My life has been turbulent. Years wasted just wandering, trying to figure myself out. Failure after failure, just completely filled with heartbreak and disappointment. Till something changed. I don’t speak of the Captain often in my posts, because I don’t want to be one of those people gushing about how much in love they are to the point to where the reader wants to puke. So, instead I am going to embrace Thankfulness.
It’s amazing. Since the age of “Catfish” people have been having online relationships. I know I favored online dating and even met a dear love of mine on Eharmony. Usually, they break and fall apart though. Some people lose interest, some people ghost, or some people just walk away from the computer and go out in to the “real” world. I’m saying “real” world in quotations because I find people don’t ever disconnect from their phones anyway, so how “real” can it be?
But I digress. I have a love of Star Trek. Ever since I was little, I had a fascination with the stars and the adventures of Kirk and Picard. I even had a thing for Commander Riker (love the beard). As I got older, my dreams dissipated, that “real” world kicked in, and I realized that I had a lot of growing up to do. My relationship history is rippled with heartache and misery, and eventually they led to a suicide attempt and a bipolar diagnosis.
I spent a good chunk of my life in darkness and alcohol. Battling the bipolar illness didn’t help, and my endless search for a true love kept me up nights, even days. After my last relationship ended and we remained friends, I had assumed that was it for me, and my new-found “friend” would be the one I would spend my life with. Then the Captain came.
It’s probably the silliest, (or one of the silliest) things ever. There is a channel here in New York that shows all the Star Trek shows back to back almost every night. You know, the Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and of course Enterprise. I would follow along with my other Star Trek nerds, (god I love this warm group of people), on some nights using a hashtag for the channel on Twitter. We would laugh, follow along, and just enjoy Trek. The Captain has been on there since it started. Quiet, reserved, deeply loving and kind, he would light up every time he saw I joined in on the fun, taking the time to welcome me to the group every time I came “aboard” his little crew.
To be honest, I joined the group sporadically. I didn’t invest much time hanging out on Twitter and following the Star Trek hashtag, so I hardly tuned in. I was off getting my heart stomped on by The Astronomer, The Quiet Man, The Literary and whoever else I have been blabbering on this blog about over the past several months. I was also on different chat sites and dating sites trying to find the “love of my life.” Needless to say my love of Trek and the need to bond with a group of people brought me back on Twitter, where the Captain awaited me.
It started innocently enough. A couple of messages back and forth, maybe some sexual innuendo, and of course exposing him to my wild personality and flirty nature. I was in the middle of several different men at the time, having all sorts of sex and getting my feelings tangled up on top of it. Things escalated fast online, and me and the Captain got very close. I now spend my nights engrossed with him, and the need to connect with anyone else is just not there anymore. The Astronomer appeared tonight, (after a month), and I realized that I am done with all the bullshit. These “zombies,” as they are called online, resurrect themselves in your inbox, (like the undead), after weeks of disappearing, and are like a plague in my life. The Literary did the same exact thing. I am sick of being on a man’s timetable. I am sick of being just something they reach out to when they are bored. I am stupid in a way because I always answer them, making it easy for them to think I am at their beck and call.
My life is taking a turn. I have to look out for my family and my health. I think I have this mania/depression thing under control, and I need to get a full-time job. I can’t hide behind my illness anymore. It was a shock to my system when the doctor that is treating my mom for her stomach infection, (we finally found out what it was since the emergency room visits did nothing to help her), gave her Trazedone because he said she “looked anxious.” What the fuck? She goes to a doctor for an infection and he gives her psychiatric pills? And not just ANY psychiatric pills, strong ass pills that I used to be on for my bipolar! When the hell did general practitioners become psychiatrists? I was beyond upset, and got rid of those pills immediately. A doctor like this is what ruined my life. When I went for help all those years ago, they shoved pills in my face and sent me down a road to the bipolar hell I am in. I will NOT let them do that to my mother. Not at her age. Fuck that.
With all this going on in my life, I realize I finally have balance. I am taking care of my mother and I am starting to realize that it is time to grow up and take charge of my life. I have the Captain. I have many other people in my life too, but now it finally feels like I am complete. I don’t know what the future holds, but throughout the hurricane of my life, I feel like I am finally settled in the Eye of the Storm, and all that is there is love and thankfulness.
Was the psychic right? She did say that I would be in love by November. Nah, it’s just coincidence right? I don’t know if I believe in that, but I believe SOMETHING happened that shifted the way my life is turning. It could be that I was waiting for my Captain to rescue me and show me the direction that I needed to head into.
I hope and pray that we will travel together on calm seas, just like in the Eye of the Storm.