The past few days have been hard. With my mom’s health in jeopardy and my horrible mood swings, I have come to a conclusion. Some people care about you more than others do. Not a new concept, but it’s something I have come to terms with. My friend never reached out to me, (I know he reads my blog), to give me comfort with all I was going through with my mom. I realize he has his own issues, but I think it’s like a dagger in the heart. I was kind of calling out to the universe for love and support, and there was nothing but silence.
I had mentioned it many times before that I was going to walk away from friends that weren’t there for me. I think it’s time I really stick by that. Everyone has trials and tribulations. People have very busy lives, and some people suffer with mental illness and it stops them from reaching out. It’s a hard thing to make friends when you are in a state where you can’t reach out. Sometimes you sink into a real low depression where you can’t get out of it. I understand and I empathize when people go through that, but I am not going to be ignored when I need someone. I had a friend who lived nearby who now avoids me every time she sees me at the clinic, all because she was a shitty friend to me who always broke plans. It’s hard nowadays. People tend to flake on their friends all the time it seems, and it’s almost become the new “norm.” The best thing to do in those situations is to mend your broken heart and move on.
It’s been six days since I have heard from my friend. We used to speak all the time and supported each other when we needed each other. He was a wonderful ear to cry on and he knew me better than even my best friend. I wonder how he is and if he is struggling, most likely he is that’s why he hasn’t reached out to me. I feel selfish in a way because I never thought I would actually walk away from him, and I had tried to walk away before but always went back. I think it’s time I did it though. It’s time to close that chapter in my life. It’s a huge loss for me because we were going to work on a book together on bipolar one and two, and it would have been a great opportunity, but it’s not meant to be. He was also someone I considered like a brother, like close family, so it really hits home.
How does it feel to be abandoned? I am sure the Quiet Man is feeling like that since I walked away. I am sure Azure and the Astronomer feel that way too. I am not innocent in all of this. I have turned my back on almost everyone I have met over the past two years. I am breaking new ground, not looking back at all the back and forth that used to go on. Not looking back at all the days that go by and you wonder to yourself if you were discarded. Nothing stops me from reaching out to them, but after a while, I got tired of reaching out. I got tired of being the one to always extend the olive branch, while they went on with their lives.
My mom got the help she needed today. I had finally given up hope and I broke down and hid from the world and let the bipolar take me over. My dad stepped up and took my mom to the hospital this time, because I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I feel guilty about that because I know she needed me, but I can do only so much when I am struggling myself. Today was the day I realized that it’s time to let go. I wasn’t going to hang around and wonder to myself anymore. Aren’t you tired of being ghosted by people you care about? When does it end? When do your needs matter in friendships? Why are you always the one reaching out? I am not bitter, just sad. I am SO unbelievably thankful to everyone that has crossed my path and made such a difference in my life. I wish things were different. Looks like I don’t have a reason to visit the UK anymore. It’s a shame, I had made some wonderful connections there.
But, it’s time to move on. I feel nostalgic thinking of all the wonderful friends that I have had in my life. But sometimes, it’s better to cut those ties and not look back.
So that’s what I am going to do.
I am breaking new ground and moving on.
It’s scary as hell, but I am doing it.