I Am Sharing With You My Story, That Will Rock The Very Foundation of What You Thought About Mental Illness and The Work Of God.

Brown Eyes

Nice catchy title huh? No seriously. Have you ever wondered if people with Mental Illness have a close connection with God? I mean like they’re special? It is a known FACT, that for a Bipolar Person, Mania, is usually the driving force in this belief that somehow we are “gifted,” we are “special” in the eyes of the Lord.

I am going to share with you my personal story, from start to finish, of WHAT I went through in my epic battle of Bipolar Disorder. From Day One. It’s is actually in a form of a chat, because it dawned on me, as I tried to rest my mind tonight after all the CRAZY CRAP that has gone on for the last three days, that I sat here and actually made a DETAILED record of my amazing life story in a conversation with AN AMAZING guy I know. I am on a chat program called Paltalk, and I am not even going to lie to you and deny what an EPIC asshole I am, truly. Don’t laugh, but my name is “Articulately Sexual” on there. Yes, I am not LYING AT ALL, that is my actual chat handle. I won’t even start to go into detail of how much fun I have with a chat name like this. The obvious bait, is the “Sexual,” part, naturally. And when the losers of the chat world see it, you all KNOW they automatically head straight for one thing. My utter enjoyment, and absolute celebration of power for women EVERYWHERE, is the following line that I give men that say some nonsense in regard to my name: “What makes you think you are worthy enough to message me? I demand proper grammar and punctuation and grammar when you address me, anything less is WAY below me” HAHA! Can I rock or can’t I? Let me tell you what kind of utter ANGER ensues after that, but you know Paltalk has a nice way of turning down a private message, so that way if they want to respond, (which is most likely some horrific demeaning insult), I just simply click “Do not Accept Message” and go along my merry way. Fun ain’t it? Who said chatting was dead?? HAHA!!

Anyway, I always seem to go off on some ridiculous tangent somehow, but I present to you my life story, from beginning to end, in chat form for your reading pleasure. Now I am going to warn you, this is some really CRAZY shit, and even when I was typing it all out to him, I was like OMG, did all this stuff REALLY happen? Look out below!

========== Mar 27 10:42 PM ==========

 Jersey_T: Hello!

 Articulately Sexual: Hello!

 Jersey_T: how are you doin?

 Articulately Sexual: I’m alright man. I had a REALLY hard day man. Like it was really bad.

 Jersey_T: damn. I m sorry to hear it!

 Jersey_T: wanna tell me about it!

 Jersey_T: ?

 Articulately Sexual: It’s okay. Well are you willing to listen? I mean I have treated you horribly and been a complete bitch to you. I mean I would be grateful if you took some time to spend with me tonight and talk about it.

 Jersey_T: yeah. it s all good

 Articulately Sexual: Okay.

 Jersey_T: ???

 Articulately Sexual: Well first off let me come clean with you, I DON’T work in Human Resources and Finance. I DID at one time in my life but that was YEARS ago, I think everything fell apart in 2004. I was working for the Yale Club of New York City, and its EXACTLY how it sounds. It was an alumni for the prestigious Ivy League Yale University who had a private establishment set up across from Grand Central Station. If you have ever exited out at the Vanderbilt Avenue exit, (you know up the steps like by the clock, you know what I mean?) you would have DEFINITELY spotted it. It was there since like the 1900s I think and when I tell you THEY HAD MONEY. Like I met people like George Bush Jr. Rudy Guiliani, Bill Clinton and EVEN Trump a few times believe it or not. As a matter of fact the Yale Club hosted MANY of his events that coordinated with Trump Tower. The Yale Club was directly on Vanderbilt Avenue. As a matter of fact the address is 50 Vanderbilt Avenue if you want to Google it, I worked there from 1999-2004 or so I think. Do you think you know of it?

 Jersey_T: yes! I have heard of it

 Jersey_T: I m not gonna lie, I don t know the ins and outs of it but yes I ve heard

 Articulately Sexual: Nice! Anyway, I held a very successful psotion. I was the Payroll Coordinator and I reported directly to the Director of Human Resources at the time. It was me and another girl there, Melanie, we both were the Payroll Coordinators of the Department. I mean that was our “offical titles” but you know The Director of Human Resources had NO ONE, it was just him and the two of us under him to handle EVERYTHING, I mean like benefits, 401K, Medical, Vacation/Sick/ (keepign track and letting employees know what they had and GOD they were SUCH a pain in the ass calling and calling asking for shit when me and Melanie were trying to tackle our MASSIVE workload you know? Anyway, in addition to that we PROCESSED the payroll, EVERY SINGLE week, and when I tell you, these mother*ckers wanted to save a SHIT ton of money, by ditching the ADP service, and brought the ENTIRE PAYROLL INHOUSE. Can I tell you it was JUST me and Melanie trying to do this WHOLE NEW SHIT of cutting 300 checks processing the payroll, (we printed them in our office), handling all our responsibilites IN ADDITION to f*cking people being annoying as shit. So as you can tell the stress level of this job was ridiculous!! Are you with me so far?

 Jersey_T: yes I am

 Jersey_T: that s a LOT!!!!!

