Round four. Around this endless circle we go. I don’t know what attracts me to this horrible man. It’s 4am and it’s raining. It started when I was out there crying, so I can only assume (armed with my Faith) that God heard my call. I said his name over and over again as I cried, asking for forgiveness from everyone in my life I ever caused harm to. There comes a moment in your life, when time stops, and you realize there has to be something more.
The world is asleep. My house is quiet. My neighborhood is quiet and all I hear is the pounding of the rain. People are resting to get ready for another work week. Can I actually see myself in a 9 to 5 job? A drone like everyone else, following the grind, endless cups of coffee and mindless office chatter as you try to get through the day.
I need to fix my life. I feel like a coward hiding behind my bipolar. I feel dead inside because the pills numb me to the point to where I can’t feel. I am thinking about what the psychic told me and I feel like it is all bullshit. Do we really live in a world that is physical? Is there nothing more beyond us? Are we just animals walking around like everything else on this planet?
I couldn’t feel more lost or in pain. “The Captain” is still in my life and I am holding on to him. I was juggling the two men, but I think it’s time I let one go. I can’t go through this anymore. This other man is bad for me, he always was. There is just this THING between us. We are magnets of fire that just electrify when we come together. Forces of nature that can’t be ignored. I have to leave him behind though, I have to walk away. For my sanity and for my health.
I am weak and I am numb. The rain, I hear it, it’s been raining all day. It stopped for a while and began again. As with everything, and the circle of life. I will wake up tomorrow and begin again. I will avoid where he is and pretend he doesn’t exist anymore. I cried again for him tonight, and I NEED for this to stop. It is too painful for me. Sweet, sweet, sweet exquisite pain. That’s why we go back to people who are bad for us. We need it, we thrive on it. It’s sick, is twisted, it’s masochistic.
Carrie once said Mr. Big was emotionally unavailable. That even though he whipped her over and over she was the one who tied herself to the chair. Now I am getting out of the chair and walking away and shutting the door behind me. The real test is being able to stay away. That is always the hardest part.
God, please give me the strength to keep this door closed.
I am begging, pleading with you.
Sweet, sweet, sweet exquisite pain, so seductive, but I need to let you go.
Now all I can hear is the rain.
And my heart.