Does the title seem harsh? It’s funny, but with as much kindness and love that exists in my heart, I never thought I would be able to think such a thing, but there is a reason for it. I was hospitalized for most of 2018 due to my Bipolar Disorder. I experienced horrors and trauma in there that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and now, finally, I understand how much of a changed woman I am.
It was innocent enough. I am not supposed to drink because of my meds, but I have been cheating here and there. My sister and her boyfriend know my parents worry about it, so yeah, they covered for me. My sister’s boyfriend isn’t innocent either – after almost a month in the hospital undergoing lung and heart surgery, he shouldn’t be smoking. I shouldn’t be drinking, he shouldn’t be smoking. We are both in the wrong, and on Christmas I slipped up and let his secret out to my parents. And boy, am I paying for it.
My sister’s boyfriend is combative, you know, that macho bullshit. When they are out and about, he gets into it with people around him, and honestly one day my sister is going to get hurt by someone he pisses off. No matter where you are or what is going on, you never know what someone is carrying or capable of – starting fights in bars or concerts can easily get you killed. You are not a pussy if you walk away, you’re not a pussy if you let some asshole get away with something, you are not a pussy if you are a better man and decide to honor your woman and your safety.
When I would hear about these “stories” about all these altercations, I honestly felt scared for my little sister. When my sister’s boyfriend was smoking on Christmas Eve and I could hear the heavy cough, (fresh from the lung cancer scare), I got really worried, so I let the secret slip. As insignificant as my mistake is, I knew in my heart that he would hold it against me. And he did.
So, here I am, the night before my sister’s birthday with a text saying that she is cancelling her birthday plans with me and that I am not allowed over her house unless my parents are there for fear of my drinking. The old me would have probably apologized 1000 times, tried to make it up to her and make plans for another time. However, the traumatized me thinks it’s incredibly fucked up that she took the asshole’s side over me and is now permanently cut off from her big sister.
I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t be fake around people. When my sister gets married, I don’t want that awkwardness. I honestly don’t want anyone in my life who is going to hurt me anymore, even if it is my own little sister. I love her so, so much, I changed her diapers growing up, I did everything I ever could for her but I can’t be someone I am not.
During the six months I was hospitalized and traumatized, I realized that I am incapable of forgiveness. That’s a really hard concept for me to accept, but I really feel that now. God and Jesus both say you must forgive, but I will be the only Holy Crusader who can’t do that. I have so much love in my heart, I am incredibly sensitive and kind, but I cannot let people hurt me anymore, even if its close family.
Now I know why families are torn apart.
Now I know why there are feuds, (no I am not going to feud with my little sister, it’s just an example).
It is a real eye-opening experience for me.
I am not the woman I was and I completely changed forever.
Goodbye little sister, I will love you always.