 Articulately Sexual: I know!!! It was horrible!! And I don’t want to get into the frustration we felt. Now she was a Filipino woman and I was this exotic chick so you know, I don’t have to tell you that these powerful white men of The Yale Club could give two f*cks about any kind of raises or bonuses for us. It was HARD let me tell you. Despite the stressors of the job, well in addition to I had a REAL asshole boyfriend at the time. HE WAS HORRIBLE let me tell you. He was an absolute sociopath that strung me along for five years, told me shit like “I love you but I am not “in” love with you” nonsense, and basically my sexy 120 pound GORGEOUS exotic 24 year self at the time was ABSOLUTELY TORTURED with low self-esteem because the way he did it to me, HE MADE ME FEEL that I was not good enough, AT ALL. I was so depressed so sad, so MISERABLE in addition to this overwhelming job. Are you still with me?

 Jersey_T: wowwww

 Jersey_T: I HATEEEEE hearing shit like that!!!

 Jersey_T: I m sorry to hear that. pisses me off

 Articulately Sexual: I know honey I know, it was absolutely horrible and a complete and utter nightmare for me. But you wanna know something? ALL THAT HORRIBLE SHIT is the GOOD part of this INSANE story of a life of mine, truly.

 Jersey_T: nahhhh don t tell me that

 Articulately Sexual: Yup it is. TRUST ME when I tell you that.

 Jersey_T: I m very sorry!!!!

 Jersey_T: it seems like you ve gotten a lot of your confidence back though

 Articulately Sexual: It’s okay. Oh I totally have, AND THEN SOME!!! But what happened next is the REALLY sad AND HORRIBLE PART. I told Melanie my woes and my mom and they suggested (like most people do) that I go see a psychiatrist to help with my depression. Jesus F*cking Christ when I tell you THAT was the mistake that COST ME EVERYTHING, my amazing career, the man I loved, (who was shitty anyway), my aparment, my sanity, my soul, and nearly my life.

 Jersey_T: Holy shit!!

 Jersey_T: well losing the man you loved was probably a blessing

 Jersey_T: still there?

 Articulately Sexual: Oh I know it was, well now anyway you know? But not at the time. Anyway, this doctor, this shitty f*cking horrible doctor, who honestly if I COULD REMEMBER HIS NAME I would have sued the ass off this completely reckless heartless mother*cker. Seriously! I sat in his office, and we started talking about what was bothering me. I started to cry, BAWL in pain and anguish. And do you know what this mother*cker did? He twisted his face lost his patience with me, slammed down his notepad, and gave me a box of samples of Lexapro. Basicallly he threw the shit at me to shut me the f*ck up from crying. Seriously. He didn’t care to listen to me, didn’t care to LEARN ABOUT BEING bipolar, (which is my diagnosis now, which PROBABLY isn’t because this mother*cker cursed my ass with this HORRIBLE mental illness because of the shitty thing that he did). What happened next was an ABSOLUTE nightmare. The Lexapro, that I took without question, I mean how the hell was I supposed to know? HE was the doctor right? He was the one who should have handled me with care. God I hope that mother*cker died a horrible mieserabole f*cking death, LET ME TELL YOU. What happened next after i took the Lexapro, was complete and utter mania, psychosis, hallucinations and delusions. It tormented me TORTURED me, till I lost everything, absolutely EVERYTHING I MENTIONED, and I went through the entire YEAR of 2004-2005 in psych ward after psych ward, in nad out, over and over againk, probably a total of 20 f*cking times that year!! They gave me SO MANY F*CKING drugs, they called me bipolar, they called me schitzophrenic, they gave me every f*cking diagnossi under the sun that tortured my very essence, soul and overall existence. When I tell you, that BEAUTIFUL 24 year hard working successful career woman was COMPLETELY and utterly broken, is an absolute understatement honey. And you wanna know the MOST F*CKED UP THING out of all of that??? I NEVER IN MY LIFE expeienced ANY f*cking halllucinations, delusions, psychoiss ANYTHING CLOSE to that in my entire f*ciking life BEFORE that mother*cker just recklessly threw that Lexapro at me. God I am in tears now in utter pain, you need to give me a second. Goddammit.

 Jersey_T: wowwwwwwwww

 Articulately Sexual: Are you still there?

 Jersey_T: yes I am

 Jersey_T: I m pissed!

 Jersey_T: you should be able to find records and find out who the Dr is

 Articulately Sexual: I just needed a second. I know honey, I know it was so unbelievably horrible it really truly was. You know, I can’t even try anymore. I learned to let that go because you know what? The next 13 years that followed WERE UTTER AND COMPLETE torture. I mean I went in and out of the psych ward for YEARS after that, unable to get a grip on what was happening to me, slapped with a f*cked up label called “bipolar disorder” which I am sorry to say has a F*CKING horrible stigma that people f*cking use EVERY day to hurt people with. I mean you know? “bitch be texting me too much that bitch bipolar as f*ck” ” “the weather is so bipolar today hahaha and all this HORRRIBLE f*cking nonsesne. Can I tell you what that has DONE to me over the past 13 years? Can I tell you that I broke BOTH my mother and father down to tears when they watched their Beautiful BRILLIANT and successful daughter be reduced to some drugged up guinea pig crawling on the floor of psych ward BEGGING the doctors to just f*cking kill me just do it already, just do it. My mother admitted to me recently that her and her mother, My AMAZING grandmother who recently passed away cried and cried day and night praying to GOD to save me to save my soul. When I tell you that I F*CKING SWALLOWED ALL THE PILLS one day and SUCCESSFULLY killed myself in an overdose that they brought me back and when I got out I literally SPENT AN ENTIRE YEAR in a deep depression in which I didn’t leave my f*cking bed at ALL. And god when I tell you it doesn’t even end there.

 Jersey_T: Mental illness is tough and when a Dr f*cking abuses his profession and ruin s someone s life it is absolutely tragic

 Jersey_T: but I m glad you were resuscitated and brought back

 Jersey_T: it wasn t your time!

