So I have been particularly manic over the past week or so, and I think I am finally coming down. I have been wrestling with my spirituality and some of the other aspects of my whorish existence. I said goodbye to Superman last night, (the married man), because we both agreed that our continued communication would lead to disastrous results. I didn’t want it to end so soon, or so suddenly, but either way it had to end, and I am just a bit sad. But who I am kidding? All forms of online relationships ultimately have an expiration date.
So what am I doing? Showing my tits and getting men off. That was my day today. I even attempted to just show my tits in a public chatroom and just sit there and have conversations with men as they ogled me. What is going on with me? I feel like such a whore in the eyes of the Lord. It was no accident that “The Book of Eli” was on this afternoon, kind of to remind me of his Holy presence even in the most subtle ways.
Ultimately though, I think I have just hit a new low. I am feeling bad about myself and using my “assets” rather than my brains to get attention from men. I spoke to my bipolar friend last night, and he warned me that I might hit the low, and to be careful that everything doesn’t come crashing down. Well it has, and I couldn’t feel worse about myself. I feel almost outside my body looking in at the worst version of myself. Who am I? What happened to me along the way?
I was thinking that in order to get over my married man (my Superman), I would have to just collect men like a Factory and just spit them all out, you know, the way they do with women. That’s kind of what I did today, but the only thing is, I don’t feel good about it. I am wrestling with my conscience and my morals now, as the “Sinner” and the “Saint” in me are doing battle. I know I am not harming anyone, because it is just simple exhibition and masturbation, but why is it hurting my moral code and spirituality? I know why though. It’s wrong, and it doesn’t feel right, yet I keep doing it. I have been breaking a lot of my own rules, especially since I got involved with the married man.
I wish I could fix this. I wish I had my dignity back and I didn’t feel like such a slag. I suppose with time I will learn to deal with the bipolar symptoms better, instead of just crashing in deep lows, and flying in deep highs. Bipolar life is hard, especially when real life seems so far away, and you’re buried in the online world of sin and desperation. I am deep into my internet addiction and I just can’t see past the screen anymore. Hopefully I see t he light soon.
Prayers for myself and for anyone else struggling right now.