Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen

swipe

How do you feel when you are ghosted? Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them. In the age of online dating, these acts of cowardice have become so acceptable in our culture, that’s its just downright scary.

I am of a different generation. I think it’s Generation Y, and sometimes I think it’s totally fitting because I often think, “Y the Hell was I even born?” But that’s a whole other story in itself. Dating when I was younger was very much like what Drew Barrymore describes in the amazing movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” (2009). Her character in the movie really has a hard time navigating through the whole world of Online Dating. She says, (and I believe most of us can identify with this), “If I want to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, I don’t go get a new haircut – I update my profile.” Put simply, that’s what we all are now – just words and pictures on a screen, clicking away, swiping away, in the most inhuman way of interacting. Taking it a step further, Drew Barrymore’s character also points out how much of a damn struggle it is to even REACH someone to talk to them anymore, compared what it was like Once Upon A Dating Ago:

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting!”

I’m gonna go ahead and bring it into modern times and just simply say – #PREACH, Drew!

Anyway, when you finally get to the actual “date,” (I almost feel like that’s not what people are even doing anymore), it usually goes more or less like this:

Match.

Text.

Meet.

Banter, Fun, Drunk. (IF it goes well – taking out the “no spark” and Catfish elements)

Sex. (Usually within the first week, or even first date)

Text.

Ghost.

Then back to Match – Repeating this whole self-absorbed, harmful, inhuman behavior over and over again, till you find yourself in your 40s. I have to say finding yourself in your 40s, still doing this crazy shit, is a REALLY scary thought – I mean at least it is for me. But you know, some people are just COMPLETELY oblivious of the whole thing. And in the case of one of these 40-year-olds, he made it work for him in a way that is just downright disturbing.

I watched something on Netflix this morning called, ” Hot Girls Wanted – (Episode 2 of the Series) – Love Me Tinder,” – and it was an inside look into the life of a serial-dater who became so good at his game, (on dating apps and sleeping with tons of women), that he had ZERO intention of ever settling down, or even slowing down. He was always in motion – swipe, swipe, text, date, sex, ghost, swipe, swipe, date, text, text, ghost, and then on to the next. One of the things that stuck out to me the most is the fact that he INSISTED on communication via text – indicating to me that same element I mentioned earlier – ABSOLUTE FEAR and TOTAL COWARDICE. The fact of the matter is, calling up someone, hearing their voice, listening to them cry, makes you FEEL really bad for the shit that you did/doing to them, and in this day and age, people just don’t want to deal with that. Fact of the matter is, they don’t even care.  The serial dater even says, “I just don’t want to deal with their feelings.” I mean as horrible as that is, MOST people feel the same way you know, men AND women. It’s really damn sad at how cold-hearted people have become towards each other, I mean even to people they had SEX with – which is even sadder because this society seems to have turned such an intimate act of love into some straight up porn shit.

Anyway, James Rhine, (The serial-dater in this documentary, and former cast member on Big Brother Season Six), had his 15 minutes of fame years ago, and kinda ran with it for a LONG time. I could even excuse the fact that he was a serial-dater, having his fun and living his life, ’cause you know no one wants to be a hater. BUT, what he was doing was very damaging to the women he was just discarding, over and over again, without giving it a second thought. His behavior REALLY disturbed me though because he used the fact that he was in his 40s, (you know older and wiser), to manipulate women – described in his words here:

“I think because I have been in this dating world for so long, and I have been able to cross over into all the new technological advancements, you know going from the old-school to the now hook-up culture, I take the best from all these worlds and compile them into what I think girls want and what other guys are lacking. You know the chivalry from being old school, the phone call, the holding the doors that stuff – I think I’ve put together a nice little strategy.”

That really hit me hard because he was using the values and behavior that most women look for, (which, for the record, is from previous generations), to methodically manipulate them. I mean this guy went the extra mile to “play the nice guy” that will melt your heart, you know making these women think “awww, he’s so sweet, he really cares about me,” and use it to his total advantage. And of course, when the women say the wrong thing, or he gets tired of them, he simply moves on.

This documentary was REALLY well done, and even though because of what I said here about James makes him look like a total sociopath, the FACT of the matter is, THIS is EXACTLY what people do these days, I mean, in one way or another.

