Comparing Yourself to Others, And Boy, Does It Suck

thirty

Okay, let’s be real here, how many times have you thought to yourself, “Man, my life sucks, I should have accomplished “XYZ” like my friend/family has done by now.” Ever scroll through Facebook and feel worse about yourself too? I know, we have all been there. So how do we stop the cycle of wanting what other people have? The answer is, there is no quick fix to that problem, and I can easily go on and on about how “you should appreciate what you have,” and “God has a plan for you too,” but I might as well kick you in the teeth, cause not only have you probably heard this crap time and time again, but you are probably feeling the same way about those words as the people in Florida are feeling about “sending our thoughts and prayers.” Yes I know, its total condescending bullshit; (insert epic eye-roll here).

I have noticed throughout my life, that I always felt not good enough. Not good enough for a man, for my job, for my parents, etc., the list goes on and on. Why do we do that? Well, in my day it was all the damn magazines with the “perfect woman” plastered on the front cover, where as today, it’s on social media, TV, and just well everywhere, where it wasn’t 20 years ago. And it’s not just about poor self-esteem either, it goes much deeper than that as well as much larger than that; I am talking on a global scale of “modern society.” I mean every little girl wanted to be Barbie, right? She had the mansion, the corvette, the townhouse, and Ken was basically her bitch, (sorry, but he totally was). But do you remember what Barbie looked like? Perfect blonde, with epic tits. Yeah, I got epic tits too, but I ain’t no blonde perfection bred straight from California.

Granted times have definitely changed since the days of worshipping Pamela Anderson and Cindy Crawford, but Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez aren’t better substitutes. They have an entire CREW to handle how they look every day, and the average goddess, (yes, you, and we all are), just has herself, a good blow dryer, and an array of make-up at her disposal. We can’t expect to LOOK like they do, so why the hell are we even trying? Or better yet, beating ourselves up because we can’t look like that?

I opted to stop all that ridiculous nonsense a few years ago. I even gave up trying to lose weight, (eventually I have to jump back on that horse for health purposes, but its sure as hell not going to be to please anyone or society). The fact of the matter is, I learned total self-acceptance, and I can’t even tell you how I did it, wait yes I can, I stopped giving a flying fuck.

Seriously.

I Just stopped giving a damn what people thought of what shape I was, how my hair looked, my nails, all of it. That doesn’t mean I let myself go, and became a total slob either. No, far from it. When I look in the mirror and get dressed before I go out, I am genuinely happy with what I see, made up to my standards of perfection, and when I am out and about in the big bad judgmental world, my head is held up so high I often get the “who the hell does she think she is” looks. But you know what? That doesn’t matter either, because they are strangers on the street, and they’re gone in a second anyway, so who the hell cares?

I think of the Virginian often, almost daily actually. I remember how I always used to think to myself, “when I meet him I will weigh X amount of pounds, my hair will be X long, my nails will be done X way, etc., etc., nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.” I could have easily driven down to Virginia in the 5 years I knew this man, instead of a weekly phone call, and pining away, just too afraid to meet because I was unhappy with the way I looked. I think to myself now about it, and say to myself, “Who the hell were you woman?”

The woman I am today, would have seized that opportunity and MADE something with this man, instead of letting him slip away and get married to some dumb local broad. It’s amazing, when I logged into Facebook around Valentine’s Day, I had the option to “Share A Memory” and I had a picture on there from 5 years ago of the flowers he had sent to me that year. You know, even though I have two wonderful men in my life now, that Virginian was the ONLY man to EVER send me flowers? And I let that hunk-a-burnin’ love go!

And since I am on the subject of Facebook, stop sitting there and looking at what other people have, PLEASE! I guarantee you all the shit you have THEY really want too, they just don’t show it or say it, because they are too busy trying to make you jealous of the shit they have. It’s just one big circle-jerk of a shitshow, basically trying to “one-up” the people we call friends. Is your purpose in life to make your friends, or all people in general, jealous of you? If so, I suggest you re-think your priorities, because you can’t post a selfie of you in your casket at the end. Well, technically you can, but your make-up is gonna be awful!

