Halloween, pumpkins, changing leaves, cooler days and nights, that melancholy twilight just before sunset, and it is my absolute favorite. My spiritual side comes out a bit too this time of year, as I remember it coming through right before my hospitalization two years ago.
I would walk in the park. The natural changing leaves falling and crushing beneath my feet. The Northern Wind (as I like to call him) brushing by my face as he speaks to me telling me of the wonders of the world. Fantastic visions. They were all part of a mania long since past.
I am empty, hollow and numb. I used to be able to pray and now I can’t. All the things I usually feel I just can’t anymore. I have been robbed of my spirituality due to medication and I hate it. I know its doing it’s job and keeping me out of the hospital, but where do I draw the line? How do I find my spirituality again?
Being close to Jesus and prayer, and even just the universe is a big part of my life. Connecting to nature and feeling moved by the amazing Fall season is what I love. I am afraid to leave and go out there and talk to The Northern Wind again. What if I end up back in the hospital? Going down that spiritual path is so dangerous for me since I am bipolar. When I connect on a higher level or a different plane, I am unlocking the mysteries of my brain that most don’t ever get to experience.
An orgasm for example. Now this for most people is the height of pleasure. I get nothing from it but a brief burst in ecstasy. Drugs like LSD, Acid, Weed, Cocaine, Heroin and Crack is nothing like mania. I mean I have never tried those drugs, but I know for a fact that nothing can bring me as close to Heaven and God like my mania can. It is absolutely euphoric and oh, so dangerous.
How do I connect again without become manic? I have been struggling with that question for years now. I want to hear His voice. I want to connect to the universe. I want to feel bigger than I am and a part of something greater. I want to let my imagination flow and get lost in a world of wonder and ecstasy. But it is so elusive. My path is hidden from me in a mix of medication and numbing side effects.
When will I get my turn again?
When will the answers come?
Patiently I wait.