I don’t know. Call it another manic bipolar night. Call it too much stimulation where everything in my life is just clicking right, but none of it makes sense. Call it amazing sex with three orgasms that I couldn’t get enough of the night before last. Is it because I didn’t have an orgasm tonight that I can’t sleep? Or is just that my bipolar mind is racing and I just can’t stop it?
The scariest thing for me is alcohol. I feel like I need a drink to combat this manic mind of mine where pills can’t help. The worst thing? Being sober 10 months and ending up in the hospital because my mania sent me into psychosis. So how does an alcoholic bipolar person get cured if being sober sends you into mania? I know that alcohol is a depressant so that’s how it “brings me down off the high.” But how can I not drown when I am fighting an addiction at the same time fighting to stay out of the hospital? It’s like I am fighting two battles, both of which I can’t win.
Relationships? Couldn’t be more difficult to understand. The Quiet Man says he loves me, but things have been going downhill the past couple of days. Our sex life isn’t there, and I think we are both ignoring the Elephant in the Room. That spark isn’t quite there as it was before, and we are both a bit awkward about it. My sex life with “The Captain” couldn’t be better though. I haven’t mentioned him before because I wanted to keep the one safe thing in my life off this blog and that’s my Twitter life. My Star Trek group on Twitter is where I met The Captain and it was innocent enough. Things just got heated over the past few weeks and with the Quiet Man returning I am just at odds with myself. How do I separate my feelings? All of this happens at the same time that I am madly in love with my best friend. I am such a mess, I can’t even take it.
Being bipolar is the hardest thing I ever had to endure in this lifetime. Boyfriends, friends, jobs, family members go in and out of my life but nothing is like this illness. It is debilitating. It completely breaks you down and makes you weak. And there is no miracle drug.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist now. One who treats me as a human being and not as a clinical patient. He took me off of two pills, so now I am just down to two. And I couldn’t be more fucking scared. How is a bipolar mess like myself supposed to make it on two pills? I am overjoyed that I am not going to be as drugged up anymore, because Haldol was a damn hard drug, but at the same time I am scared that the illness will overpower me and I will be lost in the hospital again in a deep manic hell.
I am so scared, and all I want now is sleep.
Sleep I am robbed of due to my manic mind.
Sometimes I wish it would just all end.
God help me.