Have you ever let someone get under your skin? I am so unbelievably guilty of doing this. It could be just a comment, or even something stupid like a rejected credit card application, (which happened recently), but I let other people and their crap roll around in my brain, giving them much more power over me than they should.
I had a good night tonight. Key word being “had” since it is now almost 7am, I am not asleep and I am letting other people’s shit fester in my brain.
I am almost at the end of watching Mad Men on Netflix, which has been a wonderful ride through the eyes of Donald Draper, played by Jon Hamm, who should have won every year at the Emmys since the show started. He won only one at the end, so there’s at least that. Anyway, after that, I spent a wonderful evening with the Captain and my Star Trek buddies, as the night came to a close.
Then the bomb dropped. Facebook. Can someone PLEASE tell me why I got myself sucked into this evil pit of despair again? Somehow, someway, this became my addiction again, because I ended reconnecting with a lot of the friends I left behind since my last hospitalization, and honestly, it was good fun seeing their posts. I also really got into Nicole Arbour – Best Online Personality Ever because she is one of the most honest people on the internet today, and also funny as hell.
Anyway, the reason for my disgust with myself is that I didn’t clean out my list of some of the douchebags that I had left in my Friends List. I was aware of them when I had re-activated my account, BUT I figured, its been over 2 years since I have been on here, so I assume people are adults and have moved on from holding on to nonsense. WRONG! Look, I really wanted to do the right thing here. I didn’t want to be a total asshole and remove people because of shit that went down years ago, because that’s the past, and I have done wrong too, so even stevens right? WRONG!
I was really manic back in 2015, well towards the end of the year anyway. My bipolar was raging out of control. I was totally sucked into completely feeling the essence of my spirituality, the Universe, Astrology, and everything Zen. Honestly I was at peace and everything made total sense. The only downside is, I was out of my fucking mind. And what’s worse? I MADE SENSE TO OTHER PEOPLE TOO.
One of the key components of being knee-deep in a manic episode, is how the world perceives you. Not only did I make sense of the very nature of the Universe, I had followers! Can anyone say L. Ron Hubbard? Okay, let’s not because I would like to live to see tomorrow. Anyway, I managed to drag along a group of people in my manic perceptions of “Everything” and went on a fantastical journey, of Mind, Body and Spirit. I haven’t come to terms with the fact that what I experienced wasn’t real, because there were others that felt the same things I did, but in all honesty, a doctor would probably say we were all friggin’ manic, except I am the one that got caught with the net and dragged to the psych ward.
The Tantric Teacher was part of this group of followers I had. He was wise in many sexual aspects of spirituality, which makes me realize how absolutely bonkers the whole experience was. I have to admit, it was the most exciting time in my life, and the sex was literally out of this world, because we all know that “crazy” sex is the best sex there is. Forget out-of-body experiences, these type of sexual experiences were celestial. But that comes with a price of total, and utter reckless behavior. Needless to say, The Tantric Teacher may or may not have some video of me doing some explicit sexual things. Yeah, okay, you have permission to yell at me for not taking him off my Facebook and just should have Blocked, Blocked, Blocked. But, to my defense I technically did.
When I came out of the hospital in early 2016, my world was turned upside down. I was heavily medicated, and all that I experienced was a total blur. I was trying to scramble whatever “connection” to the Universe and spirituality I had, to at least get back that amazing feeling. It was a real reality check, to come to the conclusion, that all I had experienced was just an effed up delusion. I reconnected with The Tantric Teacher at that time, hoping he would help me “feel” that spirit again. However, this “Zen” he thinks he had came from insane amounts of liquor. So much so, that he slurred every word he said to me, and he even fell down several times. When I was manic, I didn’t see it, but now that I did, I needed space. After my stomach settled from being so disgusted, I sent him a goodbye message on Google Hangouts, (Google’s Messanger), and said that he needed to address his drinking problem and I couldn’t be around him right now because I needed to take care of myself. Go me right? WRONG! I forgot about deleting/blocking him from Facebook. I guess that Facebook was the least of my problems at that time, and I had already deactivated it.
Which brings me to today. Since my return to Facebook a few weeks ago, I had seen some of the Tantric Teacher’s posts. I didn’t “like” anything he posted for a while, I just kept reading them and passing by them on my Feed. Honestly, I felt bad. His posts were heart wrenching. Apparently, a lot of shit has happened to him during the past two years. He is homeless, has no family, has a job that only pays enough so he doesn’t die of starvation, and he is just pointing his phone towards any kind of weak Free Wi-Fi signal so he can to post on Facebook and keep in touch with his friends. “Supposedly,” though. We all know how elaborate with lying people can get on the internet these days, and since he was crazy as hell to have gone along with my manic mess, the jury is still out on his sanity.
However, recently things got REALLY bad for him around Christmastime, again, “supposedly,” and I gave him a “heart” on a post, showing my support. I don’t know if you read my last post of how much of a pushover I seem to be lately, but goddamn it, I need to man the fuck up and cut these people out, no matter how bad I feel for them. You know, after all he has been through and the lessons he has learned, I would think humility and forgiveness would be the biggest lesson. So what did he message me today?
“So how have you been since you ghosted me, and left me to rot?”
Lord have mercy. Hate the world much? No? Then how about just take all your bullshit out on people who you haven’t talked to in two goddamn years.
I lost it. I mean I didn’t owe him shit. But I let it get under my skin. Instead of walking away, and just blocking and moving on, which I seem to claim I am so good at, I had to let him know that I didn’t ghost him, I told him I had left a message telling him that his drunk behavior is not what I needed at the time. God help me, did I really need to do that? But of course, I am dumb enough to feed the pointless drama.
“No you ghosted me. Ghosting is when you don’t give a person a chance to respond.”
Someone shoot me please. Does crying about something that happened years ago, really important if you’re homeless and so desolate? Mind you, he is probably drunk as a skunk because its Australia Day, and this is why he is being so ballsy.
Why am I dealing with this stupid crap you ask? I really have no idea, but it seems I am a masochist. Why do I even care about this person, from what seemed like a lifetime ago?
I realize I am a total idiot. I got sucked into the drama of Facebook, and I am now posting this nonsense on my blog because I am obsessing like crazy.
I might as well come clean and say that I didn’t tell this guy to fuck off, because I am afraid he might post a sex video of me somewhere. I am not even sure if he has one, or if he even filmed me, but he did to other people and saved it on his sticky laptop, (ew), and I only know this because when he got mad at them he bragged about it. I am not sure if he even has the laptop still.
But I felt sorry for him, despite knowing that he might be devious enough to expose something private about me to the world. If I had any doubts about him, why am I entertaining this fool? Why do I feel bad for people like this?
Yeah you know it:
I’m kinda scared of what he might have on me.
The lesson here is, once you move on from someone, MOVE ON. Don’t let them linger anywhere on your social media, even if it is years later. You may end up reminding them that they have still have some leverage over you, because you’re completely paranoid, messed up, and now can’t sleep.
Actually the real lesson is. Just leave Facebook. And never go back.
(Please Note: I just changed the title because when I read through this post for errors, I realized how dumb this really is. Sigh.)