I guess what I am trying to say is, we really do a number on ourselves when we compare ourselves to all the glamorous people out there; our friends, distant relatives, co-workers, whatever. Our life always feels so small when you’re home all day, never going anywhere, have nothing going for you, tried and failed on that dating site for the umpteenth time, while everyone you know seems to be having the time of their lives. The truth of the matter is YOU can make your life glamorous and celebrate your blessings each day, and honestly, you don’t even have to post that good feeling to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or anywhere. Why do we feel the constant need to throw our happiness in other people’s faces? Have we, as a society, become that vain?

Just be you, every day, marching to the beat of your own drum, in your own fabulous way. The only one that you need to “report to” about how good you are feeling is yourself. There is some logic behind self-affirmations that make sense, I just don’t buy into the whole mystical, hippie BS, but eh, maybe that’s just the New Yorker in me.

Doesn’t matter though, I am still thirty, flirty, and thriving!

P.S. – I am actually 37, but who’s counting when you look 30 anyway?

P.P.S. – If you haven’t seen 13 going on 30 with Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo, it’s a must watch for you!

P.P.P.S. – Remember, as always, be extra kind to yourself, you’ve done enough of the self-lashing already.

Stay tuned.

 

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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13 Responses to Comparing Yourself to Others, And Boy, Does It Suck

  1. [ Smiles ] We were not meant to be like other people. Therefore it is always a very wise decision to not compare ourselves with others!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Donnalee says:

    I agree completely that comparing yourself to anyone is a bad idea. If you want to imitate a good person, you can learn from them, and if you like someone’s hair you can learn how to do a version of it that suits you, and that’s fine if you don’t get all self-cricitical about it. Getting fooled into thinking that people who look great to you online REALLY look great without the airbrush etc., and that people on facebook really show you their worst and most ordinarily aspects, is a mistake. Being your own self, and the best one of those you can be, is the only thing we can do. I see famous people as clients or in restaurants etc., or I sing with them, and they seldom look anywhere near as good as they do in films or videos, and that’s fine. I feel sorry for the pressure they have to look great all the time even at breakfast trying to be anonymous and just eat. All the facial implants etc. seem way hardcore to just look the way the world wants them to look–

    Liked by 2 people

  3. updownflight says:

    I actually never really compared myself to others, especially when I was younger before my bipolar disorder really got out of hand. I had a good self-esteem, and was quite ambitious. Physical appearance was never a big thing to me, though I guess being pretty satisfied in general with myself made that easy. I have never dreamed of being a model. Actually, I rarely wore any makeup until I was about 38 years old. I do wear minimal makeup now, but because I think it brightens up my face a bit.

    Though after my worst bipolar started I didn’t often compare myself to others, I did have periods of grieving what I thought I would/could have been or had if my worst episodes hadn’t struck. I’ve been very prone to “could haves”, “would have hads” and “should haves” over the last 12 years. That, too, is a kind of thinking that has done me no good. But like you, such “comparitive” thinking has eased for me. I am very much trying to be happy with what I do have now, despite still being on disability. It does frustrate/anger/sadden me when I feel I’m making progress forward, and then get knocked backwards again. That has happened so many times, and I’m still a bit afraid it will happen again. It makes me reluctant to try too hard.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I totally understand where you are coming from, and I am so glad that you have been so strong on your bipolar journey. I am very much in your situation, (bipolar and living on disability), so I often sit in the place of “why the hell can’t I move forward?” It is more than just blocking out all the crap that makes you feel bad, it’s about how YOU carry yourself and what YOU do each day that makes you happy.

