What happens when someone throws you away like garbage? What happens when you still care what they think of you afterwards? What happens when you become the worst version of yourself because you blame yourself for their actions?
Weak. Nothing. You feel worthless. My tears can’t hold back from what I am feeling right now. I was duped, then dumped. Thrown away like the nothingness that I am. What happened to the strong woman I used to be? Where was my strength tonight?
I didn’t submit. I won’t. I won’t be broken, coddled or told what to do. That’s not in my nature, or who I am. I enjoyed his company, I enjoyed his time. I pity him for the wonderful woman he just threw away. But am I really surprised? Not at all, really. Men throw me away all the time, and this is just another one to add to the list. I suppose I could say that the common denominator is me in all of this, which it is. Why can’t I get a man to stand by me? Why can’t I get a man to just stand still with me?
I am going to drown tonight. Drown myself into the worst version of myself. I tried to commit suicide over a man who did something like this to me, years ago. Will I do it again? I doubt I will, but God, I want to.
I will pray tonight for him and for myself. We never had a chance, we are too different. When I look back on my life at all the mistakes I have made, he will just be another one. I suppose I was just another notch on his belt, a nothing to him, that’s why it was so easy to dump me, to throw me away. Why get heartbroken over something that never really existed? Did you really fall in love with him?
I waited hours today to see him. I jumped at his message when I saw it.
His witty remarks, his foolishness. His passion, his spark. I will miss them all.
I will drown tonight, lose myself in alcohol and pills and not care if I wake up tomorrow.
And you know what? Neither will he.