How many mistakes have you made in your life? Could you count them all up and revisit them now? Would it be painful for you? Or would it be empowering? I have seen myself through other people’s eyes and words these past few weeks, and it made me come face to face with an alarming truth just yesterday. A wonderful new blogger, The Chapstick Switch (who I just followed and has amazing work), reblogged this post of mine from April 14, 2017, Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me. In that post, I completely give up – I mean REALLY and UTTERLY give up. I throw my hands up in complete frustration and defeat, and BEG my Bipolar Illness to murder me, in what turns out to be an epic plea to the God Almighty Himself for Forgiveness in the end.
I can’t tell you what reading that post did to me – bringing me back to that place that I was in almost a year ago, and in turn looking at my life now, and how MUCH I have achieved and accomplished since being in that sad, helpless place. One of the things I did after writing that post last year, was change my psychiatrist. I hit a wall with the current one I had, and even though I had stuck with him for a while, he REALLY wasn’t a good doctor. He was young, probably fresh out of med-school, no older than 35 (maybe), trying to help a patient like me, who quite frankly was WAY out of his league to try to diagnose with medication. He was very much “by the book” and treated me like a “patient,” which meant that the environment of his office was very “sterile,” almost like a hospital. I realized back then that I needed a confidante, a friend, an older and much wiser psychiatrist to treat me for my Bipolar 1 disorder, not this young kid who really didn’t know what the HELL he was doing. So, I did just that, and changed doctors.
That was the turning point, the plot twist, the epic CLIMAX of my story AND journey that is unfolding here with you at this present moment.
This new doctor, (my hero), is a wonderful Christian man, who LISTENS to everything I say carefully – listens to all the nonsense that goes on in my clouded mind, and suggests actions we can take to help me correct some of the chaos that I have been suffering with for years. He suggested last summer (2017) that I try Seroquel, an older drug, that serves mostly as a mood-stabilizer, rather than the Haldol, (anti-psychotic), that I was on for nearly a decade. The change to Seroquel ended up working wonders, I am talking Miracle type shit, and the fog and craziness of my Bipolar Life suddenly started to make sense. I now find myself a million miles away from the woman who wrote, Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me just a year ago. I should note that this GENIUS new doctor told me how OLDER medications, not these new “improved” drugs that are being flooded into the Mental Health market, are the BETTER choice for most patients. Just another example of how “old school” remedies are ALWAYS the best.
Anyway, I am here with you now, in a SOLID frame of mind ready to throw down some epic literature with you in this post.
I watched a movie yesterday called Winter’s Tale and JESUS CHRIST, I bawled like a baby throughout the entire film. The words “unbelievable” and “fantastical” don’t do this film justice, and if you were to research this movie, you will find that the 13% Rotten Tomatoes Score as well as other reviews, showed an overall negative rating from most audiences. And Black Panther is now known as the BEST MOVIE EVER?? Excuse me while I roll my GODDAMN eyes please. In a world where today’s society is lacking deep thoughts, critical thinking, and profound respect and admiration of the beauty of literature, I can’t say that I am surprised at how badly Winter’s Tale was received.
Anyway, since the revelation of how my journey has unfolded this past year, from that blog post last year, to the new doctor and new life changing medication, I think watching Winter’s Tale last night has put things into a brand new perspective for me during this new AMAZING time in my life.
So now, I submit to you some of my favorite quotes from the movie, (Winter’s Tale is actually a film adaptation of the BRILLIANT novel by Mark Helprin):
“All great discoveries…are products as much of doubt as of certainty, and the two in opposition clear the air for marvelous accidents.”
“…to be paid for one’s joy is to steal.”
And I will now make a special tribute to those who are reading, in which the quotes I choose below will make sense to each of you right now in your individual lives:
To all those who love the beauty of horses and animals:
“He moved like a dancer, which is not surprising; a horse is a beautiful animal, but it is perhaps most remarkable because it moves as if it always hears music.”
To the truth seekers of the world:
“The beauty of truth is that it need not be proclaimed or believed. It skips from soul to soul, changing form each time it touches, but it is what it is, I have seen it, and someday you will, too.”
To the naysayers who don’t believe:
“If nothing is random, and everything is predetermined, how can there be free will? The answer to that is simple. Nothing is predetermined; it is determined, or was determined, or will be determined.”
To those who are lonely:
“Lonely people have enthusiasms which cannot always be explained. When something strikes them as funny, the intensity and length of their laughter mirrors the depth of their loneliness, and they are capable of laughing like hyenas. When something touches their emotions, it runs through them like Paul Revere, awakening feelings that gather into great armies.”
To those who face The Madness like I do:
“To be mad is to feel with excruciating intensity the sadness and joy of a time which has not arrived or has already been. And to protect their delicate vision of that other time, madmen will justify their condition with touching loyalty, and surround it with a thousand distractive schemes. These schemes, in turn, drive them deeper and deeper into the darkness and light (which is their mortification and their reward), and confront them with a choice. They may either slacken and fall back, accepting the relief of a rational view and the approval of others, or they may push on, and, by falling, arise. When and if by their unforgivable stubbornness they finally burst through to worlds upon worlds of motionless light, they are no longer called afflicted or insane. They are called saints.”
And finally, when you are at The Absolute End of Your Time Here On Earth:
“They gave themselves up to the stars the way swimmers can surrender to the waves, and the stars took them without resistance.”
The story, Winter’s Tale, basically says that all life here on Earth end with our souls being placed among the stars.
It is where our Bipolar Hero, Carrie Fisher looks down at us from.
And it is where the Mathematical and Revolutionary Hero, Stephen Hawking looks down at us from now too. I would hope the Stars that he loved so PASSIONATELY is now his final resting place. Don’t you?