I am sure you have heard that the main reason we have such a problem with commitment in this society is because there are way TOO many options out there. It’s a fact that has also affected marriages and people who are already in committed relationships. You know, you have been with this person for X amount of years, and you just want to try something “new” – you are tired of the same face, and I hate to say it – you are tired of the same genitals.

In this day and age, people are stuck in a perpetual NEED to stay in the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship, and when that’s over they just move on. A Need for Speed and the Rush of Excitement is the Name of the Game now, and it’s like frickin’ crack.

Anyway, James ends up coming face to face with the consequences of his actions, and he REALLY begins to realize what he has been doing for all these years:

“Sitting there watching her cry and break down like that over something that I personally didn’t think was that significant was a good reminder as to the fact that you sit back, get off your phone, and pay attention to how these other people are feeling. You’re affecting other people, and you’re not doing it in a good way, For me being 40 years old and still doing this, is just completely unacceptable behavior.”

I have to say that I really enjoyed this documentary, and I just want to tell you now, that when you’re out there dating, remember, PLEASE REMEMBER, that these are REAL people you are talking to and getting to know. They have REAL emotions and feelings and you should honestly respect them.

(Oh, and total disclaimer here: I ABSOLUTELY know women are fully capable of this behavior too. Please believe me that this wasn’t a man-bashing post, it was just done from James’ story and can be totally applicable for a woman’s story too).

Thanks for reading.

Stay tuned.

 

 

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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28 Responses to Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen

  1. Wow. This was a very enlightening post. This is why dating is so hard. When can you say you really know a person and their intentions? I have no idea! 😒

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words!! It REALLY was eye-opening for me when I watched it, like I was thinking “is this guy really this devious?” Like GOD DAMN, ya know? It really is a nightmare out there, and bringing all my experience to the table when I wrote this, really me helped put the pieces of the puzzle together. If you’re out there dating hun, keep your wits about you!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for writing this! I need to watch that documentary. Your post has shown me that it is wise to continue to be skeptical with guys until I really feel like I really know them. I don’t want to be closed off, but it’s just a fact, that we have to be careful. I’ll stay open to possibilities but, yes, as you say, I’ll keep my wits about me! 😊 Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh you’re most welcome! It’s funny, watching that documentary was a total spontaneous thing, and it made me get off my butt and write about it. Haha. Gotta spread the knowledge ya know! By the way, I stopped by your blog and you do awesome work yourself!

