Ever stop and think, what am I doing right now? At this point in time, are you where you should be in life? Or who made up the rules that says where you should be? The twists and turns have led you to this place, and even though you may not be happy with the outcome, something has brought you here, reading my words right now.
I failed big time today. I slept through the Civil Service test I was supposed to take. Through my bipolar mania, I had stayed up for nearly 48 hours the day before, thinking that I could make up all the missed rest in one night. Nope, no dice. I woke up at a decent time to get ready and go take the test, but when I got up to stand, my legs were wobbly and I couldn’t keep my balance. I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and said fuck it and went back to bed. I missed the test. I missed meeting my parents at our new house too. Everyone was waiting for me as I slept the world away.
The Seroquel helps. I can’t deny it. My psychiatrist had offered to put me back on the Haldol I was on for ten years prior, but you know what? I ended up in the hospital anyway, even being on that drug. Honestly, my heights of mania aren’t what they were. The Seroquel has brought me down to reality, and although it has robbed me of certain feelings and emotions, I think I am better off. I need to get myself together though, and even though the pills are doing their job, I can’t sleep my life away.
I lost a small battle today, and as much of a failure as I feel, I think I am winning the war. I am no longer searching. My nights aren’t filled searching for the one to complete me anymore. I am finally content in life, and even though I have my moments where I feel hopeless, those feelings pass and I am back in reality.
Being bipolar is so fucking hard. Pills do what they can, but when your brain is so set to do one thing, be a certain way, act a certain way, your body just gives in and surrenders to it. I could easily get more medicine, drown out my feelings, but that means I won’t be able to LIVE, and after that happens then I just might as well die. I want to try to fix things, but I know medicine isn’t the answer. Then what is? I am thinking of asking my doctor to calm down the Seroquel and take Melatonin to help me sleep. Will that work? Or will I be more of a zombie? I hate this trial and error shit, but I feel like I am left with no choice. Sleep hygiene is so important to a troubled mind, and I know I have to get it right.
Tonight I called the Captain a pig. It was screwed up for me to say that, but he needed to jerk off so badly and I think that’s fallen on my shoulders. He can’t seem to orgasm without me anymore, he said he has tried on his own, but just can’t make it happen and it is starting to scare him. As a man, I think it would be scary. Hell, as a woman it is. I had my orgasm tonight, and he hasn’t had his for days, (no I didn’t help him cum tonight). It bothers me though that he would come to depend on me for that. I can’t help but feel a twinge of flattery in the back of my mind knowing that I am SO good, that he can’t cum without me. I can understand where he is coming from though, because usually when I reach heights of ecstasy that can’t be matched, the usual porn and erotica doesn’t do it anymore. I wish I knew what to suggest to him to use for satisfaction, but honestly, I really don’t feel like having that conversation. I give him credit though, most men in his situation would have forced their dick on me, and he didn’t, so I am glad and relieved for that.
I don’t know. Things are in place but out-of-place. I am a glutton for punishment because I signed up and paid for ANOTHER Civil Service test in January, but this one I am going to make an effort for because it is in my county, where as the other one was more in the city and the traffic alone would have been torment. My family is also moving, and I have to unclutter and pack up my life and move again, and I really don’t want to. Luckily this time they bought a much larger house than the one they bought before, (that we were supposed to move in), so at least everyone is happier. That last house they ended up just flipping which gave them a huge profit, so they found a much bigger, nicer house. Things are also going very well with the Captain, despite my pig comment, (which I plan on apologizing some more for), and I have cut out everything else in my life. All my chats and sites, even Skype is gone. Every contact I ever had I no longer have a need for, and I can understand how people feel when they are in the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship. I hate it when people get so consumed in their other half that they cut everyone else out, and I am a total hypocrite because, essentially, I have done the same thing.
Oh well, one day at a time. I may have screwed up with missing this test, but I won’t beat myself up over spilled milk. Usually I would do a number on myself, but whipping myself won’t do anyone any good. I need to work on my sleep and my insomnia, and learn ways to quiet my mind. Sleep is so hard for an active mind, and I pray to God I can get it under control to rejoin society.
There has to be more to life than this.
We will see.