In the online world, people come and go so fast it makes your head spin. As fast as we “swipe” them, they “swipe” themselves out, just as fast. This incessant revolving door attitude most people are adopting is a bit sickening, and sometimes you have to stop to think, “what the hell is going on here?”
I logged back into a site, (forum actually), I hadn’t visited in sometime. I was just looking around, when I saw his name on a thread. Kurio, or Greek for “Lord,” as I remembered. It stirred up some old feelings in me, so I messaged him. I had a little fling with Kurio back in May. Nothing sexual, but a very romantic e-mail love affair. Almost like the days of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in “You’ve Got Mail.” It all blew up in my face though. My fear of “Catfish” and NEED to keep in constant communication backfired, and I pushed him into a corner he was uncomfortable with. He basically ended things abruptly and broke my online heart. Knowing this, I sent the message anyway — apologizing and hoping we could reconnect.
I have learned a lot since May. I know it hasn’t been a long time, (only a couple of months really), but I know a lot more now than I did back then. One of the more important lessons through all the men I have gone through is: appreciation for those that had the biggest impact. I spoke a bit about appreciation in my last post, but I want to touch on it again. Kurio made an impact on me, so whether or not he seemed shady or what his intentions were, I felt a real connection. Sometimes you just have to let go and not expect anything. I think that’s the hardest thing about communication between men and women. Expectations. Men expect sex. Women expect love. That’s as simple as it gets.
Me though? I am learning to not “expect” anything. Every book on dating and socializing you read, even with friendships, is not to “expect” anything. But come on, who listens to that shit, right? We all WANT and EXPECT something, because that’s why we do things. If we didn’t want something out of an interaction, we wouldn’t do it. So what do I want out of my encounter with Kurio? A real genuine romance. As far-fetched as that is, I want something genuine. Yeah, it’s online, and there are a million red flags, but fuck it, I am going in.
One thing I learned through all of the online encounters, (especially with Kurio), is to respect a person’s boundaries. When someone says they are not ready, they really aren’t, so we shouldn’t push our selfish crap on them. The rules are simple and clear. Keep it friendly and don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. I have been guilty of going overboard way too many times. I get all obsessed and excited and start planning our future when I didn’t even meet the person yet. That’s borderline crazy, but screw it, I don’t exactly think “normal” anyways.
So, I will go forward with my romance, (as silly as it is), and enjoy it for while it lasts. Mindfulness is key though when approaching it this time. I need to be aware that it is not “real” and I shouldn’t put unrealistic expectations on it. I think I am really learning. I think I am really growing. I have come a long way so far, and I think this time around I will be smarter for it. So the romance of ShatterrdWishes and Kurio will continue, and we will see where it goes from here. Sometimes you just have to give in to fate and seredipity and let it lead you where it needs to go. So, time will tell for us.