Have you ever been at a point where you have this problem, you want to reach out, but you are just stuck? Friends that have husbands or boyfriends had never been a problem for me, but when boundaries are crossed, things can get messy. Just yesterday, I posted about my two friends that I reconnected with, whose partners crossed a line to me. I mean they totally bypassed my friends and contacted me directly, and honestly, where I was confused and concerned about it, now I am just spiraling out of control, letting my bipolar mind spin and spin with all kinds of thoughts and crazy ideas.
Friend 1 has not gotten back to me after I called her. I never called her boyfriend back after his random call and text to me, and honestly the fact that she has just dropped me now, is causing me some severe anguish, sadness and just upset feelings. I mean, I can’t tell you how good it felt, after all this time, to sit down with a friend and just be with in person. A friend, who also has a mental illness and can completely relate to me. I had literally gotten so used to digital friendships through Skype, Forums, Twitter, Facebook, and all that jazz, that when I actually sat down with someone, a fellow woman, and embraced what felt like real sisterhood, I found out that I am really CRAVING that in my life. Especially since now that it is gone, I am really, truly feeling the loss.
Besides the pain I am feeling, I am totally overcome with intense anger too, because it might just be that a FUCKING MAN is the reason things have ended this way. I know, I am falling into the man-bashing category, but honestly, that is completely against my nature. Friend 1 told me she is TOTALLY dependent on her boyfriend, so if he chose to forbid her to talk to me because I didn’t call him back, how I am supposed to feel? I know, I know, it is PURE speculation, but it is really interesting how I called her all the time before that call from him, (we had many talks before we met up), and NOW all of a sudden she went completely AWOL?
UGH is just a complete understatement for all this shit. I can’t really blame her for being dependent on her man can I? I mean I probably should, because the whole hoopla and mumbo-jumbo about “Today’s Independent Woman” is everywhere. I mean, even I was able to go out into the world, and make it on my own, without a man by myself. BUT, I TOTALLY FAILED. I failed, and I ended back at home with my family. Friend 1 doesn’t have that luxury. She did what most women have always done, hell, even what my own mother did – find a man and let him take care of you. And honestly, for most women, it is for survival too. I am aware that in today’s society this is frowned upon, because it should be an equal partnership in a relationship. But if you’re a woman who suffers from bipolar, been hospitalized numerous times, dead broke because of all the manic spending, nowhere to go, is it really wrong to turn to a man to take care of you? If I were in her shoes, even as a strong-minded, bad ass of a bitch as I am, if I had absolutely no choice and I had no family, I really have to admit to myself that I would too. I am not proud of that admission, but it’s the truth.
*Total Epic Sigh and Fail for the Modern Woman I “Think” I Am*
Friend 2, ugh, what another nightmare this is too. Her last message to me on Facebook was to call her at her new number. She doesn’t have my number anymore, and I am sad to say I am kind of glad about that. Why do you ask? Because her goddamn creepy ass husband’s Facebook request and message is still sitting in my inbox, and I am having literal panic attacks thinking that she would put this asshole on the phone when I call her, you know, just to say “hi.” Yes I know. Cue the drama. But Friend 2’s husband totally bypassed her and took it upon himself to contact me. I really don’t want to talk to him. I really don’t want to get to know him either. I mean I JUST reconnected with Friend 2, must I REALLY make nice with the husband so soon?
This whole thing is making me feel really claustrophobic, like on an epic scale of 1000000. I feel SO backed into a corner here, with both these friends. I know I am at the age where most women have partners, so granted any friends I make that would be relatable to me would proabably come with another half. But why did this situation with these two friends have to get so damn uncomfortable and awkward?
I talked to my Mom. I talked to the Captain. I talked to my Best Friend. I talked to many of my wonderful friends on Psych Central – Forum for Mental Health and I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to walk away from all of this damn drama. I really have to do it. I LOVED reconnecting with these two women SO much, it is like so unreal, after all these years apart, and because of my discomfort, (and the obvious creepy factor), I have to walk away. But I am so angry though. Like so angry at men. Please, to the guys out there reading, cut me some slack here. You do the whole “I hate all women” thing too sometimes, so just let me do it now. I need to do it now.
I am writing because I want to reach out to someone to talk to about this, but like the title of this post says, I can’t ask, because I have no idea what the hell to ask. Truly. I don’t want to ask for advice. I don’t even want to ask for support. I don’t want to ask for anything really. No scratch that. I WANT to ask GOD why he brought these women back into my life. Why He brought them, dangled the possibility of real life friendship in my life again, and is now MAKING me walk away. There are so many things I want to do, to say, but I am so lost, added on to a REAL feeling of emptiness. I don’t have the strength to put aside this discomfort for the sake of friendship. Hell, Friend 1 may have just made that decision for me, because she is basically gone now.
I am sad, angry, and so, so tired. For the first time in a long time, I feel weak. I am a powerhouse. I am a fighter. Shit, I literally just wrote about of some of my accomplishments that made me a bad ass bitch yesterday. But now, sitting here, I am just feeling such remorse and absolute weakness.
Friend 1 and Friend 2 are amazing women, who had traveled down the road of mental health recovery with me, once upon a time ago.
Now that’s where I will leave them.
Once upon a time ago.
I am literally grieving right now, from the depths of my soul.
It’s been a long time since I have been really sad like this. I guess I was due.