        Like

  2. Donnalee says:

    I really like this post and am SUPERglad that I never had to use online for dating. In the ‘old days’, you had to meet someone in person to have sex or a relationship, and it was sort of a way of life in itself, with some people wanting relationships and some to just get laid. The online stuff now makes it much more assembly-line feeling, and people of all genders have blogs detailing having sex with five or ten or or more people a week, and it pretty much meaning nothing to them and everyone being confused about ‘was a it a good date or not?’ since they all involve sex and shallow-sounding talk, and then everyone doing it more with other people. Huh. It seems superexhausting and very depressing, since that means there is so much rejecting of others and getting rejected, and then rejecting yourself. Such a hard way to live–way back when, we certainly got cheated on or cheated on people, or got our hearts broken or simply played around or whatever, but not in the sheer volume of these days. If I dated forty people in my life, say, I might have been considered a lsut or bad or a stud etc., and yet now that might be a month’s worth pof consuming others and being consumed. I would worry all the time about diseases even with condoms and especially since you can get herpes and HPV etc. from oral sex and things that sometimes do not involve condoms but maybe should, if you never saw the person before and never will again. Some of my tarot clients who are sexworkers don’t have as much sex as the online dating folks. Best wishes to everybody.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Great comment DonnaLee! I mean you’re absolute right in all of your remarks, Truly! I mean I was coming from a standpoint of just you know, getting dumped or discarded or whatever, but the important piece I was missing was the whole “free” sex attitude that is consuming our culture. Would you agree if I told you it sounds to me like we are reliving like a new version of the 60s? I mean like a more modern kind of “free love” thinking, where you get drunk, high and just sleep with multiple people? I mean it may not be the same EXACT evolution the 60s showed us, but it does feel very similar. It is a really scary statistic that your tarot clients who are sexworkers have less sex than some of these people who are online dating out there. Wow, what a scary thought! Thanks so much for reading and commenting though DonnaLee. I always appreciate your wonderful insight. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        Ah, deleted my comment my mistake boo! Seems like in the 60s it was more about freedom to go towards an ideal of sex for the purpose of fun and joy without having to get pregnant. Now it seems like I see little enjoyment, just sort of addictive doing it, then going out to get more that is also not enjoyed. What’s the point, if there is no healthy enjoyment in life? How is that not sexwork in its way, or addiction?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh man girl its so frustrating when things get deleted! But you’re right, it WAS more about freedom, but don’t you think there were some addictive things going on? You know, sex, drugs, free love, etc? I mean I totally get your point about the people of that era doing it for pure enjoyment too. In a sense it not only feels like a form of sexwork today, (like you said), but more like addiction and collecting notches on one’s bedpost. Almost like “well, I have tried XYZ with 1234 partners, so I am sexually mature and experienced, GO ME!!” It seems really inhuman and unhealthy and it is totally getting out of control.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        Yeah, but the underlying point was an ideal of ‘free love’ and sex and drugs as being their own reward, you know? I mean, many people think or used to think, “When I get this much money, I will buy this thing that makes me happy”, and a lot of what they wanted was what they thought would make them feel good, whether it was sex or drugs or status symbols. If nothing ever makes us feel good, then it is not healthy. If I enjoy my pbj sandwich, that’s great. If I don’t enjoy even my expensive food or an orgasm or being with someone i find beautiful, then that means i am missing out on a major part of life, which is enjoying/having fun/appreciating/whatever you want to call it. I think people have always been addicted to something, or missing the point of what will make them happy, but it seems like at least they used to think, “Hey, free sex. This is a good day.” These days it’s like “Yeah, free sex seven times this week, and it was sort of okay but OMG did you see this person on this app?” or whatever, and then even if they go with them, they don’t seem to feel like it was fun. It’s like stuffing all the food froma buffet into your face andnot enjoying any of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow DonnaLee what an excellent point! Now I see what you mean, and OMG I can’t tell you how TRUE that is!!!! It’s amazing you know, it seems like an EXTREME case of gluttony without any satisfaction. Like fill up, fill up, I’m full but oooh! I want more! And with that is no feeling or joy or anything. Filled just to get filled and then go after something else. What horrible times we live in for dating. Geez.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        It really is too bad. There are all the stories that point out that if you enjoy something you’re not poor even if you have no money, and if you have no enjoyment, then it doesn’t matter how rich you may be. Poor everyone who doesn’t just slow down and enjoy whatever they have right infront of them that is theirs to enjoy–a nice day, someone’s nice perfume going past, some good music, their pets, a good night’s sleep or fun dream, whatever.

        Liked by 1 person

      • God DonnaLee, I sometimes wonder where we are headed you know? I mean, and I am talking about myself, I totally got caught up in this whole “online dating” merry-go-round world to – like it took YEARS of my life to finally break the cycle. And to be honest with you, I couldn’t see past my phone or computer or whatever, to SEE that nice day, to SMELL that person’s nice perfume, to HEAR that good music, and most of all to enjoy a good night’s sleep. When I tell you DonnaLee, I was a SLAVE to the internet, robbing myself of a regular sleeping schedule, hours upon hours coming the internet for SOMEONE to love me, hear me, be with me, care for me in even the most insignificant way sometimes,. To have lived that life, and to look back on it, it feels like I climbed OVER Mt. Everest, and I am just hanging out at the top, looking back, just chillin’ Haha. Now I can walk down the mountain, strolling along, singing a happy tune, and enjoy all the wonders that life has to offer. I feel for those the are “poor” as you describe them. They have no idea what they are REALLY missing.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        It’s too bad that it is so easy to get sucked into the addiction, and I’m glad you are out of it. I got older before the internet, so my dating life happened in person.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It really is too bad you know. For me, I was a teen when the whole thing really started. I got online around the same time “You’ve Got Mail” came out with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, (such a cute movie), and after that I think literally EVERYONE jumped on the whole “looking for love” bandwagon you know? Bless you girl for missing out on this whole internet nonsense when it comes to dating, you got more important things to do anyway!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        I like blogs more than just weird texting that means nothing to me–and real life is decent too!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Haha too true girl, I do too!! I mean its amazing how we can connect with people through their own words, (like here on WordPress), like how we are doing now. I feel like we kind of have a backstory of who this person really is when you read their blog then talk to them. It’s amazing! And as for real life well, I am grabbing that one by the balls! Haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Donnalee says:

        I think it’s good to be alive when you’re alive. If you’re online all the time, it’s like being a zombie.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely. When you’re a slave to it, you just don’t even seem to see it. But I got it together now, and I am living FINALLY!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Andrea says:

    I have uses or was going to use that phrase from “he’s just not that into you” in one of my posts! It’s very true!

