So, I have had to swallow some hard pills over the past few days. I have gotten myself involved with several men, all of which seems to be intent on having a relationship with me. It’s weird because I don’t really see myself with any of them. I am quite happy living my life with my best friend until Death comes along, the only catch is, I have to live without sex for the next 50 years. Talk about decisions huh?
As I approach my 40s in the next couple of years, I think I plan on being somewhat of a bombshell. I am taking steps now to fix myself up, (had the biopsy on the thyroid mass and I am cancer free!), so as I may actually achieve that goal. These men that want to be in my life, I will just have to use for sex, which sounds horrible in its own right. One guy, The Teacher, is very similar to me. He wants to be in a relationship and be just emotionally tied to one woman, but have the freedom to have sex, (online and offline), with other women. Now, most women would find that appalling, but I actually don’t. I mean to me, I would never want a man to limit my sexual activities because we were in a relationship. I want the freedom to have my rocks off, so why wouldn’t I want the same for him? How awful am I? Haha. Good thing this is all in fantasy right now. I haven’t actually made steps to have any of this happen.
Guy two, is more extreme. Outgoing Guy, let’s call him, likes to live it up and have fun. Never been married, not only does he want the freedom to have sex, but he also wants the freedom to date and have girlfriends! Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too! I didn’t like that idea. You see, if a man just fucks outside our relationship, I can handle that, because I fuck outside my relationships too. There is no feeling attached when I do it. But when you start having dates and girlfriends, sex becomes more about emotion, and that’s dangerous if you want to screw around and have a committed relationship. Oh, and he also wants me to charge the men I fuck money for sex, so yeah, I ultimately will be his prostitute too. Talk about a kinky relationship! I am totally on the fence about that one, but who knows? Maybe by the time I am in my 40s and hit even more of a sexual peak than I already am in my 30s, perhaps I would want to have many partners. That one is totally up in the air. I enjoy talking to him though, but when he told me about his date from the other night and they were “making out on his couch like teenagers,” it made my stomach turn. So yeah, that scenario probably isn’t for me. I think I need to leave that one alone.
So what do I want out of a relationship? Honestly? As time goes on, I think I am interested in mainly a sexual one. But, I can never tell that to a man though. (I am crazy but not that crazy!) I have my best friend for all the emotional support and love I need, I just wish we could figure out the sex part. The most frustrating thing about me is, I am literally split in two when it comes to my sexuality, as I have mentioned in previous posts. I could never see my best friend in a sexual way, because he is too “pure” to me, and I am really just a dirty slut, and want to be treated as one, if I am being totally honest with myself.
Writing all this out really puts things into perspective for me. In black and white, it’s all fact, and the fact is I can either live without sex for the rest of my life, or I could just find a fuck buddy. I just hope the guy doesn’t get emotionally attached. Haha, who am I kidding, right? I have to tread carefully in finding that, because I am definitely not looking for someone just to use me, but that makes me a hypocrite because I would be using them. All so complicated! So between those two gents, I really don’t have any more options at the moment. Oh, except the Religious Guy from New Jersey, who wants his Priest to basically jerk him off by blessing his genitals with Holy Water for our future kids. Yeah, What???!!!! Haha, let’s leave that one alone for now, but yeah, this is my life. Hope you stick around for the next segment.