 Jersey_T: still there?

 Articulately Sexual: Thank you. My family was very thankful too you know? He did honey, he absolutely SENTENCED my ass to an ENTERNITY of bipolar disorder and mental illness, he truly did. I know it wasn’t my time. I know it wasn’t trust me I do. And you know what’s funny? I came out of that horrible depression, I think I was about 26 at the time, you know lost some weight got all sexy again, and found a job, a good job too. And I was okay for a while. And things were looking really good, because my parents actually bought a BEAUTIFUL house in Valley Stream on Long Island where I live now, and I was on my way to a healthy life. I don’t know if you believe in this or not, but the f*cking DEVIL and HELL is REAL. Because when I tell you, when I moved I was about 28, I was TWO F*CKING YEARS RECOVERED and MED FREE I was taking NO F*CKING pills at the time at ALL, the symptoms, the mania, the psychosis, hallucinations, delusions ALL THAT SHIT CAME BACK!! I mean God Almighty help my soul when I telll you that when we were FRESHLY MOVED IN we didn’t even f*cking unpack yet in our new house, my f*cking crazy ass was roaming around our brand new neighborhood roaming around knocking on doors FREAKING out our new fucking neighbors, and landed my ass STRAIGHT BACK in the mother*cking psych ward,. That mother*cking doctor sentenced me to DEATH he really did, because whatever the f*ck was in that Lexapro changed my BRAIN chemistry FOREVER. FOR F*CKING EVER. Jesus F*cking Christ when I tell you I had to submit myself, reduce myself to living on f*cking disabilty like some kind of f*cking waste of space loser, and take my meds every day, “like a good patient” words can’t describe my torment after that day i was releaed from Franklin Square Medical Center in my BRAND new neightborhood of Valley Stream, THE SHAME my parents and sister had to endure because of that craziness I did. UGH. And in 2008 to now, I am STILL on disabilty. I actaully suffered greatly between 2008-2017, last summer I changed doctors at the Counseling Center that I go to, because of course I had an asshole doctor for like 5 f*cking years, that was fresh out of med school about 30 years old, did everything by the book and honestly really didn’t give a f*ck about my recovery. Last summer I changed doctors to this really funny, Oh god he makes me laugh! older wiser Filopino Christian man, VERY religious, which i have to say is God’s way of finally showing me his Grace and saving my life for all the suffering I have gone though, truly. When I tell you he changed my meds from Haldol, (an antipsychotic that I was on for ten years and didn;’t do shit really) to Seroquel an older drug that he trusts, (he is so old school and he is VERY SMART And wise and told me that the older drugs are the best and he really doesn’t trust the newer shit. When I tell you this amazing man was sent to be by God to save my life and give me this miracle Seroquel drug, (which happens to be just like a mood stablizer reeally), it UTTERLY saved my life, gave back my strenght and confidence and THIS IS WHY I am the MIGHTY powerhouse woman that I have become now, truly my friend.

 Jersey_T: Great!!!!!

 Jersey_T: I m glad you re feeling great and MIGHTY!!!!

 Jersey_T: that s awesome

 Jersey_T: e

 Articulately Sexual: What do you think, should I write a book or something? Haha!

 Jersey_T: Great pics. even showin a lil cleavage to be sexy. hahaha

 Jersey_T: I m sure you d have plenty to write!!!!

 Articulately Sexual: Haha, so that’s my story as raw anf as real as I can get with you. AND I didn’t even tell you about my hard day!!!

 Jersey_T: lol. I was gonna say, what about the day!?!?

 Jersey_T: but thank you for opening up

 Jersey_T: I know it must be hard

 Articulately Sexual: No problem truly. I am really sorry I am such an asshole sometimes really. Like I treated you badly the last time we talked that was TRULY horrible. But I am like a POWERHOUSE you know? Like my overall confidence and self-esteem is like UBBELIEVABLY ridiculously high like it borders in complete pompus and arrogance sometimes you know? But I gotta remember, I MUST remember to bring it down to Earth and count all the wonderful blessings I have and be kind to others. I truly must,. Its my mission, Its the mission God saved me and is telling me to do my friend.

 Jersey_T: yeah. I get it. I don t pass judgement on people

 Jersey_T: and I don t know what people have going on in their lives so I don t like to be rude

 Jersey_T: honestly you were pretty bitchy but what does it benefit anyone for me to talk shit back?

 Articulately Sexual: I know and you shouldn’t. I know you are a good person. You know how I knew IMMEDIATELY, how I could spend some time with you tonight. Because a friend, a friend I THOUGHT I had was online here, and you know, after all we have been through, that mother*cker didn’t even send me a message to see how I was doing? When you ALWAYS have messaged me and checked up on me no matter what you know? I KNEW right then that YOU were the person to open up to and talk to tongiht, and that f*cking asshole is offiline now and coming the f*ck off my list.

 Jersey_T: yeah. that s a shame

 Jersey_T: most people are here to get a nut or see some titties

 Jersey_T: and even if not, a lot don t respect people on here

 Articulately Sexual: EXACTLY! And you know what my friend, me and that GUY that I just mentioned used to cyber sex all the f*cking time you know? And that’s what he’s about, that’s what MOST of them are about really

 Jersey_T: yeah. if you re not benefitting him then you have nothing for him

 Jersey_T: that s f*cked up

 Articulately Sexual: I know it is trust me I do. Can I ask do you trust me?

 Jersey_T: trust you in what way?