      I often mourn for the ambition I once had in my youth, before being diagnosed bipolar. That “risk” that I would easily take to move forward is simply beyond me now, because I live in a constant state of fear of being pushed back. But what I am doing is easing into making changes, like taking Civil Service tests in which I can work without fear of being fired because of my bipolar disability and added on are really great benefits. I eventually want to get off disability and make a life for myself, beyond what I am now. I guess what I am saying is you don’t have to try too hard, you just have to try, in what little way you can to better yourself and your situation. Miracles don’t happen overnight, and being bipolar we MUST be careful on how we approach major life changes. But I do wish you the best, and thank you for commenting and reading. I really appreciate it! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight says:

        Thank you, shatteredwishes! I agree that we should continue to try to move forward, but carefully and wisely. I do hope you do well on the Civil Service test and get a job situation you like and can easily live with.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Uneven Jen says:

    I’m 40 years old and it’s my own Mom that makes me feel this way. I don’t worry about comparing myself to magazines or who else had done what EXCEPT in my Mom’s case. She’s always downing me for having Bipolar and criticizes my life with my husband and discounts any happiness that I feel. She doesn’t believe I am capable of doing anything successful and I am constantly comparing myself to my younger sister who has a master’s degree from New York university and my younger brother just became an RN. I feel so small compared to what they have done. I have struggled with bipolar all throughout my teenage years and finally when I got diagnosed at the end of my twenties…it was all a blur of manic and depressive episodes, med changes, hospitalizations – my thirties were stolen from me and I often grieve over the years I can’t get back. My Mom doesn’t care. I’m a loser with the wrong diagnosis and take too many meds.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are many things i want to say here, but I will keep it brief because I don’t want to overwhelm you. My parents never put me down or anything, so I am grateful that I have not had that experience, so I empathize with your situation and honestly what your mom is doing to you is absolutely horrible.

      Here’s the thing. For years, I was in the same situation with comparing myself to my younger sister. She had the schooling ,the career, the boyfriend, the social life, everything that I wanted, and I was just down right envious of everything she had and how much of a failure I was. The key to really taking your strength back is to hold your head high and celebrate in your own accomplishments. Don’t have any accomplishments? No worries! I don’t have any either, doesn’t mean I don’t celebrate the fact that I get up out of bed everyday and take a shower and face the world!! Who says that’s not an accomplishment?

      I am single, (you are lucky to at least have a husband), overweight, on disability not working, living with my parents, and where most people in my situation would be depressed and feel like an utter failure, I do not in anyway feel that way, and the reason I don’t is simply because I live for ME and not anyone else. Live for YOU Jen, seriously fuck the rest. All that nonsense your mom is filling your head with, phase it out or just turn your back to it. Take your strength back because you have the balls to do it, and I know this, because it takes a fuckin’ warrior to deal with bipolar.

      If you feel like a loser, you don’t have to sit in it and let it consume you. If you are worried about the past, you don’t have to sit there and think about things you can’t change and years you can’t get back. It’s HARD to do these things, and it took YEARS to get me to this place. I mean I have my bad days too, but who doesn’t?

      People say therapy and medication helps, and it does, but I have learned that it’s up to the individual to actively make the change for the better. I wish you all the luck in the world and if you need extra help, this site: https://forums.psychcentral.com/ has been a miracle to me during times of struggle. Utilize your resources, and don’t sit in the hole, get up and get yourself out of it, and do things to make YOU happy, and stop looking around at what everyone else is doing and what everyone else has, none of that matters when it comes to YOU. All my love. Fight on warrior! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Uneven Jen says:

        Thank you so very much. Your response brought tears to my eyes and also a new sense of I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I’m glad you can relate with the sister situation. There is so much to thank you for that I don’t even know what to say.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Awww Jen you are absolutely welcome!! It moves me so much to know I helped you in such a way. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GOING TO DO THIS WARRIOR!!! Oh, and I feel so stupid that you are already on PsychCentral, you’re the one that made that AMAZING thread on sharing blogs!! I just realized it!! How amazing is that!! See? You did something absolutely amazing that I am even grateful for!! Fight on! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. crossfitmomm says:

    Great advice! Now if we could only keep that in the forefront of our minds…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh absolutely!! My method of keeping it at the forefront of my mind is I really stopped whipping myself for something that is completely out of my control. For our essence, or soul, to exist in this universe we need to show up in a body, for whatever reason between divinity and the laws of nature, so I embrace it because I am not getting another one, I see no point in hating what I was given for the rest of my life. Who says there are better bodies out there anyway? Haha. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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