Have you ever just thrown yourself a pity party? I mean just really reveled in it. Like, there is really no reason for it, almost to the point where you would consider yourself a spoiled brat even, but yet you do it. I don’t even think I am even doing this to myself for attention, because I am not posting any “poor me” posts anywhere or even reaching to anyone with sad texts and voicemails. I am basically sitting here, feeling so sorry for myself and basically twisting the blade into my own chest, with no one witnessing it.
I know I am doing wrong. I know this is my own personal Hell I am creating, and honestly I don’t have a damn thing to be sad about. I may not be rich, famous, or even gorgeous, but I have a really good life. Is it just a human defect that we all have, that we just can’t be fucking happy with life? Not everything is shit, I mean, people always say that life is not all butterflies and rainbows, but why do people beat the hell out of themselves for what seems like no reason? As I am doing my own personal self-reflection, I am becoming really angry with myself. I refuse to just say, “well that’s just being bipolar.” Fuck that. Too many people use their mental illness as a copout. Look, don’t get me wrong, dealing with mental illness is so damn hard, trust me I know, but should we all just blame everything on that?
I feel deep pain and I don’t know where it is coming from. My usual routine of beautifying myself and treating myself went out the window today after I woke up from 12 hours of sleep, (actually just 9 hours, the last 3 was just me trying to hide under the covers from life). I don’t even have the strength or courage to eat, even though I know I should, and I feel hungry. Why is it that we do this? I know I am wrong, but I am doing it anyway. I feel like I need to get up and slap myself a few times to get my head on right. If I was in the army, the drill sergeant would have a field day with me. “Get off your damn ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ungrateful lazy maggot!!!” I can hear my inner voice just screaming that at me.
Why is it we torture ourselves, when things could be so much worse? Why can’t we see all the good? Why is it that when we see the most beautiful serene picture, all we focus on is the tiny blemish that may or may not even be there? I love the saying, “we make a mountain out of a molehill,” that just seems to fit what I am feeling.
I don’t profess to know why people do what they do. Why some people just can’t let go of that bad relationship, or find themselves drinking themselves into oblivion. As humans, I think we go out of our way to destroy ourselves. We seek “highs” in any form we can get them, and even when things are going good for us, we just can’t be fucking happy.
I don’t think what I am going through has anything to do with me being bipolar. I think it is just me being human and dealing with “life on life’s terms,” (a saying that my therapist told me was his favorite).
Whatever you are struggling with this New Years, try to leave that shit in 2017. One of the things I am going to have to learn for the future, is to stop being such a damn coward. My life is full of a million treasures, I just wish to God I knew how to enjoy them.
Cheers to being thankful and to stop being miserable.
We make our own Hell, far worse than what other people can do to us.
The only resolution I have is to stop beating myself up so much. There is no one holding the knife in my chest, so why I am twisting it deeper and deeper in my heart for no reason?
I wish you all kind thoughts and wisdom to love yourselves for 2018, (saving some for myself as well).