Look, I can’t tell you how many disgusting, “Oh I am so in love,” love stories, and shameless, exhibitionist, self-promotional word vomit I have seen over the years, but I’m not hatin’ I swear! As a matter of fact, I have TWO valentines this year, whom I both love dearly.
So what do you do if you’re single, (and feel hopeless), with Valentine’s Day just 24 hours away? Indulge in it! I mean really, you could just sit there in tears, and watch Ryan Gosling and his perfect abs sweep up the painfully adorable Rachel McAdams off her feet, OR you can go out and make your own version of “The Notebook,” and by own version, I mean some hot, steamy guilt-free sex.
This new epiphany may be coming from the fact that I am sitting here topless, enjoying what my own boobies look like being free and liberated, or the fact that I think tension-release is a great way to get over the fact that life can fucking suck at times. Trust me, I have been there; done the relationship thing, done the moving-in thing, done the engagement thing, all while showing off on Facebook shamelessly, (yeah I did what those bitches you’re hating on did, eh, no one’s perfect), BUT what came out of all that experience is the FREEDOM I learned to appreciate finally, for the first time in my life.
Relationships works for most people, marriage does too. But NOT me. I realized after years of pining for “Mr. Perfect” that he doesn’t exist in only one man. No ladies, you need several of those fellas! And no, I am not talking “Sister Wives” or any polyamory mumbo-jumbo. I am talking about making REAL connections with men and women, friendships that last the test of time, for better or for worse.
I have a “boyfriend” (I think), and also a best friend, who are both male. I have a handful of girlfriends, and even though they are scattered all over the place, I love them to death. With ALL of that, I will be dining alone, ALL BY DAMN CONFIDENT SELF, at my favorite restaurant, dressed to kill, during prime-time on Valentine’s Day night. Why? Because I fucking can that’s why! Haha. Who made up these “Valentine’s Day Dining Rules?” Some quack job Love Doctor?
*Calling Dr. Ruth and Dr. Phil*
“Insert pseudo-psychobabble love advice here”
Yeah, no thanks. I am doing this my way. The fact of the matter is, people get too caught up in what other people have, and we all tend to forget that people really don’t have shit. Well they do have things and people in their life, but are they better than you? Says who??? If my bipolar, overweight, approaching 40, disability-dependent ass can make herself beautiful, go out on her own and enjoy a night to remember with her own fantastic company, why can’t you? Okay, maybe you don’t have to be as dramatic as all that, but maybe just call up some of your homeboys/homegirls and paint the town red that evening??? I mean the theme IS red after all right? So go get shitfaced, have a good time, and like I said at the beginning of this deranged post, get yourself LAID!!!!! And for God’s Sake HAVE FUN!!
And for you gents that watched the hot blonde in the video I posted, remember DON’T fuck the cat!! (I literally Lol’ed at that part when I watched the video the first time).
But if you’re single and you have no friends, (been there too), why not do something completely outside the box??? Like….dun…dun…dun…speed dating! I literally know a person that is going to try this, and it is like a “hooray” from inside my girly parts rooting for her. Who says you can’t be bold and beautiful???
OR, (I know lots of you are going to cringe at this), but how about opening that OKCupid/Plenty of (Stinky) Fish/Tinder/Bumble/(Insert new dating app here), that you have vowed to give up? Come on! Live a little!! For the gents, get that booty! #PlayasRule. For the ladies, free dinner! (I realize that might wrong of me, but guys if you can’t pay for a lady’s Valentine’s date, you’re a douche, #NoApologies). Or screw it, fly solo like me that night, and inhale all the weird stares and looks you are going to get, but totally not give a shit because you’re super awesome!
*Disclaimer: I wasn’t really planning on going out at first, but I have a psych-evaluation appointment with my psychiatrist, so I decided to just dial up the “crazy” and go out to dinner afterwards in true bipolar form. Although, not being a hypocrite to those reading this post, I DID, in fact, have dinner by myself last year on Valentine’s Day, and it was just as awesone as ever.
But, if you want to pretend this day doesn’t exist, treat yourself any way you can. Buy that special outfit, video game, (blowup doll/vibrator, *chuckle*), or whatever your heart desires. Or you don’t even have to spend money, just veg out in front of the TV, (Oh, Netflix, Be My Valentine). Oh and tip about Netflix, don’t watch Black Mirror for the first time if you want to treat yourself to a good time, a man fucking a real life pig will make you throw up that wine and mountain of Tositos Chips and Salsa. No vomit for V-Day people!
Anyway, the point is, you can have it all, (like I totally do), and still be independent, sexy and well, solo, on Valentine’s Day.
So, remember don’t Fret! (and seriously, don’t fuck her cat).
Happy Valentine’s Day!