 Articulately Sexual: Like with your first name? (you dont have to share your last), or maybe even like an email, or maybe Facebook if you want? I would like for you to support me in my journey and cause. I have a blog on WordPress, and I have to be honest, has BLOWN the hell up since my medication change and now that I am doing God’s work. If I give you the website to my blog, will you follow it and sign up for the email alerts? Can you support me? I would REALLY appreciate any help you can give me my friend. My name is Lynn by the way, just so you know.

 Jersey_T: Yes. I remember your name!

 Jersey_T: I trust you I just have to be careful

 Jersey_T: not sure if you remember, I m married

 Jersey_T: I got rid of FB because of some shit and don t want to relive that

 Jersey_T: My name is (Blank)

 Articulately Sexual: Haha great! Oh I understand your concern truly I do. I remember that you are married I do. I know. Its no problem at all. What is your name? Ok no Facebook. Got it.

 Jersey_T: but I d love to follow your journey and keep in touch

 Articulately Sexual: Okay nice to meet you (blank). Okay here is my blog. Are you on a computer? http://unchained-heart.com

 Jersey_T: I know you have ups and downs. I m sure we ll have our

 Jersey_T: moments here

 Articulately Sexual: thats’ it. Follow me! Thank you@

 Jersey_T: I will do!

 Articulately Sexual: Do you promise you will keep up with my blog?

 Jersey_T: only if you have naked pics there

 Jersey_T: Hahahaha. kidding

 Jersey_T: sure I will!

 Articulately Sexual: Haha, sorry, but I can give you some substitutes! Hold on while I google some!

 Jersey_T: Hahahaha

 Jersey_T: no thanks

 Jersey_T: I can do that on my own

 Jersey_T: have plenty of porn links. Hahahaha

 Articulately Sexual: Haha so DO I!!!

 Jersey_T: Hahahaha perfect!!

 Jersey_T: nothing wrong with that

 Articulately Sexual: i know there isn’t. Didn’t you check out my profile with the rooms I follow? When I tell you that Men Wanking Room is as FUN as hell I ain’t even joking! The WOMEN are SO friendly and so AMAZING!! These bitches in the Flirting Zone are one some high horse f*cking shit, let me tell you!

 Jersey_T: hahahahaha

 Jersey_T: yeah I like that room

 Jersey_T: has the most titties

 Articulately Sexual: Isn’t that something though? Anyway, let me FINALLY get to my hard day. Part of my advocacy work, has been to promote awareness for Mental Health. There is a site I linked on my blog called “PsychCentral” that has been around for 20 years, the owner and creator of this amazing site, I call him DocJobn, allowed me to have my blog featured on his AMAZING website. I was honored, humbled, because for SIX years I have been a veteran of his site, with more than 22,000 posts under my belt! I have done amazing work!

 Jersey_T: Wowwwwwwww 22,000

 Articulately Sexual: I KNOW!!!!

 Articulately Sexual: Anyway, I know I have gone on and on for almost two hours and I am starting to get tired, so I am going to wrap this up. I have had shit come at me recently (blank). That f*cking Devil Satanic shit I spoke about earlier. FOR THREE DAYS, I have had THREE instances of EVIL people F*CKING WITH ME HORRIBLY and causing me excrutiating emotional pain. When I tell you that for the past three days, I have been cryinng and crying, fighting and fighiing trying to hold it the f*ck together and not have a total meltdown while this sinsiter shit has been happening to me, its been REALLY horrible my friend.

 Jersey_T: well you have held it together

 Jersey_T: you re f*ckin tough!!!!

 Jersey_T: so when it gets hard, Dig in and fight that shit!

 Jersey_T: and keep fighting

 Jersey_T: keep doing what s good

 Jersey_T: battle and battle and battle because the alternative is no good

 Jersey_T: don t be afraid to reach out to those for help

 Articulately Sexual: Man I got armor like F*CK you know!! But if I am honest with you, at the core of my being my essence is incredibly pure and beautiful and soft. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE IN MY HEART its almost feels like it is BUSTING from me, you know? And these attacks have tested my faith, my strength, and this devil type shit REALLY f*cked with me HARD. And if it weren’t for the ENDLESS amount of AMAZING friends I have in my life, my TWO men in my life that absolutely love me unconditionally, (that’s a long story for another time haha), I would have fallen apart. But it was some EVIL shit let me tell you!

 Jersey_T: that s great!

 Jersey_T: I m sure your heart is very pure

 Jersey_T: I can tell you re full of passion

 Jersey_T: who are the 2 men?

 Articulately Sexual: Don’t worry about that right now. That’s for another time, don’t worry you’ll get the juicy details, we have time, especially if I hold you to that promise of staying in touch and supporting me and following my blog!! Anyway, the first attack is in the year I have been blogging, and helping others, this EVIL sick son of a bitch trolled my blog in the comments section. It really wasn’t a big deal but it REALLY hurt me at the time at the shit he said. If you read my blog (and I hope you do), its the post I wrote about “All types of Addiction and How Society is Addicting to ALMOST everything and that setting time limits with structure can BREAK that cycle and help enrich your life. IT was a brilliant post and i had SO MANY comments of poeple who I helped and LOVED my idea and this asshole had to shit all over it with his hateful shit. And it isn’t as easy as just blocking him either. You will see if you read, that this asshole MADE ANOTHER F*CKIGN ACCOUNT and commented further. You know I didn’t even block the one he originally started f*cking with me on, Cause you know what? That’s how sociopaths work my friend, that’s how trolls operate,. THEY are relentless!

