Tonight is very hard. I am staring at my Lithium, my Seroquel and my Klonopin and I feel like swallowing them all tonight. I was all ready to sleep after a shower at midnight, and then the tears just kept coming for James. This pain is SO BAD. I mean I feel my heart physically hurting in my chest as I bawl into my pillow so my parents don’t hear and get worried. I have no one to talk to. I can’t call Dave, he will be worried. I just called the hospital and sweet Beena talked to me a little while and told me to get some rest. She is so nice, at least she didn’t hang up and say she was allowed to talk to me.
I am not allowed to talk to James. Dr. Barris gave him strict instructions when I was there Friday. I tried really hard to keep hope alive, but my heart is so big it feels like it is going to bust any second.
I don’t want to live.
May God Kill Me Tonight.
Just take my life.
I just want to go to the kitchen and take a knife and slit my wrists.
But writing it all out is therapy.
I know I have to live.
I have to live for us.
I have to live for my family.
I have to live for my friends.
Why God have you forsaken me?
Am I that much of a sinner?
What could I have done to you for you to turn your back on me so?
In Shallah I will find peace.
Grandma take me to heaven with you, I want to leave this Earth behind.
Dizzy now as my meds are kicking in.
Rest now Lynn.
Wake up tomorrow to fight another battle.
Hold your hand on your heart and think of those who love you.
If you can’t take care of yourself, no one else will.
I am fighting every urge in my body to not get in my car and head to the bar.
That road leads to nowhere.
My road leads nowhere.
Am I at the end of my journey when I am so close.
I am falling, and all I want to do is fall in his arms.
If you are reading, say a prayer for me.
I must make it past this.
So much sorrow and anguish.
But like Scarlett O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day.”