I have thoughts of the guy in my life, warm thoughts, and feelings of love. But I can’t ignore the lack of intimacy and what I give up each day to be with him. I am at a crossroads in my life – mainly where I am finding myself struggling while I search for employment to help me catapult my writing career. I am starting at the bottom, leaving myself vulnerable and open to failure.
Then “He” came along, the “Older Man” who stopped me in my tracks. When I first laid eyes on him I didn’t know what to do – I mean how could a man like this even look at me? But he did, for weeks, months – always showing up so he could bump into me. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. This man, this “Older Man,” has been with his share of women, some of whom were Playboy models, and other than my own insecurities, what exactly is stopping me? Tonight, the “Older Man” called me and just came right out and said it, “Do you want to be a kept woman? You don’t have to work, I will take care of that, all you have to do is do what you love, spend your time at the gym being healthy, and go on adventures with me.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?? Jesus Christ, I found myself bawling at the foot of my bed tonight.
I threw my guy away before. I have thrown him away many times over the past nine years. Most recently, it was for a guy named James who is probably drunk in a ditch somewhere with the $100 gift card I gave him. I gave so much to James and he threw me away like garbage, which goes to show you my taste in men. But this guy, this “Older Man” has been pursuing me for a long time, and he looks incredible for his age. I stop and question myself every time I am with him, and pinch myself to make sure it’s real. All he wants from me to be this “kept woman” is to make him happy and be there for him. It wouldn’t be a hooker-type situation because we both know each other too well for it to ever be like that.
But my heart-strings, my heart in general, I am just bursting on the inside. I hung up on the “Older Man” for the first time tonight, and as my phone rings and rings, the tears pour down my cheeks. I NEED my guy. I NEED the man who stood by me through all the madness that has happened over the years. I opened up my pictures and saw his face with mine smiling, and I was beside myself with pouring tears.
Yes, I could have life handed to me now on a platter if I wanted it. Yes, I may never get an opportunity like this again – but I MUST pass on it. God is telling me to, screaming at me to let this “Older Man” go. I have to. Sure, I may have to scrimp, struggle, save and be poor for the next few years, but I will have peace of mind because my guy will be my side. I love him. God I love him so much. I have to, just HAVE to let this “Older Man” and this opportunity go.
This is the way it was meant to be.