What do your hangovers feel like? Constant pain in the head, a slight bit of disorientation? I had my first drink in a while last night and I mixed it with my medication. Not the smartest of moves, but what is done is done. Seroquel always gives me a hangover, but to top it off with a “booze” hangover, I couldn’t feel more awful than I do now. I guess the question you are all asking is “Why do you do it?”
When you’re sitting in a restaurant alone, like you always do, when you realize that a former friend of yours snuck out so that you wouldn’t see her and your life feels like utter shit, yeah, fuck it, you want a drink. I want one because I realize how alone I am, I want one because my life is not going anywhere, and I want one because I just want the indescribable pain to stop.
Being bipolar is unbelievably difficult, and anyone who throws around the term has no idea of what kind of hell we actually go through. It’s a crippling feeling, where you don’t feel emotion and you want too so bad, or you feel too much emotion and you just want it to stop. I am at the point where I want to FEEL again. I want to FEEL emotion so fucking badly that I drank almost a whole bottle of wine.
This mood stabilizer I am on is doing its job. Almost too well, I would have to say. It completely numbed me out, and after taking it with alcohol I feel like utter shit. (Never take your meds with alcohol, I was really bad for doing that). How will I ever go back to work in this condition? Will I fail again, like I have countless times? Is this crippling disease going to drive me straight in the grave?
I wish I could pray, and find my connection with God. I am such a spiritual person and I feel it being stifled by medication. I want to throw them all away, but I know I would end up back in the hospital. When I get on my knees and put my hands together and close my eyes, I feel nothing, almost like an absolute fool for trying. God has left me and I have lost my spiritual voice.
If you’re out there anyone, please say a prayer for me so that I can hear His voice once more.
Tonight is Friday night. People will be getting together, having a drink, and enjoying themselves after a long hard work week. It’s amazing how disconnected I feel from all of that. It’s amazing how disconnected I feel from life.
I had my hangover and I woke up to life. I woke up to a life that is devoid of any joy and feeling. I woke up to a life where people, places and things are so far away, they might as well not exist, or better yet, I might as well not exist.
I don’t know, all it takes its Faith, and mine is hanging on by a thread.
We shall see.