I had a series of bizarre emotions today as I was contemplating my place in the universe. Did you ever stop to think what is the point of all this? People are constantly running around. I mean it’s like go-go-go all the damn time. But when you STOP, I mean really just stop and let things settle in your mind, was all that you have done worth it?
I have been struggling the past few months, and I thought I finally found some clarity. My mania is in check as I am just dealing with severe insomnia instead of the rocketship highs I used to get. The Seroquel seems to be helping, but it is making me a numb vegetable. I am losing the ability to feel and I am becoming more irritable.
The last message I received from the Quiet Man was something along the lines of “the fire that he loved about me seems to be gone” and even though we don’t speak anymore, it couldn’t be more true. I am having a tough time. I want to say it’s the pills, but I don’t think that’s it anymore. Something is off. Something is wrong with my life and it needs fixing and I do not know where to begin.
Things are going really well “The Captain” so much so that I think I am deeply in love. I had moments of euphoria that were monumental and I think there is something really special between us. But there is something missing that I am dancing around and I don’t want to face.
The year is ending and I will be 38 next year and I have nothing to show for it. I failed at any job I attempted and I feel as though I am going to have to make some hard choices soon. I can’t live with my parents forever, and even though I pay my way, I know the safety of being under their roof won’t last long. I am scared, downright petrified, of the future.
I sat down and thought about my life and I know I should be so thankful for all that I have. I really am, but I think there is more I should be doing. I need to finish my novel and I need to do something that I am proud of. I need a reason to get up in the morning. I need a reason to live. Bipolar is so fucking hard. I feel like there is some kind of defect going on in my brain. I want to say I am just lazy, but I think there is just so much more to it than that.
As I think about life and where I am going, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop worrying so much about it. I need to trust in God and have faith. Even though I don’t feel fully “connected” with my higher power, I feel like I understand what the message is, I just worry too much. I have a good life and I have to embrace it. I have to be thankful for all that I have and all the people in it. I am not in the go-go-go mode, so I actually have the time to sit down and appreciate things where most people can’t.
I have been thinking a lot about my best friend too. He was the one I was supposed to live the rest of my life with and now “The Captain” has fallen madly in love with me and I am getting scared. I may be faced with a decision down the line that I don’t want to make. But all that is in future tense. Eckhart Tolle wrote about “The Power of Now.” I think I am going to have to revisit that. The is a hamster wheel going round and round in my brain and I think it’s time I get off and just sit still for a moment.
There is peace in stillness, I just have to find it.
Welcome to the uncharted waters of a restless mind.