Too many times I have been on this rollercoaster. I had gone up and down for months. Now, for the first time in what feels like years, things FINALLY make sense. I don’t know what happened. It was one of those miraculous things that just happen to a person. Several nights ago, I spent more than two days awake; trapped in a bipolar haze of mania and overwhelming emotion. It was bad. I finally separated myself from the Quiet Man, which I thought would be the hardest thing for me to ever do. And it was.
That night, there was a massive storm that blew through NYC, and it felt like I was riding on the waves of that storm. I had a tremendous breakdown because of my mother’s health, and when the Quiet Man just destroyed whatever love I had in my heart, I finally threw my hands up and surrendered.
I sat in the quiet of the night, the silence overwhelming, and lit up a cigarette. As the wind blew in the distance and the clouds loomed overhead, I asked God for help. I asked for His voice and to bring me peace. I hadn’t prayed in a very long time, because I couldn’t feel anything due to the numbness of the pills I take, but if there was ever a time to be a believer, it was now.
I feel like I can finally be free with myself. I have fallen in love for like the third time in a month, but I think this one will stick. There is no pressure, no worry if he will ghost me, and a common ground in which things will never get boring. I feel at ease now, where things have fallen into balance. I was devastated when I lost my job, but I haven’t had the need to spend money in ages, and for the next few months, all I am going to do is save up for Christmas.
Tonight is one of the best nights I have had in a long time. I am FINALLY sleepy all on my own because I finally feel at peace. I never questioned God before, nor did I ever believe in miracles, but this what I feel, and what has happened to me, feels nothing short of a miracle. I have been in utter chaos, just searching, combing the internet, digging my nails into wherever I could find, looking for that connection in which I would feel complete.
Nothing is in stone, and I am not hearing wedding bells, and I am not going to sit here and gush of how much in love I am, but in doing this, I have finally been able to find myself. All that darkness that was consuming me has left me, because I surrendered, and I gave myself over to my higher power and humbled myself and let things happen naturally. I pushed myself to my limits and I no longer feel empty. I let everything pour out my heart in the tears I shed for the Quiet Man, and let the love of another man I have had in my life for months fill it. It is often that we don’t notice or pay attention to things that will later impact us in a profound way. Never in a million years I would think I would have connected with this person, but we did, and magic happened.
I believe. Even though bipolar has me by neck, choking me every chance it gets, and the pills just numbing me out like a zombie, I believe. I have profound faith now even though I may not feel it as deeply as I would if I was unmedicated. Things have finally completed my circle, and I can finally say that He answered me.
If you are lost, and you doubt, try to talk to Him. Just any words that you can find. You may not think that He is listening, but I assure you He is there. I have no religion, I follow no rules or books, so these are not words of a preacher. My words are from someone who lost their way and found salvation after I asked for it. Sometimes you have to ask, even if you think its silly.
He will hear you.
He will hear your prayer.
You just have to say one.