Did you ever stop and have a one on one with yourself? You know, going over your life, your choices, thinking about the people who have left, and the people who are still in it? I spent a good chunk of my life at the bottom of a bottle, drinking away my days and nights, hoping that I could find a balance through all the loneliness. My relationship with alcohol has been a rollercoaster ride, and tonight as I pondered my life and where I am going to end up, I started reminiscing on past events.
So many people have crossed my path. I can still say their names in my head clearly. I wonder how they are and if they still think of me. Each person that comes in to your life comes in for a reason, (I know it’s really a cliché thing to say), and changes you for the better or worse. Did you ever just go through your phone contacts or even your Facebook list and think, “what ever happened to this person?” It’s interesting because as I am moving forward, I am closing the door on my past life.
All my life, I have wanted a man to love me. I used sex to get it, and that is not the healthiest thing to do. I had went on countless dates, and chatted with thousands of men online. People get bored easy; they look for that “spark” which I think is some man-made thing that doesn’t exist. How do you know you have found the one? Is it because you text everyday, love spending time with them and want to be with them forever? I’ve got news for you, passion dies after a while.
I think about people who are married. Some couples are madly in love, (which I think is a myth because they are like one year in), and some couples are so miserable, (the majority). I have come across so many people who just go through the motions. You sleep next to the same person every night and even though you are thankful to have someone, there is a heavy emptiness in your heart. You literally have EVERYTHING but at the same time you have nothing. I was there. I was engaged twice and had lived with both of them while I was engaged. It’s not worth it. People need their own space to grow and explore.
But what about everyone else who is dying to find love? Thinking about my past and how desperate I used to be is eye-opening. I have FINALLY come to the conclusion that all you really need is a companion. I love my Captain. He makes me feel sexy and desired, and it’s wonderful. I am enjoying the moment because that’s all we really have. I think about people and in terms of forever, all you really need is someone you can count into your old age.
I am looking at my past as I usher in my future. I am quite happy where I am at. People are lonely and want to be held. I completely understand that, but I have been without the physical so long, I have forgotten what it is like. As I have grown older, I have fully accepted my own space, my own company and particularly my own bed. I LOVE being alone in my bed. For some people, that is extremely difficult. They want to find that ever lasting love to sleep next to every night. I have come to the conclusion, throughout my life, that you can also be completely alone sleeping next to someone too. It can be empty, hollow, and completely miserable. Why do people stay together unhappy just to have the image of being happy?
Tonight I was thinking of my past and how I have been chasing something that doesn’t really exist. All you need in life is to be content, and as I approach my future with new opportunities, I am embracing the fact that I am finally okay. The alcoholism has left my life, and the bipolar feels like it is under control.
Finally things are calm and content.
I pray to God it stays that way.