Why did you start your blog? What brought you here to WordPress? Do you sometimes lurk on tags and just read other blogger’s posts? Is blogging the best thing to happen to the writing industry in the past 20 years? I have started asking myself these questions while I was reflecting this morning, right before I was about to write this post.
Over the past month, I have been posting a lot. I have been dealing with my mom’s failing health, my bipolar struggles, and my new relationship and the issues with my anger. Today as I sat down, I realized that I didn’t really have that much to say tonight, but I wanted to write anyway.
Over the years, blogging has exploded on the writing scene. Almost anyone who is interested in writing, or loved having a journal, has started one. I have had three blogs, (this being the third and final one), which I hope to keep for many years. My first one was WILDLY popular. I was so full of angst and bipolar madness, that everyone wanted a peek into my trainwreck of a life. People either love it or hate it, but mostly they read it because they can relate to it. I read a lot of bipolar blogs for that reason. Anyway, my first blog topped out at 400 followers, but WordPress is a sneaky bastard because if you drop the “f-bomb” on too many of your posts, they secretly pull your blog from showing up in the tags that you assign it, and label it as “mature.” I was outraged by this, and pleaded with them that I would stop with my foul language, but once they slap that mature label, that’s it. I was horrified that I had to start all over with a different blog and leave all my followers behind, but as they say, back to the drawing board.
I thought I had it all figured out by my second blog, curbed my foul language, and gained another 350 followers. But I made another severe mistake. I shared my blog with people I was dating or involved with, and anything I wrote about was under a microscope. I was getting comments and being stalked on my social media for expressing myself. It was another form of censorship forced upon me, like WordPress had done with my previous blog. Again, live and learn.
So now it’s round three. I have dropped the f-bomb a few times on this blog, but I haven’t gotten into trouble yet. I haven’t shared this blog with anyone I know, (except my bipolar friend who I don’t hear from anymore, so I don’t even know if he is reading). So, all in all, I have learned my lessons when it comes to blogging. The only thing is, I lost the 750 followers I had accumulated over the 5 previous years of blogging. I mean I love blogging, but secretly, how many of us get a little boost of recognition when we get a “like?” Anyway, I have started from scratch again this year, and I hope that I can continue to share my story with others.
Things with the Captain have improved greatly, and I think I can finally say I am in a healthy relationship where I am not running to the alcohol bottle, or searching for men to fill the void left over all over the internet or dating sites. I have always been insatiable, needing more than one man to sustain me intellecutally and sexually, but the Captain fulfills all my needs. That is very rare for me, but we will see how long that lasts. Over the years I had become fully aware that monogamy wasn’t for me, and that it would always take more than one man to sustain me. I have been pleasantly surprised to have my beliefs tested this way, because more than one man can be exhausting. Time will have to tell with the Captain.
My mom is worrying me though, because she is in really bad shape now. She was in tears yesterday, telling me how horrible she feels because she had used my mental illness against me. (She said I was crazy and bipolar and didn’t want me helping her anymore). She now knows she has to take all the tests to get to the bottom of what is making her feel so sick, even if she is scared to take some of them. I prayed for her tonight, as I smoked a cigarette out on my deck, (another habit that I am reconsidering because my chest is starting to hurt). God, the last thing I need is lung cancer.
As for the bipolar, I have to say I am on the right track. The Seroquel and Klonopin are doing their job, although I still need an extra hit of Melatonin to finally knock my manic mind out so I can rest. I am finally sleeping 8-10 hours and not staying up for two days straight anymore. The only bad thing is it’s the wrong 8-10 hours. I am on a total reverse schedule because I have completely embraced being a nightowl. I know this is going to bite me in the ass because I will have to go back to work soon, but for now, I am grateful that I am stable and I am able to function without everything being so dramatic.
Anyway, I have to say that blogging has been the ULTIMATE therapy for me. I never realized how good I feel after I write down all of my emotions and all of the nonsense that goes on in my head. I had always kept a journal when growing up, and now that I can share it with the world, I feel blessed that people take an interest in what I have to say. There are so many points in life where we sometimes feel we don’t have a voice, no one cares how we feel and what we are going through, or no one is listening. Blogging has taught me that not only are people listening, they care and can relate to your voice.
So to all you bloggers out there, keep on writing!
Reading your stories has enriched my life and has encouraged me to continue to share mine.
Thank you for being with me through the good and bad times.