Evolution. As Times Change, We Change With the Times.

times changhe

So we have come to a point in time where the world is in constant flux. In your day to day life, do you feel that times are changing? Maybe even rapidly? The argument can be made that times have ALWAYS been changing, but I think the last two years have proven to be somewhat dramatic when it comes to change, in the world and in my life personally.

I haven’t written in a while, and that’s because I feel like I have no time. I am battling terrible insomnia and a crazy sleep schedule which makes me terrified about my upcoming Civil Service Test that I have to take at 9am on Saturday morning. How in the hell am I going to get up for that? I drug myself so much to get to sleep, and then lie in bed wide awake. Hours just pass and pass, and then I FINALLY get to sleep by the time the sun comes up, which in turn I end up waking up well past 5pm. It beyond sucks.

I missed taking my mom to her doctor’s appointment, and even though she has been doing well since the scare she gave the family a month ago, she has both an abnormal result in her pap smear, and a lump on her breast that needs to be checked out. This SCREAMS cancer to me, and after all we have been through, I really don’t think I can take her really getting sick right now, but all signs are pointing to that.

The new house renovation is coming along slowly, but with this goddamn sleep pattern of mine, I am unable to wake up in time to help my father out at the house. This just leaves my fragile mother to help him, which makes me feel so guilty that I kick myself every time I wake up in the evening, and the whole day has gone by.

I have a sickness. I have an addiction and oh, its no good. My mania has been calm, but my bipolar mind is far from at rest. I bought a bottle of Honey Jack Daniels last week, and have been slowly taking sips and shots in the late evening. It feels like a slippery slope, and to be honest, this week has been totally shitty with tons of bad luck. I don’t want to run to alcohol again, but the urge to put the liquor to my lips has been very strong. The sickness that I have is an internet addiction though, when it really comes down to it.

After a nice long chat with my best friend watching Mad Men, (which is so awesome, love me some Don Draper), and spending time with my Star Trek buddies and the Captain, it suddenly becomes 1am. After that, it’s an empty porn session, followed by opening a browser and getting lost on the internet for countless hours. It is absolutely appalling what I am doing to myself, and I can scream all I want about how I want to get to bed on time, but I never do. And when I do, and I force myself in bed at 2am, my eyes are wide open till 7am anyway, so I might as well be at my computer. It feels like I am losing a battle that seems bottomless, with no end in sight.

I did however, stand up for myself the other night. I have been peeking in the chats lately, and The Literary seems to have found me again. He is a notorious ghoster, and I think I let him know I had enough. I gave him my email during our last chat, he never emailed, and I shrugged it off. He found me in the chat a few days later, and expected me to be the same ole desperate woman he was used to playing this ridiculous game with, but I wasn’t having it. I said my goodbyes, that was it, and I felt very empowered. That ghosting shit has been literally “haunting” me for years, and not just from him, but from most men in general.

On a brighter note, I have been exchanging emails with an old friend named Kurio, I met on a Sex Forum of all places, sometime last year. Although I have quite the sexual appetite, I think it has to be done with class, finesse and style; not “hey baby, check this out,” and then BOOM! Dick pic. Anyway, Kurio is a fantastic writer, and I love the work he has done on Literotica, which is a fantastic site if you are a lover of erotic literature. He and I exchanged many emails, and we even got hot and heavy, but I was in a desperate place when I knew him. He didn’t want to go beyond an email exchange to other platforms, (Skype, KIK, WhatsApp), and I pushed really hard, but he wasn’t budging, so our emails dwindled into a sad goodbye. Months went by, then over Christmas, he reached out and wished me a merry one, and we went forward from there and have been in contact ever since.

The guy I met on Reddit though? He vanished. Apparently he didn’t like my opinions on the weather. (I asked him if we should ask Al Gore what he thought of the recent cold weather, you know, when he’s not flying around in his HUGE jet and driving around in all his SUVs). I don’t think he liked that at all. I know people who are Liberal and believe in Climate Change think that they are open-minded, but honestly, if you can’t take a joke, (which states the fuckin’ truth), you’re a goddamn idiot.

Anyway, in other news, my quest for a writing partner finally came to a successful ending as I found one on a PG roleplaying site. I think going to Adult Roleplaying sites is where I was getting the most frustrated. I know it is stupid to think I could find a writer who wanted a story with minimal sex on an Adult Roleplaying site, but I wanted to try anyway. I was avoiding the PG site, because there are nothing but kids there and I really wanted a mature writer, but I quickly found out that kids weren’t the issue. I had a TON of competition because there were TONS of women on there. Apparently, this is where all the women roleplayers went to hide to find a partner; I am sure the amount of creeps posing as writers on those other sites is what drove them there.

I did find my collaborator though, and to my dismay, he is very young. I am guessing mid 20s, but he didn’t disclose his age because he was afraid I would judge him, based on me stating my age and my search for a mature writer. I can’t say that I blame him, because when I went through countless request threads, I purposely skipped over anyone under 30, which ended up being 90% of the site. His request thread was witty and funny, and didn’t have his age on it, so I sent him a message. I know if his age was there I would have skipped it, and if he told me his age in his response message, I definitely would have skipped it. But his sharp wit and humor reeled me in, and we are going to begin our adventure soon, as soon as we knock out some details.

So all in all, things are good, even though I am totally messed up over this sleeping schedule, my bipolar manic mind, and of course my addictions; to the internet, (totally out of control), and alcohol, (which is slowly getting worse). I need to find balance, and I need to find it soon. i don’t want to be on disability forever, so I need to make sure I wake up to take this Civil Service Test, and get my life going.

Insomnia is the worst thing ever, and compounded with bipolar it seems beyond fixable. I know I can do it though. I have evolved so much in the past two years, as well as the rest of the world. If Trump can be president, Oprah may run, and Hollywood Powerhouses can be taken down, (thanks #MeToo), anything is possible.

Oh by the way, did anyone see the new Catfish episode that aired last night? I think it was the weirdest one I had ever seen! Not only was the girl looking for the Catfish TOTALLY unstable, but she tried to hide her kid from the guy she was talking to online. WORST MOTHER EVER!! And at the end in the recap she was taking online classes to become a Surgeon? I don’t know, I think I may not be the only one who needs her crazy pills tonight.

Stay tuned.


About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s