I have been suffering with Bipolar Disorder for a long time and a lot of it wasn’t by choice. What has your experience been? For me, I was just handed pills to fix my depression and after that my life was completely destroyed. I really don’t want to be on any drugs – my heart, body and soul are screaming at me every day. I have no energy, I sleep too late, and I am such a broken version of the amazing woman I used to be.
A lot of people don’t understand depression – they think you are “just lazy” and just need to “snap out of it.” But there are words that go through your head when you are depressed – like right now for me a little voice keeps saying, “go take all your pills and swallow them, just go to sleep then you won’t be a burden to anyone ever again.”
My best friend’s Dad just passed away last week, and you would think that would stop the suicidal thoughts because I have been given a gift that is life and I should make the most out of it.
It hasn’t stopped the thoughts.
I still cry almost every day after the horrible ordeal I went through in a Psych Ward this year. I was a soldier in there – fighting them when they threw me in isolation for just waiting at the door for my parents at Visiting Time – I took all the drugs they gave me and bawled Tears of Hell and Mercy to sleep at night for months. I never recovered from that, and when I told them that the pills they were giving me were way too strong because I slept all day and night, they didn’t care at all as long as I wasn’t troublesome or making a scene anymore.
I am a broken woman. I can’t get myself out of bed at a decent hour. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I signed up for all these classes, lessons and projects but my heart just isn’t in them. I think the thing psychiatrists don’t realize is you can’t just drug and drug someone – that person is a human with real thoughts and feelings and all the over-drugging will just damage them – like they damaged me. I understand that I was manic, well overly manic, but does that buy me 8 different pills at ridiculous milligrams for the rest of my life? Do I have to stay a lump of dead flesh with no feelings or hope for the rest of my life too?
If that’s the case just kill me now and be done with it.
I am so unbelievably depressed and I just can’t get out of it. These pills are forced on me and I have absolutely no hope.
I want to die so badly, so so badly but death won’t come.