We have all been there right? We live in a society of what seems like a mountain of dopamine hits from social media and an obsession with instant gratification, so it only made sense that I began to fall in a hole of complete ungratefulness in my relationship. Things have been hard for me. I have been battling what seems like a shitstorm of bipolar mood swings and I have been hurting everyone around me.
Earlier today, I received a message from the Captain that he wanted to break things off with me because of all the suffering he has been through in our relationship. I am not going to sit here and say that it wasn’t my fault, or that I haven’t been distant, but I know for a fact that I have been taking him for granted. Like most people who are arrogant enough to think that their partner is “on the hook” or no one else will want them but you, I fell in a trap of not appreciating what I had. I saw myself intentionally back in the same old chat sites searching for a “hit” or a rush of meeting someone new, and blatantly ignoring the Captain and spending less time with him. I admit it, I got bored, and when the New Year was approaching, I found myself being completely irrational and picking fights and just making the Captain absolutely miserable.
Fighting mental illness is tough, but honestly, it’s no excuse to be an asshole and treat people like shit. I hold a lot of guilt in my heart for putting him through so much pain, but as much as I would like to say “bipolar did this,” I am going to be honest with myself and admit that I was really getting bored in the relationship and I was sabotaging what I had. It happens more often these days. Marriages end, relationships end, all because people are just not happy with what they have. The fact of the matter is, we spend so much time searching and searching and when we find it, and you come to a point of comfort, you start to take what you have for granted.
This man has treated me better than anyone I have ever known. We are very much in the same place in life, and we understand each other very well. He is very loyal and chivalrous and makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I am spoiled rotten. When I sit down and think of the countless men that have trampled all over my heart the past few years, I somehow thought I was owed a good man to come along. And what happens when he does? I nearly destroy him and our relationship.
Being bipolar means living in the fast lane. Our mania makes us insatiable and our depression makes us unreachable. Loving someone with bipolar is extra difficult, because you never know which way we will swing. I learned a hard lesson through all of this. I am stubborn, petty, and I always want my way. The lesson learned here is that I can’t bully someone into seeing things my way and if I want a relationship to work I can’t guilt them into my view, so I must learn compromise.
I refused to walk away from our relationship, and I am lucky that the Captain was kind enough to hang in there and give me a second chance. I have to stop whipping him constantly with my mood swings and try my best to be more aware that I am dealing with another human being’s emotions and it isn’t all about “ME” and my mental illness.
I started this New Year off with a slap right into reality, and I think it’s just what I needed.
If you are in a relationship and they love you and you love them, remember what you have and appreciate them, because if you lose them, it might be the greatest mistake of your life.
Thank God I have such an understanding man.
Let’s hope I don’t fuck it up before the year ends.