How to Rebuild Your Life, After You’ve Lost the Cosmic Connection

cosmic connection

There comes a moment in time when life slows down. You have always been running around from moment to moment, and suddenly when things settle, you realize years have passed and you have nothing to show for it. I had such a realization this evening, as I just sat and just stared into space while my car was running.

14 years have passed since I actually had a full-time job and somewhat of a career. At a young age, I was driven, determined, and oh so ambitious. I attribute a lot of my success to my mania, (the euphoric state of my bipolar illness). My mania got me through a lot; it helped push me and gave me interstellar confidence.  However the fallout of mania is the Catch 22. There is no real way to harness mania, and use it for all it’s good qualities. Once you go down that path of psychedelic bliss, there is no turning back, and you end up either in a psych ward, jail, or someone’s bed you had no business being in. You also end up with a mountain of debt, because while in a manic state of mind, you end up spending money like you’re a Rockstar.

As I sat in my car this evening, I realized that I will be two years closer to 40 this year. I was frozen in fear, with my hands on the steering wheel, and the tears started flowing. It was at that moment I said a silent prayer, trying to connect to that place which is so lost to me now. My mania is completely gone, and I am having a really hard time adjusting to that. When I was at my psychiatrist appointment today, it dawned on me that I had no complaints to report; I am stable and functioning properly, and it fucking sucks. People with bipolar go through so much, and they look to mountains of medication to fix the problem, (I know because I have), but what happens when they actually work? So many people would argue, that its great and I shouldn’t complain about it, but I feel like I have lost an entire part of myself.

My mania was my drive. Yeah, it drove me nuts and I made bad decisions, but the complete absence of it makes me feel like I have lost my cosmic connection. Doctors would argue that my spiritual and universal experiences were all in my head, but nothing, not even an orgasm, can compare to what it’s like to have the epiphanies you have when you are manic. You don’t even notice it, but suddenly everything connects and things make sense that never did before.

The bottom line is, I am a fully functional bipolar survivor that’s ready to rejoin society, and it totally sucks. I will become a drone, work a 9 to 5 to retirement, and eventually be just another plot at a cemetery. All my magnificent experiences are gone. I feel like my soul has been taken from me. I don’t even have a husband or kids to leave my legacy too.

As I sat in my car I thought about those all those years. Those years in which I chased all those men, spent money I didn’t have, and basically wasted most of my existence on a bipolar rollercoaster. A lot doesn’t matter now. A lot of things that used to drive me seem infinitesimal. Being a human being used to be such a wondrous thing to me. The magnificence of my brilliant, inspirational mind seems dulled, and beaten down by medication.

The mania, which had been my exquisite poison, is now absent, and has left a hole in my marvelous brain. I wanted to start the endeavor of writing again, because I think through my words I can capture what is lost, and express myself though the magic of literature. Though my words I can find my voice and enrich the part of my soul that I feel has been taken from me.

I will find myself again through connections too. As I sat in my car, I fished out an old friend’s telephone number my therapist had passed on to me. I met her 11 years ago, when I first moved to Long Island and was hospitalized because of a manic episode. We had reconnected here and there over the years, and we even attempted college at the same time. But much like me, her mania took her so many places, and she ended up disappearing for long periods of time. She’s back now, and I am going to try to meet up with her for coffee next week.

Without the keys to the universe, I am just an ordinary human being in the world. My mania was a gift while it lasted, and I experienced things way beyond mortal understanding. Now that it’s gone, I have to live the rest of my life just like everyone else.

I guess that’s not such a bad thing right?

Life on life’s terms, and all part of a new beginning.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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10 Responses to How to Rebuild Your Life, After You’ve Lost the Cosmic Connection

  1. Revenge of Eve says:

    I totally relate!! I have been saying I feel a loss of self since I’ve been medicated

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amal Suresh says:

    It was what it was, it is what it is. Life is in front of yu. Fuckin own it.✌
    This is the only motto that keeps me goin. I understand how difficult it is to lose smthng that no1 can understand but only yu. But now, that moment has passed. Its time to bring in new experiences.
    Cheers for the time ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. yTheCharm says:

    Your words have touched me. I hadn’t considered what would be left if the magnificence was gone. Crushed. Removed. Then to have to learn to pick up life and move forward after being robbed of everyone else ‘s normal years to only see emptiness in yours. Where one there was drive and determination and pride in work and knowing you must now live with the absence of. Just absence of.

    I’m still living my bad choices and occasional euphoria. Up and down. Hot or cold. Black or white

    I wonder what life is like in gray ?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am deeply honored that my words have touched you in such a way. Your words have touched me deeply too, and it reminded me of something which can accurately describe what is left, now that there is this absence that I live with. What is life like in gray you ask? This Tolkien quote immediately came to mind when I read your comment:

      “And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death, an image of the splendor of the kings of men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt. As nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell, bound to your grief, under the fading trees, until all the world has changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. Arwen…there is nothing for you here, only death.”

      For me, my Aragorn is that bliss, that euphoria that I once had. Now that he is gone, there is an emptiness so profound, it almost feels like I am walking through life now as a shadow of the person I once was.

      Thank you for reaching out and hearing and feeling what I had to say. It means the world to me.

      Like

  4. Beautiful article and beautifully written.
    I totally felt and feel what you wrote. I miss some part of mania too as it is a wonderful but dangerous state to be in. Without mania I felt like a vegetable, therefore, I asked to change my meds at my own risks. So far so good as I regained some of my creativity and no disaster yet.
    The most amazing thing about your article is your mention of cosmic forces. I have been searching all my life for some sort of spirituality without any success but at night pray to the universe and the cosmic forces using the exact same words.
    Thank you for looking at my blog, I just started, it’s a bit messy but will get better. Also, I have quite a large number of writings and articles which I’ll be posting. The wording will a bit more simplistic than yours as my targeted audience in essentially in Switzerland and France.
    All the best
    Lawrence

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. I would love to change my meds again, but I know if I become manic again, I will ruin all the progress I have made. That cosmic connection is orgasmic, and it is much sought after. Many people use narcotics and drugs to get there, where a bipolar can just as easily get there just by not taking their medication. There is no way to harness it, or control it, and because it’s so dangerous, I am thankful that it is out of my life, although a large part of me feels like it is gone.

      I did look at your blog and it was very well written, even though you said it was a bit messy. I enjoyed reading it and your insight into the bipolar mind. Keep posting like you are. I am sure your words will be seen by many the way mine have.

      Thank you again, for loving my work. I try my best to relate to those like me. People with bipolar really need to stick together in this fight, because no one understands us the way we do.

      All the best.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I apologize for my late reply. As this is all new to me and I’m still learning and discovering the new world of blogging.

        Thank you so very much for your kinds words and encouragement. It was very touching.

        Your work is simply beautiful. I enjoy it a lot and your site in gorgeous

        I was told by many people who care for me to write about bipolars. To share my experiences and opinions on the illness as they may help somebody and feed me with positive vibes. Here, in France where I live, and Switzerland , we are ostracized and prevented from having a “normal life” Therefore, I took upon myself to be vocal about it and raise issues in order to break these stigmas which are blocking us from evolving.
        And like you said we need to stick together and fight. We are very special people and nobody can understand and feel what we experience.

        All my very best and looking forward to read your next article.

        Like

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