Have you ever watched someone you care about go down a road of pain because they wouldn’t listen to you? Wouldn’t listen to anyone, not even a doctor? It is the toughest thing in the world to go through, especially when it’s your mother.
I got really upset this morning. I had stayed up all night because it was the only way I could take my mom for her blood tests this morning. She complained that she didn’t feel well and needed to eat, even though her bloodwork paper said she didn’t need to fast. But as usual she won’t listen. I have been taking her everywhere for the past month, trying to get to the bottom of whatever is happening to her. It is very difficult when you can’t pinpoint the problem. I have been impatient yes, because being bipolar, I have more than my own difficulties keeping it together. But the trooper that I am, I have found all the doctors, made all the appointments and did everything a daughter could do to help her mother.
We have been to the Emergency Room a total of four times this month and they kept saying the same thing. Go see the Gastroenterologist. I searched all over for a Gastroenterologist, took her to his office, and she tells him that she was dizzy all the time, so being confused, he sent her for a bunch of neurological exams. Come to find out she has high blood pressure and was not taking her blood pressure medication, so of course that’s why she was dizzy. The problem is that every time she ate something she would get very sick and shaky, meaning something was going on in her stomach. While making and going to all the appointments for all these neurological tests, she is very sick and wanted to go back to Emergency Room a FIFTH time. Watching this madness unfold, I pushed the Gastroenterologist to do an endoscopy, (which she ended up blaming me for because I pushed for it), and they found nothing. The doctor wanted to do a colonoscopy next to pinpoint why she is having such a reaction every time she eats.
She doesn’t want to do the colonoscopy. You have can’t eat for almost 12 hours and you have to clean out your system for the test. She says the test will kill her and refuses to take it, and now miraculously she says she is fine and that nothing is wrong with her.
I am at the end of my rope. My mother has put my family through hell for the past month with all the Emergency Room visits (with them telling us the same fucking thing about going to the Gastroenterologist over and over and she can’t get it in her head), and NOW I am the bad guy in my house because I am pushing for the colonoscopy. I just want to see my Mom feel better, and I can’t do that when she is self-diagnosing herself.
As much as I hate to do this to my mother, I have to let her be till she has another one of these “attacks.” Then my Dad will take her to the Emergency Room for the FIFTH time and they will probably tell her that she needs the colonoscopy. I have to sit back and do nothing and watch her hang herself. I am not getting involved anymore. I overheard her bad talking about me to my Dad, telling him that I was “crazy” and she doesn’t want me taking her anywhere anymore. This is what I get for taking her to the Emergency Room all those times, finding all these doctors, making all these appointments, taking her to all these places, and trying to help. I have bipolar, yes, and I had a major breakdown the other day because I almost couldn’t get to my therapist. I hadn’t seen him in a month, and I needed to get a lot of this off my chest. Since I am bipolar, I am now “crazy” and have somehow become useless and “evil” to my mom even after all that I did. I am in tears. When you have bipolar it is hard enough, but when your family uses it against you because you are fighting to do the right thing, it hurts so fucking badly.
My Dad is alive and kicking. I was taking care of my Mom so he wouldn’t have the burden on his shoulders because he is working on our new house on his own. But I have to step back. I have to step back and let her suffer and let her get really sick again. Now my Dad is going to have to step in and be there for his wife. I am too “crazy” according to my Mom. I did all that planning and research, made all the appointments and sacrifice, drove her everywhere, and now I am “crazy” because I want her to take a test that will probably get to the bottom of what’s wrong with her.
The stigma of bipolar is so hurtful, especially when your family uses it against you, when all you are trying to do is do the right thing. I feel so small and defeated. But all I can do is step back. Step back and watch everything blow up. This is worse than watching a train plow right into a mountain. You’re watching but you’re absolutely powerless to stop it. I did all I can for my family, but apparently I am “crazy” so all I did for her this month means nothing to them. I’m so hurt, and I am just going to cry myself to sleep.
The worst feeling in the world is when your own family uses your bipolar against you, to justify why I am not capable of making the right decisions, when all I am trying to do is the right thing. I might as well be a leper.
My mother will find out the hard way, get really sick again, and I will have to just sit back and let it happen because according to her, I am too “crazy” to be useful to anyone.
God help me.