So Christmas is almost here and NYC is absolute crazy with shoppers. I love this city, especially at Christmastime, but sometimes it’s like the 5th dimension of Hell opened up. How are you guys celebrating this year? I feel like this year will be extra special for me. My whole bipolar world seems to be so bright that I actually am starting to feel like myself again. I may even ask my doctor to up the Seroquel so I can get a good amount of sleep. Right now I am giving my meds a kick with a pill of Melatonin to get me to sleep and last night I took some Benadryl for an oncoming cold that really knocked me out. I was so tired and drugged up I couldn’t even sleep! It was really weird being so loopy. I would love to be able to sleep naturally, but for a manic mind that doesn’t really seem to happen.
This has been an amazing time in my life. Today for the first time in months, I got my nails done. I also got my eyebrows threaded after months of neglecting them, can you say Frida’s unibrow? Ugh. I really let myself go, but I am working on that. I really have been feeling good lately, something the Haldol meds wasn’t able to do. I have had issues during the past several years of ups and downs and overall bipolar craziness, and now it seems like I finally found the miracle drug cocktail. The only thing is, I feel an Ambien-like hangover when waking up. Waking up is EXTRA hard. I feel like there is a fog around my head and one time I had a feeling I was going to fall over which seemed as if it was Vertigo. Other than that, I am 100% fully functional, and if I play my cards right, I may actually start working again after I move to my new house. I just need to make sure this “hangover” issue in the morning works itself out.
But on a good note, this Christmas feels like it will be better than all the rest. I have been battling with so much shit in my own head for which feels like years, and now everything has come together. I never realized how much of my time I spent searching and searching for someone to complete me. Now that I have the Captain, not only am I complete, but I don’t need constant connection. There is a disconnect somewhere with people who need to constantly be in contact with others. What happened to alone time? I know there are a lot of introverts out there, but why does everyone feel so lonely? In my youth there was no internet, and other than playing with the neighborhood kids from time to time, I was mostly on my own. And I couldn’t be happier. I often ask myself if today’s culture has been so consumed by the internet and gaming that they have forgotton to be on their own. Also, it seems that more and more people have social anxiety and awkwardness around people. How did that happen? Why is it that so many people don’t really know how to interact with others? Maybe this Christmas it would be a nice idea to strike up a few random conversations with some strangers, (if you are struggling with being social or even if you’re not). To be honest, I think a lot of it is fear. Fear that someone will think you are weird or whatever. My first job was a greeter at the Gap. I had no fear or shame in talking to strangers. As a young child, I used to speak in front of large groups of people when I participated in National Storytelling contest all through grade school. But you know what’s funny? I am not even an extrovert, even though I am very social and outgoing. I don’t even know if it’s the bipolar that always made me so fearless, so now I am wondering if I should treat it as a gift.
Anyway, for those of you spending Christmas with family, or even alone and you are struggling with your mental illness, remember that what you are feeling passes. I know this because for years I was running around like a mad woman and chasing after empty dreams. One thing I do suggest though is if you are uncomfortable with your doctor you should change them. Changing psychiatrists was the best present I gave myself this year. He totally changed my life and my bipolar world got completely turned upside down into a functional world. Take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Turn off the Netflix and go outside even if it’s for ten minutes. I was never able to appreciate life until now, and even though I still have my screwed up moments, I am so much more stable than I used to be.
Cheers to being a bipolar survivor. There is hope at the end of that tunnel.
Cheers to new beginnings and most of all Merry Christmas (not stupid Happy Holidays).