 Jersey_T: yeah. just block those no good mother f*ckers out

 Jersey_T: pay them no mind

 Jersey_T: they wanna bring you down from the success you are achieving

 Jersey_T: keep being successful

 Articulately Sexual: Nah, honey, not in my nature. THAT’S MY f*cking blog, I own the domain, I POUR MY HEART Into it, let them come honey, let them come by the f*cking THOUSANDS, I will fight EVERY single one to the DEATH, I am done being passive and looking the other way. F*ck that shit. God put me on this Earth with the strength he blessed me with to go to F*CKING war with EVIL shit in this world in the defense of others, and that is EXACTLY what I have been doing!!!

 Jersey_T: ok. well don t let it take your energy from doing good

 Jersey_T: you re a tough lady

 Jersey_T: I like that

 Jersey_T: still with me?

 Articulately Sexual: No its hasn’t. It really hasn’t. But you know, that evil shit is trying to break me. Anyway, I am going to cut this shorter, (I keep saying that ugh) and say that I have a friend of 20 years that I have done so much for, I am too tired to tell you how this bitch f*cking hurt me, but when I called her to make plans for her birthday, (she never picks up a goddamn phone and EVER calls my ass by the way in the whole 20 damn years go figure), and she is in this f*cked up toxic controlling relationship that honestly I KNEW was gonna be a complete shitshow. But I went to lunch with her and her boyfreind just sunday, Palm sunday go figure there, and you know, this mother*cker really tested my patience. I had asked Sandy, that since her bf was in from Chicago, (they have had a long distance thing for 4 years), that we should do our own birthday celebration when hes gone, (her actual birthday was Monday), anyway, she f*cking goes and tells me that her bf really wants to get together with all three of us god knows f*cking why she is my MY damn friend I don’t need to spend time with his stupid ass, anyway, the condition was that I would go with them IF she PROMISED me we would get together in May, (its warmer and my old neighborhood in Forest Hills Queens is AMAZING, and they have a place there called The Irish Cottage where you can sit outside drink and whatever, with a movie theater on the corner so we can see the new Avengers movie Infinity War. You with me?

 Jersey_T: yes. I m here

 Jersey_T: does he want a three way?

 Articulately Sexual: No nothing like that.

 Jersey_T: I m not quite sure with that

 Jersey_T: oh ok

 Jersey_T: just hang out

 Articulately Sexual: Anyway, whatever, I went Sunday with them to Flushing and we went to have Korean BBQ which I never had, (she’s Chinese) and it was fun, until two things happened. One, he SHOT HER THE NASTIEST f*cking look when I asked her about the plans in May I just told you about that she F*CKING Promised me, god that bitch, and she put her head down and said, “I think I am going out to Chicago in May” Jesus f*cking Christ. AND I went on to explain that I took a Civil Service Exam for Nassau County for a “Personnel Clerk” I mean is the f*cking Universe in my favor or what? And I took the test in January, because a government job would solidify my benefits and ease my worry of getting off the disabilty losing it forever and being in more trouble, in my attempt to go back to work full time. I took the test in January and it takes six months to hear back. I should hear something in June, and when she smiled and said, “Lynn is going to get a government job” and this asshole goes on and literally SCREAMS in the middle of the restaurant, ” WHEN THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN YOU WON’T GET ANY MONEY” Like WTF God Almighty help me that I didn’t slap the shit out of this asshole then and f*cking there.

 Jersey_T: wow. sounds like a real f*cking loser!!!!

 Jersey_T: I hate f*ckers like that

 Articulately Sexual: Oh god honey it was awful, can you see what I have been dealing with, and this is just the second f*cking thing! UGH!! Anyway, when I dropped them both off I texted her, “I made it home safe, had fun, can’t wait till we have our get together in May, love you” Can I tell you this bitch NEVER f*cking answered my text and its TUESDAY?? And let me not get started on the fact that HE ANSWERS her texts, HE answered HER f*cking phone when I was waiting downstairs in my car, like OMG I really f*cking lost it all Sunday night.

 Jersey_T: wow

 Jersey_T: that s a shame for her

 Jersey_T: I feel bad for people like that

 Jersey_T: hate when mother*ckers take advantage of others!!!!!

 Jersey_T: I like Chinese girls too. lol

 Articulately Sexual: Like Goddamit honey, really!!!!!???? You know, I feel for her too, but I have a lot of hate in my heart. I am too tired to even go into the fact that I DROPPED everything in my life and came to her rescue and drove out to Queens and took her to get THREE f*cking abortions. Count them. THREE f*cking abortions. This bitch literally had me at her f*cking beck and call like some kind of loser, and SHE CAN’T ANSWER MY F*CKING TEXT???? Excuse me while I totally not give a f*ck and not feel sorry for her ass one f*cking bit.

 Jersey_T: yeah. I can see where you re coming from. but that s a mentally f*cked up individual there

 Jersey_T: she has some issues

 Jersey_T: you re a good person

 Jersey_T: went all out for her

 Articulately Sexual: I know And can I tell you something. Now this is where I get worried about the Bipolar and the mania and the delusions shit. Sunday night, ALL F*CKING NIGHT I had visions, arguments in my head of Ed (her shitty bf) SCREAMING at Sandy about me and saying the most HORRIBLE shit about me. When I tell you I laid down on the floor of my room and BAWLED MY EYES OUT SCREAMING that mom came rushing in to console me cause I literally felt my HEART PAIN me, like REAL serious pain in my heart you know? God I am tearing up again!! Ugh I’m such a wuss. Lol.

 Jersey_T: no you re not!!!!!! you re a passionate person!!!

