There Is Should, Would, and What Is

this-is-you

What does it feel like to have a breakthrough? To know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be? You can roll your eyes right now, but if you are reading this post, what are you chasing? That relationship? That job? That perfect family and completeness of everlasting bliss? I think that most people just want to be happy, and to them that could mean many things, or in the case of the human condition, EVERYTHING.

I have spent so many years chasing, running, searching, scouring, desperately yearning, for some meaning to what the fuck I supposed to be doing here, who I am supposed to be with, and most importantly, what will make me happy. I got myself involved in all sorts of shenanigans; bad dates, late night romps with some random dudes I met in a chatroom, and walking out on countless jobs because I thought I could do better. And I have a condition. I am bipolar. God knows, I didn’t ask for it, and it is most likely hereditary because I see it in my family. I won’t go deep into the stigma attached to such an illness but, “she texts me too much, bitch be bipolar”, “the weather is bipolar today”, and “why you acting all bipolar, you’re not crazy.” Need I say more?

But, I am going to push all that aside right now, and talk to you, human to human, no illnesses between us, just two friends talking about the meaning of life. I do realize that most people are in a constant state of sarcasm, glued to some kind of entertainment or social media, and forever in protest of our current president. But what happens when you are by yourself? Every electronic device is off, the world is asleep, and you sit in silence? The thoughts come. In my case, it has been a shitload of manic, euphoric, epiphanies, but that’s only if you’re lucky enough to have the bipolar that’s so stigmatized, and your mind is unlocked in a way that most people wish for. You don’t need LSD, or any drugs to get the high of a bipolar manic mind, but if you’re normal, (which some people are so happy to be, because they most likely think they are better than “crazies”), unlocking the mind’s wonders can be a difficult task, especially when you are numbed down by a constant stream of technology at every turn.

I learned something tonight, and it’s from the dumbest thing ever, and you’re probably going to think I am a complete hypocrite because of where my breakthrough came from. Let’s just say it is from an old Coca-Cola commercial, where all the children in the world came together and were holding a bottle of Coca-Cola in their hand and singing, “It’s the Real Thing.” You die-hard fans out there will know where that really came from, but I guess it doesn’t matter at this point, (or maybe you will find out if you can manage to read this insanely long post), but all that matters is, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I am not perfect, I am flawed, I have a mental illness, I am overweight, I was never married, I have no children, I am living on disability, living from payment to payment with no prospect for a future if anything happened to my family, and approaching 40 at lightening speed. Your life seems better now right? Lucky you. What I do have though, is riches beyond what most people dream. It’s not money either, its self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ability to hold my head high when I walk into a room, despite all my shortcomings. I am in no competition with anyone, I don’t want what others have, even though the ambition and drive I had when I was younger said otherwise. The goals for me now is not to attain anything, just to survive into my twilight years, with a roof over my head and food in my belly, and hopefully with a partner or a close friend, (doesn’t even have to be male, and no I am not bisexual).

We all don’t want to die alone, so I constantly ask myself, why are so many people, (including myself at one point), racing to the grave at lightening speed? You do realize the way we drink, smoke, eat, fuck, work, and vegetate our brains is a first class trip to a graveyard don’t you? Maybe it’s different for those out in the country, where life is simpler, but for me here in NYC, it’s been one hell-bound road trip since day one. But for now, at least for this moment, I am not thinking about what my life should have been or would have been, I am thinking of what it IS.

Today was beyond shitty. I have been living in a manic haze for days now, spending countless hours on the internet, posting ridiculousness on WordPress of complete stupidity, and robbing my body of sleep and kindness. I have been running my body ragged, drugging myself with countless medications that not only make me numb and emotionless, but put me in a zombie-like state the whole next day. I wake up in a daze, completely hung over without even having any alcohol. I yawn incessantly, have zero energy, completely useless to anyone, and honestly, today, I was such a disappointment to myself, I thought I should just die and get it over with.

Until I connected. People, places, things. I forced myself to go out and try to enjoy the day. There was no sun, and somebody bugged me for a cigarette, (the once in a blue moon time I smoke one and I couldn’t even enjoy the damn thing), and that orgasm I tried to have later on that day fell completely flat. Slumping my useless body around, I later found myself talking to my best friend, reading loving messages from the Captain, and enjoying the comforts of my home, all while watching the final episode of the hit show Mad Men. After it was over, I passed by the living room, where my parents were laughing and watching Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, (it was at the part where Captain Kirk yelled “double dumb ass on you!”) and then I passed my sister in the hallway, dead tired from her long day at work.

Then came the realization. This is my family. This is my life. I have nothing, yet I have everything. I can’t explain to you what this feels like. All I know is, out of all the experiences I have had in my life, and all the fucked up things I have to deal with living in a Bipolar Hell on such heavy medication, I am the luckiest bitch on the planet, because I honestly don’t have a care in the world. Sure, I can’t get my shit together and I have bad days, but I am SO thankful for all I have, because I know this is where I am supposed to be. Not where I should be, or would have been, but where I am now.

If you’re rolling your eyes, I get it. Trust me. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that your life isn’t shit either, and you are meant to be here, even if you feel you can’t deal with any of it anymore. Whatever you’re dealing with, whatever is bothering you, or what ever asshole is getting under your skin, at the end of the day, its you, just you, and it is your choice how you want to live your life, even in the most dire of situations. I have been homeless, I have been in mental hospitals countless times, I have been arrested, I have had my apartment raided by the police, I have been in jail, and I have had even worse shit happen to me, (I am going to save you and me from reliving that trauma), but it’s not going to end here.

Not like this.

This is my life, and I am going to enjoy all of it at lightening speed, as fast as the years are passing.

I am lucky to have my family and friends.

And you are lucky too, even if it may not be clear to you yet.

I am thankful for once, and I am happy to be alive.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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5 Responses to There Is Should, Would, and What Is

  1. Revenge of Eve says:

    Wonderful open and honest post. I too am manic and have been for a few days. I consider myself lucky for having fireworks in my brain when there is nothing. I love my life tremendously right now. I have had a newfound confidence in my position life for the past year and it hasn’t changed, it’s simple, but it’s mine and I accept myself for who I am. Some days I still struggle but I am working toward’s being a better version of me, not the me others want me to be. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Congrats on these feels today. They are empowering.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your wonderful words Eve! They inspire and give me strength in such amazing ways. I know you know what this is like, because I have been on your journey with you through your blog, but I can tell you have come really far yourself. The mania sometimes fuels us in a way most people can’t imagine, so i am thankful for mine too. We have both certainly come really far. Be proud! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Amal Suresh says:

    Its gud to let everything out. Smtyms its the only thing dat feels ri8 at that moment.
    Gudvread though.✌

    Liked by 1 person

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