Being the Sadist. No One Does The Most Damage to Myself But Me.


Can someone explain to me why we do this? Probably more women do it to themselves than men, but come on!! All I know is that I am sick of it. So how do you fix this messed up way of thinking? Just throw your hands up, say “fuck it, I am better than this,” and move along your merry way and live your life. I realize that sounds so cliché and simplistic, but honestly it is the most effective way of handling things.

I woke up today at 6pm. Yeah, you guessed it, I got the whip out, ready to lash myself with it as soon as I got up out of bed. I was so unbelievably pissed with myself. I didn’t wake up early enough to go help my dad out at the new house, I didn’t wake up early enough to do some work on my writing project, I didn’t wake up early enough to do some much-needed cleaning and laundry, I didn’t wake up early enough to spend some quality time with The Captain today….the list goes on and on, whip, whip, lash, lash, beat myself down right into that depression where I just give up and don’t even bother trying anymore.

No. That won’t be me. I won’t give into that crap anymore. I got up that late because I was wallowing in a bipolar fog of madness early in the morning, which led to me finally going to bed at 8am, resulting in my 6pm wake-up and Epic Fail. That’s the problem right there. We beat ourselves up so bad because of the result of our own careless actions. Self-discipline anyone? Ever heard of it? Yeah, we heard of it, but we would rather beat ourselves up than take responsibility for the fact that we set those things in motion, and caused ourselves to feel like a total sack of shit. Please don’t leave me hanging alone out here, I know you feel the same way too. I guess it’s just part of the human condition, I suppose. The good news is, we don’t have to sit and wallow as the sack of shit, we can dust ourselves off and try again.

Try, try again, that’s what people always say. Usually when people say that though, I am doing my most sarcastic eye roll. Yeah, people can say keep trying, but what if you just don’t want to, and you just CAN’T. “I can’t dammit, I fucking can’t do this, no, no, no,  I can’t, I can’t, I just want to give up!!!” Just a tirade of incessant rants and screams, bawling like you are a two-year-old again. Do you see where I am going with this, and the complete irony here? Do you realize how much energy is spent, just screaming and fighting in opposition to the thought of trying again to work on bettering ourselves and making a positive change? The most simple and obvious solution is to stop fighting so hard against what is good for us, but that’s not what we humans do is it? No. We do the exact opposite of what’s good for us, and if you’re a special kind of sadist like me, you spend all that energy whipping yourselves so you feel like the most horrible waste of space on the planet. Oh, what fun!

God, I am so, so stupid.

I am done with the merry-go-round of whipping myself. It is almost 8pm and I have succeeded in accomplishing absolutely NOTHING for the day. Okay. Now what? Bitch and moan and cry and cry, or make a plan for tomorrow, and try to enjoy the rest of my evening? I think I am going to with the most logical choice here, so I retain what ever is left of my sanity. Tonight, instead of gluing my eyes at the computer screen for countless hours and going to bed way, way, too late, I will take responsibility for my actions and try to implement some kind of self-discipline. Definitely not going to be easy, but I am going to try, dammit. I am definitely going to have a drink though. Prying the whip away from hands that I lash myself with has been a daunting task, but I have to make a change, and a change in the positive direction.

Yes, tonight, it will be me, some Honey Jack Daniels, my best friend and The Godfather Part II. I have never seen it before, so it should be a real treat.

So yeah, if you’re like me, please but that whip away, and try to enjoy yourself as much as you can. You don’t deserve all that unnecessary pain over what is done already. Whether it’s that guy (or girl) that didn’t call/text, that job you didn’t get, or that goal you didn’t make, stop beating yourself up about it. Remember you are putting all that energy into fighting something, or wishing for something so HARD, that you are killing yourself slowly for no reason. Put that energy into the present moment, and do what you can to bring yourself joy, because when you put that whip down, you might actually end up enjoying yourself. What a novel idea, isn’t it?

Excuse me why I try not to roll my eyes at my own sense of optimism.

Haha, yup, still human, but eh, fuck it, nobody’s perfect.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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4 Responses to Being the Sadist. No One Does The Most Damage to Myself But Me.

  1. I have said this myself it’s like I’m in a domestic violence relationship with myself and I can’t break free. Great post

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh it’s so damn true and fucking incessant. Then I beat myself up for trying not to beat myself up because I’m a worthless piece of shit that deserves what I’m getting. The cycle continues… *sigh* They say we should speak to ourselves the way we speak to our best friends, easier said than done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, I am so glad that I am not alone! I swear, I had to physically stop myself on doing a real number on myself before I ruined my whole evening. It took A LOT of effort, and I pulled through. I wish I could be more aware like that more often, but unfortunately being fucked up and bipolar doesn’t let me do that. But you’re right, if we treated ourselves even half as nice as we treat others, or a best friend, we would be in such a better place. Cheers to the struggle! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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