So like this bipolar thing right? It has its ups and its downs. The ups has me flying in the burst of energy and rollercoaster high, where the downs has me crying in my pillow. But what about relationships? As an emotional trainwreck with this bipolar, I have to say that I am the most interesting when I am manic. When I am level, I can be calm and collected and can do a nice conversation. But when I am a manic I can be a sexual twisting tornado, or just an over emotional “I will love you forever” type person, where the tears come and I am spiritually drawn into another human being.
That’s what it’s been like. So I met Superman. (He shares part of his name with Clark Kent). Superman is married. Now I know what you’re thinking: ABSOLUTE NO-NO. That’s what it was, at first. I chatted with him, got along famously and then he dropped the “M” bomb and I high-tailed it out of that chat window. A few hours later, he logged in with a different name and was chatting in the room like everyone else. There was some flirty banter and laughs, but that was all in the public chat room. I was wondering why he wasn’t messaging me because we were having so much fun, but he knew who I was. I messaged him and he told me straight off the bat he was Superman but he understood that I had a problem speaking with married men.
Then the rollercoaster began. Hours upon hours of witty banter and flirting and then it happened. The tears came and in droves. Was I virtually falling in love with a married man after two days? Manic, Panic attack. My mania flew out of control and I have been on this “high” ever since. I told this man I loved him, he told me he loved me, and four orgasms later I am still riding the high. My legs are actually still wobbling. I haven’t even gotten a chance to speak to my Bipolar friend to help me with this, it seems he is almost impossible to get in touch with these days. I mean what’s up Bipolar Bear? I message you for four days and I get two messages back from you? Ugh. What a mess.
On the upside, everything since my birthday has been going swimmingly. I am doing well at my new job and my psychiatrist is trying to get me off of the Klonopin, which is a controlled substance and highly addictive. I am sure there are better things to help me sleep. Speaking of which I might try the Melatonin again. I really need to get my sleeping patterns in order. As good as this mania is, that hospital visit is just around the corner. It won’t be long before the psychosis kicks in. Bipolar life! Thank god I don’t do any drugs or even drink as much anymore. Things could be a lot worse.
Anyway, I heard from the Astronomer tonight. I can’t believe I have known him for over a year already! Turns out his disappearing act is due to his anxiety. Usually that “ghosting” shit is such a turn-off, but after you have known someone a while you just stop giving a fuck and go about your life, and they pop up when they pop up. C’est la vie.
So now that it is almost 7am and I haven’t slept all night, I will attempt to sleep and hopefully figure all of this out soon. Right now I am just living in the moment and enjoying the high. Bipolar can really be a gift. As much as the mood shifts sucks and you go through hell, the high is what makes it all worth it. It is better than any narcotic or stimulant. It’s a natural high, given to us by the grace of God. I say if I was cursed with this illness, I might as well milk it for all it’s worth.
Hope everyone has a Happy 4th of July!
And for all you Canadians, Happy 150th Canada Day! I know it’s a special one for you.