In recent days I have been emailing back and forth with a guy who either might be a catfish or straight up liar, I can’t tell the difference. I had a hard time with him, because he refused to chat, or text, or anything. There was radio silence for a couple of days when things took a turn for the worst. He basically dumped me because I was “asking for too much.” I enjoyed our letters and I remarked in my blog how I thought writing letters might be a nice change of pace. I wasn’t really pushy or anything about the situation, yet, he dumped me. I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but when did asking for a little more communication become such a chore? Are people THAT expendable these days?
He gets his jollies off on a Sex Forum site. That should have been the first clue. He logs in and checks on in with his “friends.” Some people like that kind of anonymity and casual fling. I guess my letters were too hard to handle or maintain. It is a discouraging aspect, and I have to say it almost ruined my entire day. I almost didn’t make it to my interview today. Thankfully, I have a friend who is always in my corner looking out for me, so when I called him he talked me in to getting my head right and not worry about some stupid online email guy, who probably gives less than a shit about me.
Why do I let these online men in my heart? Why do I let them get to me? I know my boredom and lack of activity in my life leads me to these kinds of interactions. Where has the joy gone in my life? Where do I find it again? I am addicted to the rush of finding and talking to someone new, I think most people are. But I have this habit of getting too attached and letting my emotions get in the way. This is ONLINE stuff, not real life. The “ghosters” run rampant on chat sites and even dating sites, just waiting to pounce on someone. You know, get the “high” they need by connecting with someone new, get bored and then just straight up “ghost.”
I am done with that. I went to the interview today and landed the job. I need to get my life in order and one of the first steps is to wean myself “offline.” I need to get a life and get it fast. Thirty-seven is around the corner next month, and I am not going to still be doing this crap when I am forty. Fuck that. I need to get my self-respect back. I need to get my strength back. I can’t let these online men take my power from me. I need to stand up myself. I need to stand tall and proud. No more playing the victim. I made some very poor choices in the past and it’s time I come to terms with them. I cut out a lot of people this past year, but I see more on the chopping block over the horizon.
Life waits for no man (or woman).
We will see how it goes.