What does it feel like to want to die? You hear about suicides, even done by the most famous people like Robin Williams and Heath Ledger and you think why? How could they? I mean they have everything right? Is it possible to have everything and still feel death looming in your heart?
I felt a shockwave tonight. Nothing like I have felt in a long time. I was naked, exposed, my secrets out there for the world to see. I won’t go into details, but my sins finally caught up with me. I felt like a demon in God’s eyes, and as the numbness took me over, so did my faith. Then the tears came. Overwhelming sadness like I never felt. I put my best friend and the Captain through hell tonight, and I thought to myself, what would be the big deal if I died tonight? Who would miss me?
It’s funny when people try to understand mental illness. They think “oh you’re just sad” or “oh they just want attention.” I get it. There are people out there who are those things, and they are people who can’t handle the waves of emotions that can cripple a human soul. What I mean is, to feel ultimate sadness, to feel a loss of empathy and respect for yourself, is unlike anything a “normal” person would feel. Battling your mind is the fight of your life, the negative thoughts just pour in like a wave and as the tears come, you are powerless to stop it.
I feel alone in my battle. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in someone’s arms and cry away my sorrow. But why was I in such sorrow? What causes the mind to shift in such a way where you feel like the world would be better off without you? There is deep pain in my heart. Pain that I have buried. I hide in a secret world of sin, with my porn, my men, my aliases, that I think to myself, why would God care about a worthless slag like me? If I ended it, who would give a fuck anyway? I will finally be rid of this Bipolar Hell and it will be all over. Why fight? Why live?
Because in the dark and gray, there can be color. I was reminded of that today. I told the Captain that I wished he never met me that way I could die in peace and crawl away. He told me he would die of a broken heart if I did and all that did was just make me cry more. I wondered about my family and if they would be okay. After they mourned they would be alright, life would go on. Is there anything left for me to do in this world? Big questions. Not enough answers. I am alone tonight, or so I thought. I feel like God has abandoned me because I am so wicked in his eyes. I feel like if I disappear, it wouldn’t really matter, another day will pass and I will just be another grave in a cemetery.
It can’t be that simple. I have been asking myself some big questions because I have the time to. I have the luxury most people don’t. I battle with an illness that sends me in states of utter despair or dangerous euphoria. I am at my end of a totem pole, and really contemplated ending my life. It was a wave of emotion of utter panic and chaos. It’s what makes people swallow all the pills and alcohol, it what’s makes people jump off the chair and hang by the rope. All it takes is that utter surrender, that exquisite ecstasy of peace you hope to have by ending the suffering in your heart. What goes through the mind of someone who is suicidal? An end to the madness. The overwhelming pain that is so heart wrenching that this life can no longer bring you anything anymore, that this is it.
With the pills numbing my emotion, I haven’t heard God’s Voice. I repeat myself time and time again in my posts because I can FEEL the pain, but I can’t feel the love and joy. It escapes me. There is so much love and joy in the world. There is so much in life to experience. I remember there was a time in my life where I felt like conquering it, that I couldn’t wait to get out and experience it. Now I am in a cage. “To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.” Such a statement ripples through my being every time I get up in the morning, or my case midday.
I go nowhere and I do nothing. I spend my days watching TV and on the internet. I have no hobbies or interests. Is that living? If I die now, what is it that I would be missing? I am ungrateful. I have my needs met, and I still can’t get it together. The human condition is that we must always remain in motion. Learning, exploring, becoming something better than ourselves and creating a life with another so we can pass on what we have learned to our children. I am 37 years old with no signs of marriage or children in my future. If I die, it will release the greatest burden on my family so they will no longer feel the guilt of taking care of me out of pity. My fear keeps me here, locked in this cage. The bipolar rages on through me, and no pill can make it go away. I can go to the doctor and say “I am in pain and I need help” What will he do? Write several things on a prescription pad and drug me up so much that I will be an automaton vegetable and will no longer feel human. What a life this is. Logically, death is the healthiest option because I am useless in every other aspect of this life. What a sad thought, one which I am starting to accept and cope with. Such a realization is a dagger in the heart, and as it twists in my chest, my soul aches in pain.
Am I alone? Can God hear me in my darkest hour? I offer you this poem the Captain gave me, to remind me that even in despair, retribution can still be found:
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
If He can find me, he can find you. Maybe we will never understand what leads someone to suicide. But we sure know what it feels like to be driven there. If I can find hope, even in my mundane life where I have no movement, you can live too.
You are never alone.