When do you feel at your best? When do you feel at your worst? Is there such a thing as in between? I have been in a somewhat melancholic state for a while now, and I think it’s due to lack of mental stimulation from a nice well-spoken gentleman. I love words. I love what can be done with them, and I love a man who can pull them out of the air and sweep me off my feet.
But alas, all empires must fall. I am choked, stifled, and lonely. I have wrestled with the fact that I don’t NEED a man right now, but it would be nice to have one. To wake up and have a text waiting from him, or a nice “I’m thinking of you” note. People always say the little things count right?
I am somewhere in between the lines. I lack stimulation, but I don’t want to actively seek anyone out. I feel like the epitome of lazy because I want him to find me. I thought maybe I could write with someone and perhaps do a roleplay, but that is a far cry from actual butterflies.
The lines are above and below me as this canvas of crooked wavy sketches on the screen is starting to take its toll on me. I want to be challenged. I want to be wanted. My bipolar friend totally ditched me and I KNOW he saw when I messaged him last week, which makes me infuriated. I don’t even want to fuckin’ talk to him anymore. I hate when people ditch me and only use me for their convenience. People are users and it is getting worse for every generation. The worst part of it is, my best friend, the person I lean on for support is having an emotional battle due to the fact that he found out his father has cancer. I can’t even be there for him like I want to.
So where do I stand now? In this very melancholic state of mind. I don’t know if it’s the stupid bipolar or what, but I feel like absolute shit. The young man I was speaking to totally made me run for the hills. His neediness is beyond what I can handle, but what should I really expect from a teenager? What the hell is wrong with me that I thought I could converse with someone so young? I am caught between the lines. I can feel myself slipping. I became a drone with a job, and stifled myself into a plain existence.
Where’s the passion?
Where’s the fire?
Will I ever find someone to enlighten me?
Where are YOU?
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.