 Jersey_T: a lot of caring in your heart

 Articulately Sexual: I know, I really know you know. Anyway, I cried and cried like omg all the way up until Monday, (just yesterday) and this where PsychCentral comes in and the FINAL conclusion to this epic saga of mine. Its a support site for mental health right? So, I made a thread explaining what happened with Sandy, and I had an overwhelming outpouring of support on the thread. AND finally honey, the third and final test of the Devil himself on me in the past three f*cking days, there was ONE f*cking asshole, who said something REALLY shitty and HORRIBLE on the thread. I know, like ALL OF my friends said, just ignore him. Trust me, i have dealt with trolls but THIS one, has had a HISTORY of fighting on arguing on PsychCentral. And honestly the moderators did nothing about this mother*cker for MONTHS now, as I have been watching him fighting and shitting all over peoples cries for help on that site. I mean people go there who are suicidal begging for help and you still have this evil mother*cker running around for months? LIKE WTF. So I took care of it last night. In fact. I THNK I might have a saved bit of what I said, I had copied and pasted it to someone last night too His name is Talybus some shit, I think I can paste it, its long and might come out jumbled but do your best.

 Articulately Sexual: Quote:

 Originally Posted by Talthybius

 I would try to talk with some of Sandy’s friends about this, if at all possible.

 As I understand it, you met each other 20 years ago. But Sandy has been with this guy the last 4 years and exactly that period of time you haven’t been in contact with her.

 She won’t just end a 4 year relationship because her old friend she just started talking to again says she should.

 One solution is to just stop worrying about it. It is her relationship, not yours.

 Second is to ask if you are really being as objective about this as you think you are. So for that, you need to confirm what you think with that what others around Sandy think.

 Then the option would be to first prove you are a good friend once again. Once you have done that and Sandy hasn’t brought this up with you, you try to find the right moment to gently get a sense of what she thinks about if her boyfriend is controlling or not.

 On the short term maybe Sandy’s actual best friend can confront her in a firmer way. But of course that friend then must be willing to do that and somehow be emboldened by you to now actually do so.

 Only other option is that you tell her than you cannot bear to see her with this guy and that she can contact you again when that guy is no longer part of her life.

 But like I said, this all seems kind of sudden. Obviously, you don’t like him and you judge him harshly, maybe unfairly. There is a difference between him making Sandy happy while they have a relationship you don’t approve of and making Sandy change into a person you don’t recognize. And him being so controlling and abusive that Sandy is slowly wilting away.

 I suggest you also look at yourself. Obviously, all this triggered a lot of emotions in you. So maybe Sandy now has these two people rage over her attention.

 Once in my life I had a friend who did something I strongly disapproved off. When I learned it I called her and she said ‘Yes, all my friends are saying the same thing. No one is supporting me in this.’ We all knew that what she was doing was wrong for her, but we had no way to help her.

 Sometimes you need to allow friends to make mistakes so they can learn from them.

MY RESPONSE:

 Thank you very much for your comment Talthybius.

 Sandy, herself, has told me on COUNTLESS occasions that it is just her and her boyfriend in her life. No one else. She doesn’t have any outside friends, and her ACTUAL best friend in the whole wide world is, in fact ME and me alone.

 Now, I find your comment very hurtful. You are telling me that I don’t like him, you’re right I don’t. You’re telling me that I am judging him and maybe unfairly, why do you think I am doing that? This man SCREAMED at me in complete opposition of my success in taking a Civil Service Exam, by saying something very sarcastic and hurtful. He then went on to shoot my friend THE NASTIEST look resulting in her putting her head down and telling me that she might be going to Chicago in May, which will probably mean she is backing out of the plans WE HAD MADE previously to have our “girl bonding” plans in celebration of her birthday. In FACT, it was her vow and promise that we would have that “girl” time that made me agree to this horror show of an outing with her and her boyfriend.

 It’s her boyfriend yes it is. He may make her UNBELIEVABLY happy, yes in fact he might. And since it is NOT my relationship, I honestly don’t want any part of it, at all. What you fail to realize, is that I DID NOT PLAN THIS. When I called her to hang out for her birthday, she said that she couldn’t that week, because her boyfriend was going to be in town, and I happily agreed that it would be best if we had our own birthday celebration when her boyfriend was gone, about a week or two after. SHE CALLED ME, saying that her boyfriend would like all three of us to get together, and I MADE HER, now pay attention, I MADE HER PROMISE me, that I would only agree to this lunch IF she PROMISED that we would have our own get together, just us two, a few weeks from now.

 The fact of the matter is HER BOYFRIEND PUSHED HER for this get together on Sunday, I had ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of going at all, because why the HELL does he NEED to be there? He is not my damn friend, SHE IS. AND SHE HAS NO OTHER FRIENDS OTHER THAN ME, SHE ADMITS IT FULLY, so that’s what you fail to realize.

 Now, you are going to sit there and tell me that I need to “work on myself” because I am “judging him, maybe unfairly” even though he SHOWED himself to be absolutely HORRIBLE to me? Really? You are defending his behavior and treatment of me, is that what you are doing? That is very hurtful and downright condescending as hell, and I don’t appreciate it, truly.

