You all know it – Open any news app, or basically anything on the internet, and all you see is a bunch of horrible crap. I know some people who actually avoid the News all together just to maintain their sanity, and not make themselves miserable. But with ALL that going on, here I am, chugging along in my own little bipolar world, feeling like a million bucks…..and kinda worried about it.
I woke up at 5am this morning, and I can honestly say that I leaped out of bed like some kind of jack rabbit on crack. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday because I have just been running myself ragged trying to get my whole life in order. Isn’t it amazing that when you put off little things one by one, you find out that not only do they add up, but when you actually attempt to make a dent in fixing the mess you made of your life, you’re like: “Where the Hell do I even Start?” But, that hasn’t stopped me at all though, I have literally taken “being productive” to a whole other psychadelic level, and THEN some.
I am not even going to try to explain to you what kind of focus and drive I have developed in the past few weeks. I have been wracking my brain, (mostly in total disbelief), at how much strength and discipline I have managed to implement for my new mission in life. As far back as I can remember, I have been just whining and complaining about SO MUCH SHIT – “I am not skinny enough, some guy isn’t answering my text/calls, I hate my job, I hate being depressed, I need to drink my sorrows away, and since I am bipolar I may as well stay on the system and totally give up on life because I am too afraid to even try.”
What an endless loop of utter stupidity.
I won’t lie to you when I say, “I feel that the Universe is leaving me clues, because things are totally lining up, just right, and they are so good that I kinda feel that they are TOO good.” Look I am going to be real here – I have had some MAJOR spiritual/psychic/religious/multi-dimensional experiences in my life, and to me, they ALL felt 100% real. Of course, as some of you may know, they locked my ass up, threw me in a psych ward, slapped the label of “bipolar” on me, and pumped me up with almost every medication possible. I am not even kidding either. As a matter of fact, when I went to have my annual psych evaluation with my psychiatrist last month, and he asked me to list the medication I have been on in my life, I literally told him, “don’t bother with a list, just put down ALL of them.”
So now, I find myself in this REALLY good place – like where I am just killin’ it, making moves, being productive, things are lining up JUST right for me, and a little question mark pops up in the back of my mind saying, “you sure you’re not going manic, you crazy bitch?” I am currently on 100mg of Seroquel and .05mg of Klonopin, and I take them both religiously every night at the same time. I can honestly say that it has been an absolute MIRACLE combination of meds for me, but I am still like hmmm…I don’t know about all of this……
Anyway, I also find myself in a place where I am kind of just laughing at things now, in a total “Alanis Morissette – Ironic,” kind of way. I have been reading some really good books on Buddhist practices, mantras and meditation lately and they ALL say, “Everything in the Universe is connected because the Buddha realized that everything is connected. There is only the One. Separateness is an illusion.” Nice right? Okay, now hear me out when I say that when I FELT that, I mean like REALLY felt the connection that Buddha speaks about: I literally found myself walking in the park one day, actually HEARING the tress and the wind speaking to me. When I experienced pure ONENESS with everything in the Universe like the Great Buddha says, in comes the ambulances, police sirens, straitjackets, psych wards, pills, pills and more pills, with my parents crying in the background. Yeah Buddha, explain that one for me will ya? And don’t get me started on my whole rant about the time I heard the voice of Jesus speak to me and I got thrown in a psych ward, when a preacher screams all sorts of shit about hearing the voice of Jesus and everything is A-Okay. Yeah religion, your turn, explain that one for me will ya?
But through all this new kind of learning and self-discovery, I am going to ignore all the fears I have about getting sent back to one of those horrible mental hospitals and just enjoy myself, love myself and spread some of those GOOD VIBES out into the world, because it is in such desperate need of some positivity. I am so thankful for people too, like my fellow Bipolar Warrior over in the UK, for talking to me this morning and putting my mind at ease about this whole thing. He simply said that all I am feeling is just excitement.
Isn’t it sad that when a person has been tormented by mental health professionals and medication for half of their life, FINALLY feels joy, excitement, peace, tranquility, and pure ONENESS – they are almost crippled with fear that it may be another manic episode and its off to the psych ward again? Isn’t it sad, that I am living in fear because things are finally going well?
But I am just going to shrug it off, and dance to the rhythm….because as you all know, it is a FACT that the rhythm is gonna get you. True story. What? You don’t believe that Gloria Estefan had this all shit locked down and figured out? Haha. Man I am totally nuts, and I know it, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.
SPREAD THOSE GOOD VIBES PEOPLE!!!
(And steer clear of psych wards if you can)