Deja Vu, and It’s Not Good

goddess crying

It was Fall 2002 when my boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to go on a “date” and I shouldn’t come over that night. You’re probably thinking, “WTF??” right? Well, when you have no self-esteem and you don’t feel good enough for anybody, you usually let people treat you like dirt. I remember that night like it was just yesterday, especially how much I had cried and what I put myself through for a piece of shit like him.

Fast forward 17 years and I still feel like that stupid 22-year-old who let that guy walk all over her. I love the person in my life now more than anything, and when he told me that his female friend was going to be spending the next three days in his apartment, I fell to pieces and I am now reliving that nightmare from 2002. Sure it’s different because my current guy isn’t anything like that douchebag from 2002, but the mental anguish I am going through is still the same – especially since I begged my guy to see him this weekend and he kept telling me no – now he has his friend coming over for the weekend and there’s no problem?? I am big enough to put that aside though, in fact I am big enough to put this whole situation to rest.

But why the heck is it bothering me so much and why am I crying buckets and buckets of tears? Is it just simple jealousy? That can’t be it. Me and my guy have been through so much and he has done more than his share to be there for me, so what is it??

Only one word comes to mind: Guilt.

When I met James last year, I know my guy hurt inside. I pretended he was an afterthought and focused in on this new beau of mine. Who could blame me? Me and my guy are just friends on the surface anyway and we don’t have sex, in fact some would argue we don’t even have a relationship. But does that stop me from loving him 1000%?? No way. So why is it that I am crying so much and feeling so much pain?

Because it doesn’t take much to offer to pay for a hotel room for your friend if you know its going to kill the person you love on the inside.

I am dying. I feel the pain in my chest and the tears don’t stop coming. I know I am guilty and that God is punishing me, but did I really do anything wrong? I was just trying to move on and be happy. My guy did break up with me in 2013 – so what happened? Is it because we both couldn’t find anyone else that we just stood together all these years? Was there nothing more??

I think now we are both going to find out the answer to that because in my heart and in my soul I can honestly say I hate him. I don’t know where its coming from or why it’s there but I really hate him right now and I don’t want to talk to him. My heart is burning, why did he make such a big deal about me coming over this weekend, why didn’t he want to see me? Why is it okay for HER to come over? Does he even care about me?

I know I am going to read this post in a couple of days and chastise myself because I know after all we have been through, this is nothing.

But ultimately, it’s not nothing because I am going to spend the next three days crying my eyes out and wishing I was dead.

Stay tuned.

About shatteredwishes

I am in my late-thirties just trying to figure out life in a big city. "When in life you are handed lemons, make a vodka martini." "When I am happy I enjoy the music, but when I am sad I understand the lyrics."
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1 Response to Deja Vu, and It’s Not Good

  1. kkatch22 says:

    But why would someone you are with NOT want you to come over on the weekend??? I mean, if he said “I’m having my house fumigated for bed bugs” sure…don’t go. But for what reason could you not see him? Has this happened before? When you have doubts about someone….trust your gut, it’s usually right.

    Liked by 1 person

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