What happens when you wake up completely alone? I mean with like no significant other, no friends to go to lunch with, family not around, and you’re just ALONE. It hit me just now, as I was thinking of something to type. I am really lonely, and I have no idea why. I think my meds are finally working straight, but I changed doctors so now I have to try new stuff, and I kinda don’t want to. I am a mess really, and I am just trying to figure stuff out.
Things aren’t going so well. I haven’t heard from the Pilot today and I am inches away from blocking him. As nice as it is, I am not ready for all of that. I mean I like chatting and connecting with people, but as I think about it. Do I want to be In a relationship? Not really. I wrote about this not too long ago, I don’t really think I am ready for one. As sweet and loving as the Pilot is, I can’t really deal with it. It’s a tough decision because all I ever wanted was a guy to really care about me, have a spiritual connection, and make me feel like I mattered. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just enjoy this? Maybe it’s because I pictured the Pilot differently than his actual pictures. That has been rubbing me the wrong way for a while. When he showed me his picture, I remember chatting with him before and I had logged off when I saw it. I remember it distinctly, but I don’t think he does. He is quite handsome, with a killer smile, but something is off with me. I guess if you just don’t feel it, you just don’t feel it. The hardest part is going to be making my exit. I won’t ghost him, he is owed more than that, and I really hate when people do that either way.
But is this why I will never wake up to anyone? Have I set my standards so high that no one will come close? Honestly, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am madly in love with my best friend. Things aren’t working out with any of these guys because my heart is in a completely different place. My best friend is a loner. He won’t come around to cohabitation for another 20 years, in my opinion. So where does that leave me? I am on a never-ending quest for love, but ultimately, it is a dead-end venture. I need to really come to terms with things. As I am learning about myself, I am becoming more aware of my needs and what really matters to me. Sometimes I can get really involved and fall head over heels for a guy, but these days I think my inner wisdom is telling me a better message.
The Pilot was talking about marriage and kids and I could feel myself getting queasy. Kurio hasn’t written me, and honestly I don’t care. I just need something to do rather than spending time online waiting around for “Mr. Right.” I mean the Pilot is pretty perfect, so honestly, I don’t have any idea who “Mr. Right” could be. I really think I have wised up, and I am now looking to take care for myself rather than chasing after guys. I want good things for myself. I want to be healthy, I want a career, and furthermore I want to kick Bipolar’s ass. I haven’t had any real symptoms in a while. Even that “high” I was feeling has dissipated.
Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed. “Waking up to no one” has become my mantra because I do quite like my big comfy bed. Do I really NEED a man? Will I DIE without one? I really don’t think so. The real truth is it’s all online fantasy. I am starting to live in reality, so the fantasy is looking pretty unappealing. Finally, I am peeling back the layers and seeing things as they are. And you know what’s left? Just me. Me, taking caring of myself, and doing my thing, and that’s aces in my book.
Whatever adventure there is for me is out there in the real world, not online.
Pearls of wisdom to live by.