    I have used tinde myself during a time I was lonely. I “liked” everyone. In the hope guys would become my boyfriend and girls just a good friend.
    After one terrible date I deleted this app forever. Including facebook, so I would never feel tempted again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, you know, even though I read that “He’s Just Not That Into You” received some bad ratings/reviews, it STILL resonates with me to this very day. I mean the pure logic behind it is golden. I love the little history behind it too – you know the fact that the whole book/movie idea was originally based on a Sex and The City episode, (which is like my kind of Bible when it comes to dating and relationships). Anyway, a guy Carrie is dating lays down some real “Guy Truth” on Miranda, explaining that the reason the guy she went on a date with didn’t go “upstairs” with her at the end of the date, and said he had to get up early, was simply because: “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Brilliant logic right there, and I guess it just took off after that!!

      Aren’t you just adorable for “liking” everyone on Tinder!! I mean I could really see myself doing that too because just connecting with someone, (I mean like the way we are now) is really helpful to me in many ways. It makes me feel that the words I put out there aren’t just lost in a void somewhere, and someone is actually listening! As for Facebook, well, I have had a love/hate relationship with that one for years, but now I am at a place where I just find myself “passing through” that way I don’t really get sucked into anything. Re-connecting with old friends is really nice too.

      Like

  4. sabthasblog says:

    This post really feels like what I needed to read. This serial-dating culture is destroying people – it’s been destroying me. All these years I’ve justified it with many excuses. But they are all excuses. At the end of the day I’m not happy doing what I am doing. When one person mistreats me, I go back online to find a “better” match. And so the cycle continues. Of course there is good and bad in everything. And I really don’t think I’m a responsible online-dater. Not that I abuse the system to hurt people anyway, but I hurt myself repeatedly by letter other people treat me like that. It is a viscous cycle that is not healthy. Your post really is an eye-opener! Thank you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so glad you enjoyed it girl! You know, I have had such a positive response from people telling me that this was a real eye-opening post for them. Honestly, it was for me too because when I watched this documentary about this guy, my jaw hit the floor at this guy’s behavior, no joke! Trust me, I DO know about the vicious cycle of a sort of “self-harm” that goes on with online dating, I mean I really do, that’s why I made the extra effort to get the word out. Thank you for reading, and I am so glad that it was helpful to you. ❤

      Like

  5. I have just been able to leave a comment!! I HEART this SOOOO much~! I have tried online dating and it’s total crap, because of men just like the guy in the documentary. They have no intentions of settling down and are just on the net to pick up as many women as they can. But I’ve also been the victim of a scam. It was on the website call Coffee Meets Bagel. And it is supposed to be catered more towards women. You get to choose who you talk too. Not just anyone can write you. I met a guy who told me he was German, lived in Indianapolis, and worked in construction, kind of his own business. We talked by text and on the phone. I was so enthralled with him. The pictures he sent to me was of this 6’0 burly guy with a mustache but he was gorgeous to me! Anyway…. I wrote a blog on it because it left me almost broken….. It being a scam NEVER entered my mind until he asked me to buy an Itunes card…. and then the light switched on. I didn’t buy it, but I started researching it. And sure enough found it was a scam. But I said all this to say that it’s really hard to meet someone how is genuine and genuinely wants a relationship!!! The blog I wrote on it is called “the contamination of expectations” Check it out if you get a chance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! That was some experience that you had! Its so despicable isn’t it? And here I thought the “Coffee Meets Bagel” dating app was supposed to be one of the better ones!! Crazy shit! Anyway, I am SO glad you loved my post this much, I really am. Watching that guy’s story was a real eye-opener for me, and I wanted to put the word out there as to what is REALLY happening when someone doesn’t text/call you back, or in general when it comes to online dating. It seems like its a mess out there!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. “Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them.” – Ah, so true. And sad that many of us (me included), have used this as an easy way out.

    Liked by 1 person

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