It was a good Christmas, it really was. Lots of fun with presents, oohs, and ahhs, and happy faces. But what happens when you don’t feel anything? I don’t know where it comes from, or even if it’s within my relationships, but I had an absence of feeling tonight, and it was very disturbing to me. I hurt the Captain, which I didn’t mean to do, but it somehow happened.
I had been a weird place of emotion during the day. After present opening with the family, I retreated into my room to rest a bit, fool around on the internet, and spend time with my best friend via phone. I ordered the tickets to “The Last Jedi’ and he is coming to see me Wednesday, which already sends my heart fluttering even though we haven’t been an actual “couple” in years. After we got off the phone, I was flipping through the channels a bit and realized I was not interested in going to see my usual Twitter friends tonight and hang out and watch Star Trek.
I have been feeling indifferent lately. I don’t know if it’s the meds or if I just don’t have any feeling anymore. I think it’s just me. I think I used up all the love for the Captain and I just don’t give a shit anymore. Can I be that heartless? What is wrong with me? I don’t even think I can blame bipolar for this one, or even the fact that I might be falling into a depression. All I know is, I entered a relationship with a man who is in physical pain most of the time, gets off when he needs to, and I just don’t care anymore. He did used to make me feel wonderful though, and unbelievably desired, but is that all I have become? Just a sex object? I refuse to believe I have fallen into this trap again, but it seems to be the same trap I keep falling in with all the men I have gone through these past few years.
I have therapy tomorrow, and it may help. Things have been going so wonderfully lately, that I didn’t think feeling empty in my relationship would hit me so hard. I upset him, I know I did, but I can’t help that I don’t really care about “us” that much anymore. I definitely don’t want to go back to that dead-end search for “Mr. Right” as so many women do, but I feel like I…..like I can’t FEEL anymore.
With the absence of the mania, I have lost a part of myself, and my passion, in what made me who I was. I know the Seroquel is doing its job, but is there a correlation to the absence with the connection to my spirituality and my love for the Captain? I watched the Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, and even though I felt part of myself connecting with my higher power, I wasn’t completely convinced. Something was missing.
As this Christmas ends, I feel like I lost my spirit and my connection to God is lost, which is what I have been saying for a long time. I know it’s the meds that’s keeping my mania at bay and not letting me fall over the edge, but is it also stopping my ability to love? How is that possible? I am scared, indifferent and confused. Most of all, the guilt is settling in on how much I hurt the man who loves me dearly.
How is it that I have it all now and suddenly I am throwing it all away?
Is that part of the human condition, or just my new bipolar numb personality?
So many questions, with so little answers.
I guess time will tell.