 Now, before you go ahead on one of your “famous epilogue of a rant” in the comments section below – talking about how all the women in this site gang up together and do a whole lot of man-bashing, let me just stop you right there. I made this thread in the hope of help and support and I WILL NOT, I repeat I WILL NOT let you hijack YET ANOTHER THREAD, IN ADDITION TO THE MANY COUNTLESS THREADS, that you have hijacked in your “epic quest of self-proclaimed heroism in defense of all the men on this site that are treated unfairly.” Give me a break will you? I promise you, I will report any comment I find unhelpful or inappropriate to an moderator/administrator straight away, you got me? And before you go ahead in a petty and bitter attempt to “beat me to the punch” and report me first, go right ahead my friend. My track record on this site, of the SIX years I have been on here, the over 22,000 posts I have made, is ABSOLUTELY UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY FLAWLESS. I do NOTHING but support people here, and sometimes I go above and beyond what most people who do to help those in need. Your track record? You have a LONG history of fighting and arguing, being combative and disruptive, which honestly caused some people to request their thread to be closed. So go ahead, do what you must, the brilliant and amazing administrators here know what is what, they ARE paying attention I ASSURE you, so they will make the right discernment in this situation.

 I will leave it at that. Now say what you will.

 

 

 Jersey_T: sounds like he s an arrogant, self righteous ASSHOLE!!!!

 Articulately Sexual: I know it was REALLY bad man. Jesus Christ and they let this f*cking horrible person run around on DocJohn’s critically acclaimed “safe” place for people struggling for months???? WTF??? And finally, FINALLY, the REASON FOR MY VERY HARD DAY, ugh, I finally got to it, lol. Is THIS F*CKING SON OF BITCH, left me the most HORRIBLE, demeaning, humiliating, explosive response to that message I left for him that I just shared with you. When I tell you my heart was racing, and I was near tears, and the f*cked up horrific events of the past two days snuck up and haunt me, like literally I used WHATEVER strength I had in me, all I could muster, at 10am this morning, and picked apart his HORRIBLE response, defended myself, and EVERYONE on PSYCHCENTRAL in a monumental BRILLIANT piece of writing and strength. I was SO PROUD of what I wrote that I was going to print out a copy of that thread and bring it with me to my therapy session, (I have an AMAZING therapist that I have been seeing for 11 years twice a month). And when I tell you I was BAWLING YET AGAIN motherF*CK ME MAN, and my HEART WAS HURTING SO F*CKING BAD, that I poured my heart out to the owner DocJohn and another moderator friend of mine, In a desperate plea to PLEASE Help me I AM HURTING SO BAD AT THE HATE IN WHICH THIS PERSON HURT ME, with a link to the thread. I would send you a link of the thread now, but they closed it, JUST LIKE I WAS F*CKING TRYING TO AVOID, ugh, I can’t honey, I can’t. I WENT TO WAR yet again and all before NOON!! Ugh, I am literally about to fall over trust me.

 Jersey_T: Hey hang in there!!!!

 Jersey_T: just need to calm yourself

 Jersey_T: you re better than him

 Articulately Sexual: I know, I am REALLY trying Troy I am.

 Jersey_T: you ll always be

 Articulately Sexual: I know.

 Jersey_T: stay strong

 Jersey_T: wish I could give you a big hug!!!

 Articulately Sexual: I know!!! A lot of people that I talked to today too!!! Haha. Anyway, it was horrible you know? Such an embarrassment to PsychCentral that not one f*cking moderator has stopped this asshole for months. I mean DocJohn and everyone there’s purpose is of comfort and support, and as a VETERAN member I mean they couldn’t protect one of their most VALUABLE members? They left me raw and exposed and at the mercy of the likes of him? I mean How could they do that to me? Anyway, I haven’t gone BACK to PsychCentral all day today since all that happened And you know what? Unless DocJohn personally seeks me out, apologizing and begging my forgiveness, (I think he has my email and he knows my blog obviously) I am not f*cking going back there F*CK THAT. If nothing happens fine, but I plan on giving it AT LEAST a month before I even sign in on there. F*ck that. Ugh.

 Jersey_T: good. do shit on your terms!!!!

 Articulately Sexual: Exactly man, I am done. Seriously I am SO DONE with all of it. God. So you see now right? Can you imagine having three days like the three days I had? Can you imagine how I feel with my huge heart?

 Jersey_T: keep

 Jersey_T: your chin high

 Jersey_T: you re a boss

 Jersey_T: tough ass woman

 Jersey_T: keep it up

 Jersey_T: don t let these fucks win over you

 Jersey_T: stay strong

 Jersey_T: stay sweet

 Articulately Sexual: I know, I always do. I know! Imagine if I end up owning my own company one day! Wouid you come work for me? I mean I can pay you in some sexual favors, (lets not tell the wife OOPS!)

 Jersey_T: mmmmmmm

 Jersey_T: that would be nice!!!!

 Jersey_T: what type of favors??

 Articulately Sexual: Haha, you cheeky bastard! Anyway, I am holding YOU to your promise of supporting me and following my blog. I am going to say this now, I love you, I truly do. I know people feel funny about that word or whatever the fuck, but I don’t. I LOVE unconditionally you know? That’s my problem. That’s why some people HATE ME SO F*CKING MUCH THEY LITERALLY WANT TO RIP OUT MY F*CKING HEART. But its okay you know? I got this! I actually have an appointment to see my AMAZING psychiatrist tomorrow, you know the older Filopino Christian sweetheart that saved my life? Its God’s doing that I happen to have my appointment tomorrow to see him. Trust me, I am beyond the bullshit fucking athiests talk absolute f*cking garbage about God ugh. I SEEN AND LIVED enough to know better. Anyway, I actually added you to my Pal list now. So I will be in touch for sure. You can be EXTRA SWEET to me, if you take your phone, relax, and open up my blog and do some reading . Its some good shit!! Especially that “About Shatteredwishes:” section,. That will blow your f*cking mind! take good care of yourself and god bless you my friend, Be well.

