.

So, like most people searching for answers these days, I considered myself “spiritual.” The only downside about that is you kinda get grouped into a category of “peace-loving Hare Krishnas having wild sex while burning bras.” Okay, maybe not that far, but you get the idea. I wanted to consider myself as a spiritual person who believed in God and Jesus Christ. But Not Christian and Not Mormon either.

So where in the heck does that leave me?

In the middle of nowhere, that’s where.

You’re probably wondering why “Monsters” is in the title at this point. Well, in my search for God, (without teaming up with any church), I ran into some demons along the way. This demon I live with is called “bipolar” and boy is she a bitch. I experienced things along this mental illness road that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So how does being bipolar affect the way I think about God??

Well I hear Him now, and probably more than I have ever heard Him.

I wrote a post a while back asking the question, “Why does a priest get praised for saying he feels the spirit of Jesus and the bipolar person who feels the same thing get locked up in a psych ward?” Okay, maybe it’s not that black and white, but in some form, that is what happens and been done for thousands of years to the mentally ill. In fact, people used to get burned and experimented on to the extreme back then too.

Whoa, that just got dark didn’t it???

Sorry about that!

Anyway, between God and the Monsters of bipolar, I find myself still in limbo. Now I hear the voice of the Lord clear, and at times the voice of Jesus too – but do I dare tell my doctor?? Hell no.

I just wish we can get to a point where people’s connection with God can be accepted if they have a mental illness. I know beliefs are accepted, but I know from first hand experience that the overwhelming power and energy that comes from my connection with God is something I will never discuss with my doctor for fear of being thrown back in a psych ward. It happened to me on Easter 2018, and I will be damned if I let it happen again.

But I feel Him.

And I KNOW He’s there.

Stay tuned.

 

Posted in Bipolar, God, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Direction Is The “Right” Direction??

career

Ever wonder what it’s like to hit crossroads in life? Or maybe what it’s like to get a second chance at something great? Divorced? Moved out on your own? New town? All these are changes people welcome – but what if you’re stuck?

For the first time in my life, I FINALLY have direction. I mean, I never realized how aimless I was until last year. Could you imagine living 12 years in a bubble? Better yet, a cage of your own making?? In 2004, I was handed a judgement of being “bipolar” when I never had been in my entire life, and from there, things just got from bad to infinitely worse. I couldn’t hold a job, I was spending money recklessly, I was sleeping with countless men and worst of all, I BECAME what being bipolar IS by definition in the DSM 5, (you know, that handy-dandy book psychiatrists use to hand out judgements to patients, changing their lives forever – and I could go on and talk about how I HATE that they “box” people in categories like this, but I won’t because it’s too off-topic).

Anyway, I never recovered from that day in 2004 – and for those that know me, this road that I have been on since then has been so, so hard on my mind, body and spirit. On a positive note, I have been given yet ANOTHER chance after falling hard so many times. Now, I have come to a question that mostly everyone has at one time in their life:

What career is the best for me? What can I do to make money and be happy??

I envy people who went all the way in school. They went from kindergarten to college, got out and just MADE IT. (Yes I can see you eye-rolling me), I KNOW it’s not that easy and a lot of hard work and sacrifice goes into all that, but I am wondering – will I get a chance at that??

So now, since all the craziness has passed and I am back down on Earth, I am faced with some options – I have a chance to go for an actual career in Earth Science that would be fulfilling, but the problem is, will I find a job in New York doing that? LIU Post has a great campus 30 minutes away from home, and they offer some great programs, but I just don’t know what I want to do with my life. Can I go to college at my age? And NO online schools are not the answer – my ass needs to go into a classroom and take courses, I have absolutely NO self-discipline what-so-ever! Have you guys tried an online school?? I got in and lasted approximately 20 minutes – no joke – I opened the browser to my courses, looked through and said “I ain’t doing this shit,” and quit just like that, lol.

Anyway, any advice anyone has will be super helpful as I am in a bit of an abyss right now with ideas floating around in my head. I have also thought about putting some real effort into a writing career, but would anyone really listen to my blathering??? I mean, you guys are, but you’re special 🙂

Please fill up the comments section!!!

Stay tuned.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments