I feel myself very angry these days, and I truly know its unhealthy for me. You’ve all been there right? You know, someone cuts you off in traffic, or maybe just PEOPLE and their general crappy behavior towards you and each other.
Irritability has been my mantra these days, (ugh what kind of friggin’ mantra is that right?), but it has been mine and I know in my heart of hearts, its due to the absolute frustration I have been feeling in my life recently. A lot of it has to do with the fact that since I have been doing EXTREMELY well these days, (with organizing and taking charge of my life), I have this INTENSE FEAR in the back of my mind that things are going a little TOO good and that all of this may be a prelude to a trip back to the psych ward. I understand that all of this is probably complete paranoia, in all its full crazy glory, but you guys have no idea what it’s been like for me ever since I first got diagnosed with “Bipolar Type 1” 14 years ago.
My mother was talking to me this afternoon about what I put our family through over the years – seeing me on the floor of a psych ward, bawling my eyes out and begging for answers and help – all because of a visit to a psychiatrist a few months prior to get some help in dealing with some of my life stressors at the time, which honestly, EVERYBODY deals with at one time or another in their lives. My mother simply said, “I honestly thought he would just talk to you, you know? Maybe give you a pill to help you sleep or something, not push drugs on you that would end up destroying your life.”
And destroy my life it did, oh man, DID IT EVER. After visiting that psychiatrist, the pills he gave me called Lexapro, was a MASSIVE screw up on his part. My current psychiatrist, (an absolute genius and my current hero), said that Lexapro is the worst drug for a person like me. Granted, you can argue that maybe the psychiatrist who gave me the Lexapro didn’t really know that it would affect me so negatively, but you know what? Screw that! He didn’t even take the DAMN time to get to KNOW me and my case, he just threw the drugs at me without even a second thought or care about it, which is angering me and boiling my blood at every word I am typing about it, because in all honesty it is what SO many “so-called mental health professionals/pseudo-psychiatrists” are doing these days, and its so damn sad. My mom was telling me that you can’t even go to a damn doctor anymore, PARENTS can’t even go to a damn doctor for their struggling child anymore either, because the IMMEDIATE answer for all of that is: PILLS, PILLS, PSYCH DRUGS, PSYCH DRUGS, FREAKIN’ DAMN DRUGS as a cure-all for every damn thing!
Breathe Lynn, Breathe.
Anyway, I totally got off topic there. In regards to my frustration and anger, I have been writing a lot about my battle with my Faith and belief in God and Jesus, and how believing in them, or any type of “Divine Feeling of Utter and Total Enlightenment,” can send me straight back to the psych ward. I told my hero yesterday, (my current psychiatrist I mentioned), that I was in a state of PERPETUAL FEAR of going back to the psych ward because I FEEL the presence of God and Jesus showing me the signs of their Infinite Wisdom these days. I FEEL SO enthralled that all these wonderful and AMAZING things are happening, but at the same time, I am being crippled, dare I say, absolutely damn TORTURED, of going back to the psych ward because of all of this enlightenment. How damn sad is that? UGH!! And the fact that SO many amazing people out there PUSH this idea that “the truth of the Buddha is that all things are connected and shown to you as part of God’s plan,” on you as part of their teachings, you know in the words of preachers and gurus and all of that is really FRUSTRATING because I can’t follow it at all. Following the truths of the Lord handed down by priests, or even the wisdom of Buddha one way or the other, leads to disaster for me because these mystical forces hit me so DAMN hard, my mania kicks in, and off to the hospital I go. And I am not going back to any of those horrible places, I can’t, I WON’T! Those places are so damn traumatizing, that the thought of them is bringing me to tears right now.
So my friends, this is where I am at right now in life – In a state of perpetual fear of the psych ward that is manifesting itself in the form of INTENSE anger and absolute frustration. My best friend even said, “you’re that scared because you had a really good day?” As ridiculous as that sounds, I totally am, and it’s just plain frickin’ sad. I did ask my doctor for a medication increase of the Seroquel I am on yesterday though, (even though I ABSOLUTELY HATE, DESPITE AND DOWNRIGHT LOATHE medication), I mean can you really blame me after what I have been through since that initial trip to that psychiatrist 14 years ago? But, I have to be smart about this. I know something is a bit off because I haven’t been able to get a full 8 hours sleep every night and my mind IS racing A LOT these days, and as you can probably tell, obsessing a bit too, (the whole fear of the psych ward thing).
Today is Day One of the new dosage, and I am doing pretty well. The FEAR of the evil psych ward is STILL there, but not as strong today, and I did manage to get a full night’s sleep last night too. I am also a bit calmer, and my mind is not racing as much, so I can say “so far so good” I suppose, right?
Oh, and as far as the FEAR of feeling enlightenment when God or Jesus speaks to me, well, I had a nice experience when I went out for some fresh air just a few moments ago:
Jesus told me: I know its hard believing sometimes, but don’t stop believing in ME.
Then I simply answered: I won’t Jesus, I won’t.
And after I came inside, I didn’t obsess over it, or think it was my bipolar mania, and “off I go to the psych ward,” and all of that. I was simply grateful and at peace, so much so, I just wanted to come sit down and write to you guys about it – and maybe reach those of you who are struggling with these same kind of issues and help you all find some peace with whatever anger and frustration you are having these days.
God Bless You All – You Are All Such Amazing Warriors.