I oftne wonder, where has the time gone? So many things have gone down that I am just trying to make sense of it all. Yet I am here still feeling alone? How did that happen? Is it just because being bipolar time has stopped for me and I have no one left in my life? In all honesty I think I am partly to blame for that.
I recently left a message for the Irish Gentleman on Skype. I told him to pretend I was dead and to leave me the fuck alone. I caught him stalking me on my Twitter and on Facebook which caused me to get a whole new Social Media account. I also left behind my blog of over 300 followers months ago, partly because of him. It’s odd. WordPress sent me a notification that I have made it to a two-year anniversary of blogging. Where was I two years ago? Deep in a relationship with the Viking God. He was all sexual, all the time. I let him have his way with me because I had zero self-respect for myself. I thought that through sex, I would be able to get this man to love me. How stupid is that?
Anyway, reflecting on the past two years has taught me a lot. I was hospitalized last year and went through some crazy episodes. Now what am I doing? Trying to rebuild my life. I actually applied to some jobs this afternoon which I am very proud about. I think I have to take new steps in a better direction. I have cut out most of the negative crap in my life, but old habits die-hard. Azure leaving me was the biggest upset this past year. How do you talk to someone for two years, and then just cut them out of your life so suddenly without warning? My guess is that he got himself a girlfriend. It’s the only logical conclusion I can come up with,
Through all of the stuff I have been dealing with, God has been at the epicenter. I feel that all my pain and struggling is because I lost His voice. In trying to reconnect with the Almighty, I have made the conclusion that I need to take things slow. I need to continue relationships that have value, (like the love letters that I write to someone every day, but more on that later). I have grown so much over the past two years that I think the stars and the universe have so much more in store for me. I just got to look up……and listen. I will hear Him again. I will hear God and the universe again, I just have to be patient.