So who else feels small compared to the Universe? I think I have always known how big the known Universe was but I didn’t know how God fit into that. In an age where everyone seems “agnostic” or “atheist,” saying you believe in God somehow gets you ostracized. I am not sure where it happened, or how it happened, it just IS now.
I have always believed in God, but as a Muslim born woman, let’s face it – I was basically told to just bow and worship and cover my face while doing it. Soooooo not me. I was just born rebellious and even though I respected my family’s Muslim beliefs, I was in NO WAY getting on that bandwagon.
So, like most people searching for answers these days, I considered myself “spiritual.” The only downside about that is you kinda get grouped into a category of “peace-loving Hare Krishnas having wild sex while burning bras.” Okay, maybe not that far, but you get the idea. I wanted to consider myself as a spiritual person who believed in God and Jesus Christ. But Not Christian and Not Mormon either.
So where in the heck does that leave me?
In the middle of nowhere, that’s where.
You’re probably wondering why “Monsters” is in the title at this point. Well, in my search for God, (without teaming up with any church), I ran into some demons along the way. This demon I live with is called “bipolar” and boy is she a bitch. I experienced things along this mental illness road that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
So how does being bipolar affect the way I think about God??
Well I hear Him now, and probably more than I have ever heard Him.
I wrote a post a while back asking the question, “Why does a priest get praised for saying he feels the spirit of Jesus and the bipolar person who feels the same thing get locked up in a psych ward?” Okay, maybe it’s not that black and white, but in some form, that is what happens and been done for thousands of years to the mentally ill. In fact, people used to get burned and experimented on to the extreme back then too.
Whoa, that just got dark didn’t it???
Sorry about that!
Anyway, between God and the Monsters of bipolar, I find myself still in limbo. Now I hear the voice of the Lord clear, and at times the voice of Jesus too – but do I dare tell my doctor?? Hell no.
I just wish we can get to a point where people’s connection with God can be accepted if they have a mental illness. I know beliefs are accepted, but I know from first hand experience that the overwhelming power and energy that comes from my connection with God is something I will never discuss with my doctor for fear of being thrown back in a psych ward. It happened to me on Easter 2018, and I will be damned if I let it happen again.
But I feel Him.
And I KNOW He’s there.