Bipolar is so god damn hard. We can’t make heads or tails of the situations we are in, and even if things are perfect in our perfect world it all still feels like complete shit. Why is that? I have never felt worse. I have incredible people in my life, yet I am so utterly alone. I am so, so fucking alone. I have no one to even have a cup of coffee with. I let myself get so incredibly fat, I disgust myself. What happened to me?
Tomorrow is my second day at my new job and I want to quit. I want to fail and ruin my life. I want to destroy any hope of happiness. Why do I want to do that? This is endless, this horrid, horrid pain. I feel absolutely worthless. I go on chat sites expecting to find the man of my dreams, and all I find are horny douchebags. Can guys think past sex for one fucking second please???!!! I am so sick of this shit. I am sick of this whoring good for nothing generation. What happened to the gentlemen? When did men forget that they had to put in effort to get sex?
I hate everyone. I hate everything. I hate my life and worst of all I hate men. ALL MEN. FUCK YOU ALL. I don’t even care anymore. I have never felt worse. I have been leaving a path of destruction in my wake too. I have been ghosting people left and right and I could care less. Why I am getting punished for my behavior? What happened to all those bastards that were ghosting me? Why don’t they feel like utter shit?
I feel worthless, useless, like garbage. I am sick of my life and I want to die. I want to call my job tomorrow and quit and then swallow all my pills and just fucking die. JUST DIE ALREADY. What is the point of any of this? Seriously. Why are we here even doing this? We live life to just die. So why can’t I just DIE now? Why do I have to live? To do what? It is so fucking pointless. I am not even depressed, I am not even manic. I am just angry and tired. I hate everyone in the world so much. I hate beautiful people. I hate married people with kids. I hate anyone who is in a happy relationship. I hate you ALL.
I have nothing to look forward to. I have no one who loves me. I am knocking on death’s door. But something stops me. It’s God. That son of a bitch stops me. Through all of it, speaking through the depression, the suicide, the HATE, I feel Peace. I am so unbelievably crazy. I am screaming at the top of my lungs every day, and no one can see it or hear it. What would I give to feel love again? What would I give if I could meet a man who would complete me? I am so, so tired.
Dating is so hard. Especially when you’re bipolar. I won’t take my life, and I don’t hate you all, or all men. That’s just years of so much anger coming out along with so much anger for the state of the world right now. How did the world become so dysfunctional? What happened to us? I thought technology was supposed to help us. Why is it making it so hard to connect now?
We are completely overstimulated and understimulated at the same time. It’s a conundrum that’s going to kill us, some of us even faster than others. Forty percent of bipolar people commit suicide. As angry as I am, I don’t want to be a statistic. As angry as I am I don’t want to leave those I love behind without answers as to why I took my own life. I am feeling at my worst but hoping for the best.
I will go into work tomorrow, and it will be okay.
I won’t die.