Frustration and Anger – How Do You Deal With It In Life?

inner peaceI feel myself very angry these days, and I truly know its unhealthy for me. You’ve all been there right? You know, someone cuts you off in traffic, or maybe just PEOPLE and their general crappy behavior towards you and each other.

Irritability has been my mantra these days, (ugh what kind of friggin’ mantra is that right?), but it has been mine and I know in my heart of hearts, its due to the absolute frustration I have been feeling in my life recently. A lot of it has to do with the fact that since I have been doing EXTREMELY well these days, (with organizing and taking charge of my life), I have this INTENSE FEAR in the back of my mind that things are going a little TOO good and that all of this may be a prelude to a trip back to the psych ward. I understand that all of this is probably complete paranoia, in all its full crazy glory, but you guys have no idea what it’s been like for me ever since I first got diagnosed with “Bipolar Type 1” 14 years ago.

My mother was talking to me this afternoon about what I put our family through over the years – seeing me on the floor of a psych ward, bawling my eyes out and begging for answers and help – all because of a visit to a psychiatrist a few months prior to get some help in dealing with some of my life stressors at the time, which honestly, EVERYBODY deals with at one time or another in their lives. My mother simply said, “I honestly thought he would just talk to you, you know? Maybe give you a pill to help you sleep or something, not push drugs on you that would end up destroying your life.”

And destroy my life it did, oh man, DID IT EVER. After visiting that psychiatrist, the pills he gave me called Lexapro, was a MASSIVE screw up on his part. My current psychiatrist, (an absolute genius and my current hero), said that Lexapro is the worst drug for a person like me. Granted, you can argue that maybe the psychiatrist who gave me the Lexapro didn’t really know that it would affect me so negatively, but you know what? Screw that! He didn’t even take the DAMN time to get to KNOW me and my case, he just threw the drugs at me without even a second thought or care about it, which is angering me and boiling my blood at every word I am typing about it, because in all honesty it is what SO many “so-called mental health professionals/pseudo-psychiatrists” are doing these days, and its so damn sad. My mom was telling me that you can’t even go to a damn doctor anymore, PARENTS can’t even go to a damn doctor for their struggling child anymore either, because the IMMEDIATE answer for all of that is: PILLS, PILLS, PSYCH DRUGS, PSYCH DRUGS, FREAKIN’ DAMN DRUGS as a cure-all for every damn thing!

Breathe Lynn, Breathe.

Anyway, I totally got off topic there. In regards to my frustration and anger, I have been writing a lot about my battle with my Faith and belief in God and Jesus, and how believing in them, or any type of “Divine Feeling of Utter and Total Enlightenment,” can send me straight back to the psych ward. I told my hero yesterday, (my current psychiatrist I mentioned), that I was in a state of PERPETUAL FEAR of going back to the psych ward because I FEEL the presence of God and Jesus showing me the signs of their Infinite Wisdom these days. I FEEL SO enthralled that all these wonderful and AMAZING things are happening, but at the same time, I am being crippled, dare I say, absolutely damn TORTURED, of going back to the psych ward because of all of this enlightenment. How damn sad is that? UGH!! And the fact that SO many amazing people out there PUSH this idea that “the truth of the Buddha is that all things are connected and shown to you as part of God’s plan,” on you as part of their teachings, you know in the words of preachers and gurus and all of that is really FRUSTRATING because I can’t follow it at all. Following the truths of the Lord handed down by priests, or even the wisdom of Buddha one way or the other, leads to disaster for me because these mystical forces hit me so DAMN hard, my mania kicks in, and off to the hospital I go. And I am not going back to any of those horrible places, I can’t, I WON’T!  Those places are so damn traumatizing, that the thought of them is bringing me to tears right now.

So my friends, this is where I am at right now in life – In a state of perpetual fear of the psych ward that is manifesting itself in the form of INTENSE anger and absolute frustration. My best friend even said, “you’re that scared because you had a really good day?” As ridiculous as that sounds, I totally am, and it’s just plain frickin’ sad. I did ask my doctor for a medication increase of the Seroquel I am on yesterday though, (even though I ABSOLUTELY HATE, DESPITE AND DOWNRIGHT LOATHE medication), I mean can you really blame me after what I have been through since that initial trip to that psychiatrist 14 years ago? But, I have to be smart about this. I know something is a bit off because I haven’t been able to get a full 8 hours sleep every night and my mind IS racing A LOT these days, and as you can probably tell, obsessing a bit too, (the whole fear of the psych ward thing).

