In the world of online dating and sex, how many of you have had secret sexual encounters behind a screen? You know, like secret sexts and secret pic and cam sessions online? I ask this because, even though I have a man in my life I love more than anything,  the “sexual” part of our relationship isn’t there. It’s almost like what happens after 30 years of marriage.

I know to most people, sex is an important part of any relationship. For me and my partner, it isn’t. I have always been a sexual person, so the kind of “secret sex” sessions I had online filled the void that I didn’t have in my relationship. It is cheating, and NOW I am finally starting to realize HOW it’s cheating.

I know from reading many blogs and articles, “secret sex online” isn’t really cheating to most people. First of all, no liquids are being exchanged, and for the most part your face is covered and you are completely anonymous behind a screen, (shame on you idiots for showing your face in a nude pic, come on!) And for years, I have been justifying all this secret sex as just a part of my masturbation routine, (a level up from plain porn).

Tonight, I had my eyes fully open to what is cheating and what is not. Being a very spiritual person, part of the best “secret sex online” was Spiritual Sex. What is that? Well, there are certain extra sensory perceptions going on when you are having fun online. If you are not exchanging nudes or camming, a lot of the fun is in the “vision” of the person you are playing with in your mind. You are going off of just words and sext, and the imagery your brain fills in for you can make your body tingle in a way that can be more satisfying than actual sex, (I am talking about the kind of sexting done right obviously, not “bae show ur tits”)  And over time, I have used Spiritual Sex in many ways. I remember camming with one of my friends over in Scotland, and we would just have the cam at our eyes while playing, and let me tell you – if you think locking eyes with someone during regular sex is hot, locking eyes with someone on cam while playing is even hotter. You can literally FEEL their passion through the cam and it can last hours. Obviously, what I am trying to convey is, you can actual put your body in such a heightened awareness with someone who is just as equally aware as you spiritually – ie. erections caused by universal awareness through peace and love rather than erections caused by tits.

Anyway, I haven’t had any sort of Spiritual Sex since I came out of the hospital, (mostly because the rape and trauma in there stunted all the sexuality I had left). But tonight, I had a rare opportunity to revisit my life in Spiritual Sex. I met a guy tonight in an adult chat room and I was very excited to meet a such a spiritual person with strong sexual impulses. We started talking about spirituality when he told me he was having an erection and that he would like to relay those feelings over to me. I laid back and thought about it, and as my heightened senses could feel the excitement of what was happening, (for the first time in so long), the thought of my partner entered my brain. This, for me, was the first time I had EVER felt guilty of engaging in “secret sex online” and moreso the Spiritual Sex. As we continued to chat, the feelings bubbled more in my stomach that this is NOT RIGHT. I ended the chat by just closing the chat window and ghosting him, (another horrible reality of “secret sex online”)

What’s the moral of the story? That I truly LOVE my partner. I don’t care if we don’t have sex, or if we never have sex, I am not going to be able to have anymore “secret sex online,” EVER. He means the world to me, and even though I still have to masturbate to some really stupid porn to get my “release,” that’s just what I am going to have to do. The days of Spiritual Sex and “secret sex online,” is long over.

Please share any comments you have, and if you have “secret sex online.”

Stay Tuned.