So how do you cope? This thing called “alone” is something that a lot of people don’t deal with because they don’t want to. They fill it. With Facebook, SnapChat, Tinder, friends, family, potential mates, everyone to hide from the big fat monster of LONELINESS. What if the big fat monster is all you have? Okay, I am being dramatic, I have people, but they aren’t always there. I mean I could try to sit down and read a book, but who really does that shit anymore? I am working, yes, but it’s not enough hours. I need SOMETHING to fill my time.
I have flirted back and forth with being in a relationship. The Pilot thinks we are in one. I got News for him! I should really do something about that because I am totally leading this guy on, and it’s not right. No news from Kurio via email and it’s been almost five days, total dead-end there. And my sex partner, well, I can’t deal with that shit. I really don’t want to date. I don’t want to “Tinder” or “OKCupid” it, I just want someone to talk to, to communicate with. I don’t find joy in much anymore. No TV, nothing online really entertains me, and we already know how I feel about reading. So what do people DO?
I have tried MeetUp.com and there is NOTHING in my area. I mean there is a game night that is local, but that’s in the evening when I spend time with my best friend. I mean I HAVE people, but at 1:30pm in the afternoon I am just staring at walls. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I suppose I could pray, but I have been feeling kind of jaded and I don’t really think God is listening anyway.
I am really scared of this med change. I should never have changed doctors. The meds are working great now, and now that they are working great do I really want them changed? I think it is my choice after all, and I would really like to be off of the narcotic. I may have to force myself to do this change, even if it means affecting my sleep. Then again, maybe not. Hell, I don’t even know. I just don’t want to anger this new doctor. The best thing I can do is be honest, and say “look, the old regimen is working, let’s just leave it as that.” I may have a surgery coming up and I really don’t want to start messing with my meds.
Bipolar life is hard. Sigh. I wish I found joy in things. I am relaxed though. I am burning some Native American incense and enjoying the very cool rainy weather. Gloomy days are my haven; where they are depressing for some, I feel revitalized in them. So, what do I do now? I mean I sat here and wrote this nonsensical ranting piece, so what now? WHAT NOW? I suppose I can go sit in a chat. At least it’s not Adult Chat. God that place is a horror show. I have been spending a little more time in Singles Chat. I met a nice guy there yesterday to flirt with and pass the time. Those are really good chats. There was no pressure to stay in touch or anything, and honestly I will probably forget about him in a day or so.. I guess I find joy In connecting with people. There is something really sexy and mysterious about connecting with a stranger anonymously. You sit there and just imagine that they are a hunky stud, and they sit there an imagine you as a really hot chick.
Funny picture right? It couldn’t be MORE accurate!
So where do we go from here? I don’t know really, I guess that’s up to fate. So much time I am just wasting. I feel like I could be doing so much more.
What is your contribution to the world?
I wish I knew what mine was.