I am at the top of the world. Things are amazing, and I have wonderful friends and family, with so much love in my life. And then, the hole of depression opens up and swallows everything I have worked so hard for. I used to think that people could pull themselves up out of depression, like I do when I am in a low mood. You know, with acts of self-care; things like taking a nice shower, eating a meal you love, or taking a nice walk and getting some air. But, sometimes you just can’t. You feel like someone punched you in the gut, HARD, and no matter what you try to do, no many how many positive affirmations you say, you are trapped underneath a boulder that is slowly crushing your soul.
I had a medication change that went into effect last night. My Seroquel dosage was doubled, and I even told the doctor how frightened I was of being on so much medication. Whatever humanity I am holding on to, whatever part of my spirituality is left, I want to be able to FEEL it, and experience it from the depth of my being, not have it sucked away and drugged down into a drone of society.
I woke up after 15 hours sleep in a really bad mood. I have been aware for months that my sleeping schedule is not normal, and that manic behavior was taking over, as well as an unhealthy craving of internet interaction. I know something needed to be done, and I needed some kind of help with things, but what do you do when the pendulum swings in the complete opposite direction? I mean, even with the sleep issues, I had been feeling really good, grateful for everything in my life, and just inspired by the world and everything around me. Now, with this medication increase, I feel like I have been hit with a very heavy sledgehammer that has slammed me right down into the throes of depression. The thing is, I can easily call my doctor and tell him we might have made a mistake in agreeing to this medication increase, but what will that accomplish really? I will end up going back to a Mania Hell of staying up all night and sleeping all day, beating myself up for not getting up at a normal time, and just wrecking my body more and more every day.
Is there no answer? Is this fucking bipolar shit really going to kill me slowly?
The catalyst for all this nonsense, was seeing the faces of the young kids that were killed in the mass shooting at the high school in Florida. They all averaged at ages 14-15, and my heart broke so much, I literally cried my eyes out. This particular event hit me harder than all the tragedies that have happened in past years, only because it brought up memories of how happy I was with my friends in high school, and how wonderful those years were. Kids these days are living in fear and robbed of the wonder that childhood and being a teenager is all about. It could be the medication change that started my incessant weeping, but I think that’s just me being human. Thank god I was able to hug my sister for a little while, later on that evening. Being 25 now, she is out of school for good, and a part of me is really thankful for that.
The big thing that is being addressed now, is the shooter’s “mental health.” I understand there are a lot of people angry out there, but there is a HUGE fucking difference between someone who is suffering from mental illness, and someone who needs to be INSTITUTIONALIZED. Get a grip dammit. There is already such a huge blanket stigma being covered onto anyone and everyone with a mental health issue, and honestly I am sick of it. I don’t think its fair to lump me into the same category with a damn murderer. Sorry, I am just not having it. And who says he was mentally ill anyway? What if he is just a damn EVIL son of a bitch? Why are people so quick to make excuses for a murderer these days? For MONTHS they have been trying to slap mental illness issues on Stephen Paddock, (that Vegas shooter who opened fire on the concert go-ers), and they found absolutely nothing. The fact is, he was just EVIL and a MURDERER, just like this damn kid is. Granted, I am little angrier than I should be about this, but dammit, I am sick of society making excuses for people; especially cold-blooded killers.
This 19-year-old kid was troubled, I am not arguing that. His mother died, his father wasn’t around and he celebrated violence, but does that make him mentally ill? How about he was just pissed off that he got expelled and wanted to take his revenge by conducting a mass slaughter, and thought the whole thing was “justice” for him. What if he is just one of these damn self-entitled, coddled, doesn’t-respect-his-elders, product of this generation? “Wahhh, I was expelled, so lemme go murder everyone.” That is not mental illness, that’s a damn tantrum gone really, really, bad.
My insides hurt, my head hurts, and I am too damn tired. The fact of the matter is, when I was growing up, shit like this just DIDN’T happen. It just didn’t. Even in the crime-infested ghetto I grew up in that makes today’s Chicago crime problems look like child’s play. People just don’t look out for others anymore, and they definitely don’t respect their elders at all, which directly relates how law enforcement is treated.
It’s a crazy, crazy world now, and taking away guns and blaming Trump isn’t going to do squat. I am sorry, but it isn’t. If people want to say that other countries are better to live in because they took away everyone’s guns, then GO LIVE THERE THEN. Why stay here in America if you are going to bitch and complain about how much you hate it? I am not a gun owner by the way, as a matter of fact, I am terrified of them, but taking that right away from people isn’t solving the problem, at all.
I am not completely off my rocker though, (well, I am), but one thing I can say is, the whole “sending out thoughts and prayers” bullshit is also condescending as hell, and is nothing but a slap in the face because that doesn’t solve anything, and it definitely makes those families feel like you don’t really give a damn.
Something has to be done, and it will take time and patience. There will never be justice, unless the core problem is solved, and that is the importance of the “family unit” and the support of wisdom, and guidance from elders in a child’s upbringing. It starts in the home, and honestly, there are way too many broken ones in America today. That’s where the problem really is, not mental illness and not guns.
It’s in the home, and how you are essentially raised. And it doesn’t have to be perfect. I grew up in the mother of dysfunctional households, but we still held our shit together, and my dad still kept us in line.
We need more fathers with a firm hand, and we need to stop coddling children, they need to get their ass in line with some discipline. If they want to call Child Services on you, pick up the phone and enlist their spoiled, whiny ass in Military School. It will do wonders.
Home is where the heart is.