Today is Day One of the new dosage, and I am doing pretty well. The FEAR of the evil psych ward is STILL there, but not as strong today, and I did manage to get a full night’s sleep last night too. I am also a bit calmer, and my mind is not racing as much, so I can say “so far so good” I suppose, right?

Oh, and as far as the FEAR of feeling enlightenment when God or Jesus speaks to me, well, I had a nice experience when I went out for some fresh air just a few moments ago:

Jesus told me: I know its hard believing sometimes, but don’t stop believing in ME.

Then I simply answered: I won’t Jesus, I won’t.

And after I came inside, I didn’t obsess over it, or think it was my bipolar mania, and “off I go to the psych ward,” and all of that. I was simply grateful and at peace, so much so, I just wanted to come sit down and write to you guys about it – and maybe reach those of you who are struggling with these same kind of issues and help you all find some peace with whatever anger and frustration you are having these days.

God Bless You All – You Are All Such Amazing Warriors.

Stay tuned.

 

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, God and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Frustration and Anger – How Do You Deal With It In Life?

  1. Donnalee says:

    I think you are doing your best. Don’t forget things like eating and drinking enough water and sleeping and exercise, which can help with staying grounded even if you have fear and even if you have spiritual stuff going on. Good luck with it..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thirty says:

    Firstly: it is always good to get a blog entry from you!

    Secondly: here comes my usual diatribe.

    Anger. It’s been an unwelcome part of me for years, now that I am getting a grip on the what the hell it means to be me, I am having the smallest inkling of what it means to be me and who I am. Platitudes. Hate them. Your Dalai Lama quote is spot on. Although, does kinda remind me of Yoda. I have days, not as many as I used to have, where my only emotion was anger. Pure, blood red anger. Not a being caught behind slow people and feeling that someone has inconvenienced me … beyond that. Pure anger. Wanting to tear someone a new one for the simple reason that that person existed.

    I was angry at myself. You know when people say you have three choices: you act one way, one choice, you choose to act in a different, opposite way, second choice, you do nothing: third choice. My anger was at myself for taking the third option; do nothing, let someone else make the decision for me. Now, it is different. I get angry because of how I allow people to make me feel a certain way, a passivity about life.

    I’m not saying “this is how you get over anger”, if I could write that book, I’d be a frikkin millionaire! What I want to say to you is this: it is ok to be angry. Yes, the platitude here is: think twice, speak once.

    When people don’t realise how what YOU have been through makes you feel, when that person (or people) say to you: do you know what you put us through … it is red rag to a bull. Why it happens, I do not know, maybe people want to say: hey, you’re not the only one going through hell. What matters most is listening to what YOU are going through.

    Much kudos and respect to you. It’s too damn late to think more on what I want to say.

    Keep hanging in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your words of wisdom my friend! Your views on “anger” and how you dealt with it , (or dealing with it) is so valuable to me, like more than you even know! I love your approach, truly, and I love the way you articulate how it relates to other people and how you overall feel about it. It’s amazing! I am so thankful that you appreciated what I wrote here, and as for myself on what I want to do from here on out, I KNOW that the more I stop resisting, and just “let things be” I will eventually find peace. Thanks again for all your inspirational words, I will definitely pay it forward and give your blog a look. I mean its the least I could do! ❤

      Like

    • Hmm. That’s funny, I can’t see a blog from you. How do you know me? (Just curious!)

      Like

      • Thirty says:

        Village Thirty One. I’ll double check if you’ve subscribed. If not, I’ll post a link to my blog

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh okay, I got it my friend! I am indeed following your blog! I just got confused a bit because your name here, “Thirty” doesn’t have a direct link to your blog. What I mean is, when I click on your name, it doesn’t send me anywhere. I have a tip for you though, In your Account Settings, you may want to add a link to your name – this way when you comment on someone’s blog they can click on your name when you comment, and it will send them directly to your blog, this way your blog will get more exposure. Just a thought,, you know? Anyway thanks again for reading my friend! ❤

        Like

  3. Revenge of Eve says:

    I have never experienced mania, I don’t think but it always sounds so inviting to me. Crazy? Maybe.. Not full blown mania anyways. I don’t even know how to put in word’s my hypomania. Before it is all over I am going to learn how to put my life in words. It drives me bonkers that I can’t. You explain things so well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww thanks so much Eve for that compliment! You know, I think the reason it seems that I explain things so well is because I have developed a new kind of strategy when I am writing blog posts. What I have been doing is writing a list about what I want to talk about on a piece of paper – sort of like “bullet” points of certain subjects I want to cover in a post, you know what I mean? My thoughts are SO jumbled in my damn head sometimes, and it seems like I have SO much to say, that I just can’t get it all together and written and organized in a way that people can understand it. But with the bullet points (list), I am able to write it all out in a somewhat coherent way. It is kind of an extra step, and you may not have time to do that, but if you are struggling with getting down all your thoughts in an organized way, making a list and using it as a guide for when you post, MIGHT be helpful to you. I mean, its worth a shot right?