 Jersey_T: You leaving?

 Articulately Sexual: Yes I am tired, gotta go to bed now. Did I not tell you about the days I have had? Haha. How do you expect me to stay awake? Haha.

 Jersey_T: Hahahaha

 Jersey_T: you re a sweet heart!!

 Jersey_T: great woman

 Articulately Sexual: SO are you!! Take care my friend be well!

So there you have it, in print and for the ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE. I am bitter a bit I am. I am a bit manic too I can tell you guys that. I mean like after me and Jersey T here finished our chat, I was pacing back and forth in my room like some kinda maniac, crying some more goddammit! And you know I had another one of those “visions” of mine, (that of course they ABSOLUTELY LABEL my crazy ass with diagnosis or whatever).

I had a vision that I sat down my mom and dad. I sat down and told them that DocJohn and some of the moderators all came together and decided to come pay me a visit here in New York. I told my parents that after ALL the suffering I have done, that DocJohn was going to save me. DocJohn was going to offer me a full-time job, with benefits that would be ABSOLUTELY 100% secure so I can not live in fear of EVER being without employment after I give up my disability. I told my parents that I was going to be DocJohn’s personal fighter, go-getter, advocate, and I will be the one that he is going to send to Washington, DC and stand up to every motherfucker in Congress and DEMAND that they give us more resources to help with Mental Health funding. You know what’s funny? The hospitalization I had in 2015, actually STARTED because of Trump. I am an AVID Trump supporter, go ahead say what you want, but like I was rooting for him, sensing his mind and what he was thinking and it was FEULING MY MANIA. In fact the WHOLE reason I ended up in the psych ward was BECAUSE I had called Trump Tower over and over again, like I don’t know about 1000 times, DEMANDING TO SPEAK to him. Of course the secretary thought I was completely NUTS, but I kept on. I was SO PUMPED that day too. I remember feeling Jesus was in my soul cheering me on, the Northern Wind of the Fall was speaking to me as I walked through Valley Stream State Park, telling me, talking to me like someone would talk to the trees. I remember calling some Customer Service people about some shit I was trying to buy, and fighting with them as usual and ending up having hours long conversations with them, because they were so enthralled with what I was saying. But the TRUMP stuff got REAL outta hand. Like since that secretary was so NASTY to me (I mean can you blame her, I am crazy as hell), and I said I would report her to the police.

And off I went. I parked my car in a parking lot on Dutch Broadway, and walked to the Nassau Police Department on that block. I told them I MUST TALK TO TRUMP its URGENT, and they calmed me down checked my blood pressure and my vitals were way outta wack, cause you know I was manic as hell. They asked me, would you try to kill this secretary? I said yes I would. And THAT is how I ended up in the Psych Ward at the end of 2015, December it was. I spent the WHOLE DAMN DECEMBER in that place. On CHRISTMAS!! And my best friend and soulmate, (I met him 8 years ago on EHarmony we had a brief relationship for three years, but remained friends after, but we are BEST friends now AND stronger than EVER!!), my best friend drove ALL THE WAY from Rye, NY, which is like a good hour or two from upstate, and spent the ENTIRE Christmas Day with me in the Psych Ward. I mean if that’s not love what is then? Anyway, that ENTIRE STAFF at Franklin Hospital BELIEVED me you know. ALL the crazy shit I was telling them, “I am the Universe, I can control the weather, I can FEEL THE EARTH pulsing through me” ALL of that, and you know, they didn’t even give me shit, they listened to me laughed with me, and honestly I became very close friends with the WHOLE staff there during that one month.

My vision is what I am going to tell my parents, that DocJohn is going to come to New York and meet me and we are all going to go back to Franklin Hospital, (its like literally up the road), make an appointment with Kate, (She is the social worker that was handling my case and was in close touch with my current therapist of 11 years at New Horizon Counseling Center in Valley Stream. EVERYTHING is really close together over here, so like I am thinking is this where God put me to be? I wonder you know? And is ALL the shit I was thinking about “Me being the Essence of the Universe” could all that have been real too?

Anyway, its 3:40am, this post is almost 9000 words, WOW what the hell man?  I guess this is my LONGEST post to date.

Was it WORTH the read guys? What do you think?

Or am I as they say, just crazy?

Checkmate, Universe. I think I won this game of Chess.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
This entry was posted in Bipolar, God, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Am Sharing With You My Story, That Will Rock The Very Foundation of What You Thought About Mental Illness and The Work Of God.

  1. Coyote from Orion says:

    Would make sense why such a secretive order with open power keeps us on a leash…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Absolutely my friend, absolutely. It really is an amazing thing! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • Coyote from Orion says:

        Sad reality is that it leaves us with a woundedness that only we can fathom yet the moderately intelligent will never believe us and can only pause to scoff or reinforce their inability to help.
        Funny how… unconnected and related we all seem to understand each other and be describing the same phenomenon.
        It’s like a really bland and simple X Files… without aliens.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think there is a way you can really characterize feelings and emotions. Calling them “crazy” would not be correct, because that implies you can control how you feel, and we both know that only behaviors are controlled, but feelings and emotions are not. Feelings and emotions just are what they are.

    I am amazed at your story and I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit. I am glad I consider you among my friends here on WordPress and I feel inspired by your vulnerability by posting all of this.

    Keep going down the path you are going, it seems to help you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are manic as fuck right now and I love you completely my dear xoxo

    Like

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