      As far as the mania goes, I TOTALLY know what you mean about it sounding inviting. Trust me girl, it is FULL ON euphoria, TIMES 10!! But as much fun as it is, its a one way trip to the psych ward for me, and honestly, I can’t take another hospitalization. I can’t express to you how PAINFUL and traumatizing those places can be, truly. AND what’s worse is they drug you up SO MUCH with SO MANY damn pills that you are in such a state of fog when you get out finally, and it takes FOREVER to rebuild your life to how it was before. It’s horrible, so as much as I love the mania, I am going to have to live without it.

      Anyway, as always Eve, I LOVE your comments and your support. Thanks again for reading! ❤

      Like

  4. Andrea says:

    I was always an angry child, until I started living on my own.
    I choose what to eat, drink, wear, when to go to bed, whom to hang out with. Suddenly I noticed I wasn’t an angry, aggressive person at all.

    I found out that others made me angry.
    My parents are very sweet, but they misunderstood me. I can’t blame them, I wasn’t easy to understand.

    Now I am living with my boyfriend. We both have very little friends which we only meet up once a while, so it’s pretty much the two of us.
    I wouldn’t want to have it any other way!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww Andrea, thanks so much for sharing your story with me! You know, my parents do get on my nerves every once in a while too, but you know, I wouldn’t trade living with them for anything in the world. I left home at 15 and was gone and out of my family’s life for a LONG time.

      I have A LOT of issues that cause me anger, which I mentioned in this post, that stem from what that psychiatrist did to me when I first diagnosed with bipolar disorder all those years ago. I am telling you girl, it LITERALLY destroyed my life. So, its not really living with my parents, or even other people who cause me anger anymore, its more like “things that happened in the past” and certain things about Faith that have me in a perpetual state of anger these days. I realize that I need to let a lot of that go, and move on as best as I can to live a happier life.

      But I am SO thankful to be living with my parents now though. My little sister has moved on and they NEED me now to take care of them as they move into their twilight years. Of course they will never SAY anything about needing help, but they won’t turn down my offer to provide for them so they can live EXTREMELY comfortably and not have a single worry about being abandoned to an Old Folks Home, which to me is a total nightmare and we should NEVER do to our parents as children.

      But anyway, thank you SO much for letting me into your world a bit – I think A LOT of people harbor anger for one reason or another, and it really isn’t good for us, truly. Also, congrats on shackin’ up with your boyfriend! I hope you guys are having a good time enjoying the experience. Thanks for reading! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your post reminds me of something someone told me once: it’s hard to feel good, if you’ve never felt bad. Sometimes, I feel our emotional states are no different than the ebb and flow of coastal waters and they come and go without rhyme or reason – they just are.
    Take comfort that you have support in your psychiatrist, your mom and even a few of us on here. You are a fierce warrior my friend!!!🌸🌼🌸

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awwww my friend you are so unbelievably awesome!!!! Thank you so, so much for your kind wise words which you always seem to know EXACTLY how to provide, truly!!! There is a lot of truth in what you said about, “its hard to feel good if you’ve never felt bad.” That right there is amazing wisdom! But I guess for me its hard to ride the waves of emotion because I feel them SO intensely, you know? I am trying really hard to be more mindful about things though, and with the support of my family and the AMAZING new psychiatrist I have now, it has been a lot easier on me to manage things. Oh, and how could I forget about the INCREDIBLE people I know here on WordPress right?? Haha. But you’re the sweetest, and don’t forget to give yourself credit too my friend. You are such a warrior for holding strong in your battle to keep up your sobriety! All my love my friend! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah, when I’m experiencing “happy moments”, I’m afraid it’s too good to be true sometimes and start wondering if there’s anything I ought to be worrying about! I had Lexapro for a couple of months, it didn’t seem to do anything for me -_-

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Fnu Mnu Lnu says:

    Music.

    Chester showed me that i am not alone in my pain.

    and YOU are not alone either.

    Like

  8. violakaroly says:

    For me, religion is a ticket to psychosis, delusions, etc. When I’m not in that environment, I am fine. For me, it’s the stress of spiritual expectations, rituals, and people who mean well but do more damage than good…for instance, satan causes mental illness and so forth. Without the stress, my brain stays grounded. It’s one big trigger I avoid. At first I felt sad about it…now I feel relief.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s